I was putting Caley in her swing this morning when I took my hands off her to get the clasps that were stuck behind her on the seat. She decided to go rigid as a board, causing her to slide forward and tilt the swing back --she face planted right into the hardwood floor. I quickly scooped her up but was extremely traumatized by this. I felt like the worst father in the world and went into full episodal mode - flat affect and everything. I was a complete mess and was concerned that I was going to have to call out of work. Then, Dani needed help changing a diaper and I had to hold Caley (which I was afraid to do) after Dani had changed the diaper. Caley looked up at me with really wide and serious eyes, cooed softly and then tucked her head under my chin and hugged me in that special way that only babies can do. It was like she was saying, "Daddy, I know it was an accident. I still love you. Please hold me and reassure me that everything is OK". My heart melted and my episode crumbled around me. The guilt I felt washed away. She showed me how a hug can heal more than words could ever hope to.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.