I woke up this morning and realized that I woke up happy. It felt empty. Like a consolation prize. I don't know if I can adequately describe the feeling. I really am happy today. Truly happy. It just feels hollow, like the happiness is a veneer, a facade. Is it? I don't think so. I feel like just being happy isn't enough. I'm not satisfied with just happy. I need my life to have meaning and purpose. While I have found meaning and purpose blogging and administering to my website, I didn't realize how much I missed doing 'good works'.
I am going to do a lot of thinking on this. I had thought, before the PTSD, that I was going to lead a life of service to my country. I need to find a way to incorporate serving others back into my life. When I am living a life of service to others, I feel more than just happy, I feel...full. I desperately need to feel that way again. It's different that the amazing feelings I get when I look at my daughter. I think part of why I feel this way is I want to be my daughter's hero, for a reason other than I'm her daddy.
I think I am going to explore this. Maybe there is more that I can do around the community. Maybe there is a need that isn't being met that I can fill. I don't know. I need to talk to my wife about this and see what she thinks.
I wish everyone a Happy Easter. I hope everyone enjoys time with family. I know I will.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.