Wee little problem: The more active I became, the more my anger flared back to life.
Needless to say, this worries me greatly. I didn't read about that in the small print when I signed on to get myself back into shape and improve my overall health. It just doesn't make any sense. The harder I worked out, the stronger the anger became. I am wondering if that was one of the underlying reasons I was putting off getting back into shape. It really makes me curious if I knew, on some level, that the exercise and weight training was going to bring back certain things that I wanted to leave behind.
I guess it's time to work through it. I am going to the gym a little later today and I am going to push myself to physical exhaustion to see if I can find an end to the anger or if it just makes me tired. I am hoping that I finally feel like I can safely let the anger out now that I have a constructive outlet. The problem becomes containing the anger when I am not at the gym. I have to be able to maintain my stability at work and at home or this is not going to work. It's not going to be an easy balance to find, but they offer Tai Chi at the gym as well and I am hoping that I can use the forms and breathing to channel my energies more effectively and coherently, rather than wanting to lash out at whatever's closest.
Some of my downtime this past week, I have been reading the book I was asked to review and I found myself unable to really devote my attention to it. My mind kept on wandering back to all of the things that were making my anger flare up and what I could do to contain it:
- My Psoriasis: I can honestly say it's never been this bad. Ever. It's all over my head and face and flakes up throughout the course of an average day. Some of the time my skin is so red it almost looks like port-wine stains. The patches on my elbows and knees are growing and I have new random patches showing up everywhere. It should have been my first indication that there was something wrong festering deep inside. The only time my psoriasis flares up is when I am physically ill or deeply emotionally troubled about something. It's been getting worse and worse for about six months now. The problem is, I have no idea what the underlying cause is and that has been keeping me up nights recently. Aside from the obvious physical issues, people also assume that I have poor hygiene because I have dry flaky, patchy skin. It makes me incredibly self-conscious. I have resolved to make an appointment as soon as possible with my dermatologist at the VA. The topical creams are not working. There has to be another option. It makes me wonder if the stress I had been under over the holidays followed by the passing of my doc started me down this road to anger. Then to top it all off, my body rebels. I feel like I am wearing my soul on the outside for everyone to see. It makes me feel very vulnerable, like my soul was laid bare against my will.
- Feeling Unchallenged/Underappreciated at Work: While I know it was my choice to step down from the Team Leader position at work, I feel like I am squandering my skills and talents. I know it's good work and great benefits, but I am qualified to be and do more than I am, more than I was. My problem has always been that I don't play office politics. I didn't when I was in the military and I don't in the civilian world. I know for a FACT that it pisses me the hell off that the ass-kissers and the fuck-up-move-ups always seem to get ahead in our culture. I was raised to believe in meritocracy, for all the good it's done me. Excelling in the classroom has given the title of 'overqualified'. What a joke. Why don't people say what they mean? They should say, "I'd hire/promote you but I am threatened by your competence". I might as well put on my Curriculum Vitae that I have a BS in Underwater Basket Weaving for all the benefit I have gotten from my college degree. Huh. Didn't realize that was bothering me so much. That's, at least, part of the root cause.
- Frustrated by My Inability to Raise Funds to Start My Non-Profit: This one isn't anger, per se. It's frustration that I can't seem to convey my message clearly or passionately enough to get all of the financial support I need to make my non-profit a reality. Granted I still have eight days left to raise $2200, but it's hard to feel optimistic about raising it in that short of a time. So that begs the question...what the hell do I do? Is this anger at myself? Is it my passion turning inward and festering? I need to figure this out. More importantly, I need to find the saving grace I need to meet my fundraising goals. I need this more than anything to feel like my professional life is worth a damn. So yeah, I think there's a wee bit of anger festering there too.
It seems like I have more to work on than I thought. It feels a little overwhelming, honestly. So...
I'm starting with the gym and making sure I get the constructive outlet for my anger worked into my daily routine. I don't see much of any other options right now. So, off to the gym I go. Maybe I'll find some more answers in the peaceful emptiness of cardio.