This past week has been a whirlwind as I worked to get everything ready for the fundraising campaign to go live. It has been an amazing experience and I have found myself looking at the world from a different perspective. I never realized how fulfilled I would feel as I pushed the envelope to advocate for veterans. I have felt energized and happy, better able to attend to my family, better able to attend to my own needs. I have felt so good this past week that I started to think something must be wrong. Being this happy was alien to me.
And then it hit me. And it hit me HARD. When I was telling my parents about my venture, they were 100% supportive but my mother asked me a very pointed question: "Max, you are overweight. If you are going to be the public face of this organization, you need to look the part." Something so simple. She thought I was going to get upset or feel hurt by her comments.
Nope. Not at all. As a matter of fact, she really made me think. If I am going to fight the stereotype and stigma associated with PTSD, I can't look like a 'sorry-ass dough-boy'. When I sat down and thought about it, I made another realization and it wasn't one I liked. I still hated the guy in the mirror. Despite all of the good I wanted to do, I was still striving to live vicariously through the successes of others.
For the first time, that realization didn't paralyze me. It didn't make me feel less than. It made me disgusted with myself - determined to DO something about it. It was time to Walk the Walk. I have been talking the talk for two years, shying away from holding myself accountable for my inability to take care of myself. I found it was easy to ignore my own deficiencies if I helped other veterans and their loved ones learn to live with PTSD. I can't delude myself anymore. If I am going to be taken seriously, I need to take care of myself and not look like a sloppy 'mess'.
So here's the skinny (pardon the term): I weigh 278.1 pounds. My 'fighting weight' in the army was 234. Today I started living by example. While I have done much to learn to cope with my PTSD, I wasn't able to overcome the feelings of inadequacy to take better care of myself. So no big promises. No grandiose plans. I am going to get in the best shape of my life and I'm going to show you all what grit and determination can do for a veteran with PTSD. Here's how I look now:
Yeah. Doesn't exactly scream "Support My Cause!"
This is the only promise I will make: I will do everything I can to look the part and earn the self-respect I so dearly desire. I WILL WALK THE WALK>>>No update pictures, no stories, no excuses. Just action. I will show you all what I am capable of and take a picture again on April 10th (A few days before the end of my fundraising campaign). All I ask is that you ask yourself. Do I just 'like' comments and say I support a cause or am I willing to walk the walk? Are you willing to spread the word? Are you willing to speak out against the stigmatization our combat veterans with PTSD face? Do you have the ability to donate to worthy causes but don't? What will you do to walk with me?
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.