So, yeah. This past week really sucked. After the anniversary, I disappeared inside myself. I knew it was happening and felt powerless to stop it. But I am back and I return bearing a warning. Adults can handle emotional withdrawal - children can't. They think they did something wrong. Something so horrible that you are ignoring them. It is an easy road from guilt to hatred and resentment for a parent who is never accessible to you. Your child is informed on what it means to be a good husband and father by your actions. A male child will have that example. A female child will have that expectation.
As much as I am aware of this, I still fall victim to emotional withdrawal. I hate myself every day for it. That, of course, just makes it harder to get over and prolongs the agony. I see the confusion in my daughter's face and I see her withdrawing from me more and more...exactly what I worked so hard to overcome before. This has to stop. I am going to address this issue in CPT this Wednesday. Maybe the doc and the others in group will have some advice, for I am at a loss.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.