When Nightmares Latch On...And Won't Let Go

8/15/2013

It happened Sunday night into Monday morning. Since then, I have been struggling to describe how terrifying these last nightmares were. I am not going to rehash the details again - the nightmare was about the friendly fire incident. Combine that incident with nightmare groundhog day and you get the picture. I experienced that recollection over and over and over...

The truly terrifying part: I knew I was dreaming. After the first 'playthrough', I tried to wake myself up, but I couldn't. After a few more replays, I started to get scared. Why couldn't I wake up? I thought maybe I had to do something, change something. But I couldn't, I was only along for the ride. All I could do was spectate.

Again.

And Again.

Screams and death moans.

The smell and taste of blood in the air.

Again.

And Again.

I got to feel everything - especially the helplessness. On top of that I experienced the helplessness of not being able to wake up, even though I was lucid. It was like being trapped inside myself with no way out.

Again.

And Again.

I started to scream in my head, screaming to be let out. I started to feel like I was losing myself.

Again.

And Again............................................................................................................................................

The alarm jolted me awake. Terrified and disoriented, it took me a second to come back to the present. I was exhausted. All of my muscles ached like I had been clenching all of them. My heart was beating so hard it actually hurt.

And then came the relief. It was over. I didn't have to experience that scene again. I was back in control. I was still pretty messed up, though. I was only able to make it through half of my shift on Monday before my need to be alone and process what had just happened overwhelmed me and forced me to go home. I am still processing it. I don't think I have ever been so terrified in my whole life.

What the hell was the meaning of that nightmare? Was there a message in it? I don't know and I have a feeling I won't know for a long time. All I know is that somehow, my perspective on work and life has changed. The differences are subtle. Maybe one day I will figure out why.

K. Dault link

8/16/2013 04:14:12 am

Max, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Wish I could do something to make it better.

Perhaps sharing the incident with us, and reading our comments, somehow triggered the nightmare. You said it was a major "anniversary" of the event, so perhaps that lodged in your subconscious. I've discovered things I note in passing during the day, something just outside the usual, can creep into my dreams at night. How much that "casual notice" effected shapes how big a role it plays in a dream. It's like a problem solving device, minus the distractions of the day. If it reoccurs in a negative way, I can, for lack of a better term, distract myself by mentally noting before I go to sleep that dreams can't hurt you...that I can just wake up. That works for me.

Some people believe you can change the outcome of a nightmare by thinking through another scenario before sleep. I know that probably won't work in this case because it's based on a memory. But could you somehow "convince" your subconscious that once you reach a certain point in the nightmare, you should wake up?

Just trying to be helpful. I truly hope you find your answer.

Max Harris link

8/18/2013 02:25:36 am

I honestly don't know whether sharing what happened triggered this even or not, but I am inclined to think that there is more to it than that. I could see my dream as being a problem solving device. Maybe a spiritual one. Guess time will tell. Thanks for your perspective. It means a lot!

Amber

8/16/2013 08:24:16 am

I agree with Dault. To add a bit, I've seen theories that sleeping is largely your brain's way of processing the day's events, so taking some time before bed to totally unwind and de-stress might help (ie try to avoid going to bed while your mind is running a mile a minute and all that jazz). Also, while I know some people engage lucid dreaming on purpose, I'm not sure if anyone has techniques for preventing it... I'll snoop around. How has your sleep schedule been otherwise? When I throw sleep out the window I feel significantly more emotional.

As for there being a meaning, do you personally feel there is one? If you do, I think it's definitely worth investigating, or at least keeping in mind! One of the hard things about life though, is that you can never just have all the answers you want when you want them. :P I think big things like this take time to work through, and not knowing right away isn't a bad thing. Try not to get impatient or overthink it, just take everything one step and one day at a time, and you will get there.

8/18/2013 02:29:24 am

Amber,
I do believe that there is some hidden (or at least unclear) meaning to my dream. The hard part is being patient, as you say.

As for fully unwinding before I go to sleep - I don't know, after everything I have been through, whether I will ever be able to get my brain to stop going a thousand miles a minute. My ability to fall asleep is more directly correlated with how well I can ignore it or how physically exhausted I am. I have tried medication, but it is too disruptive.

Natalie link

8/17/2013 02:15:07 am

Max, it sounds so frightening, especially not being able to wake out of it. I'm so sorry that you had to relive such horror again and again in that dream. I'm a light sleeper and rarely remember my dreams. And I'm sure that my dreams don't have any meaning -- just my brain going insane for a few minutes at night.

Maybe taking a nice herbal before you hit the pillow would help. I've got a new product from Nature Made that has L-theanine and melatonin -- it calms my mind and helps me rest better.

I wish you better nights and happier dreams...

8/18/2013 03:53:35 am

Natalie,
Thanks for the suggestion on the sleep-aid. I will take a look into it as soon as possible. Thanks!

8/21/2013 10:13:53 am

Just putting my head in the door to check and see how you're doing. Hope your sleep has become more peaceful.

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