TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT
I have to work tomorrow. Tomorrow, of all days, is the last day I want to be around anyone. It's the 'anniversary' of the incident that changed everything for me. I don't normally write about the actual event that was a major contributing factor to my PTSD, but this anniversary is different. It still feels like yesterday, but tomorrow makes ten years to the day that 1LT Leif Nott died in a friendly fire incident in Balad Ruz, Iraq. I still struggle with what happened every day. I remember the sounds, the smells, the feel, everything. This is the first time that I have mentioned the incident specifically. I don't know why I feel compelled to share it now. I just couldn't let another year go by without honoring those that were injured and those that died that day. I can't bring myself to recount all that happened, but you can read about that night and the cover up HERE. I tried to 'suck it up' but I landed myself in the Combat Stress Control Clinic at Balad Air Field a week later. Everyone back at the unit I had been attached to was acting like nothing had happened. I felt compelled to make sure the truth was known - so I contact JAG and CID and reported the friendly fire incident and violations of the rules of engagement. I also reported my suspicion of attempts to sweep the whole thing under the rug. A week later, I was released back to duty by the clinic. My reporting the incident should have remained confidential. Somehow, it made its way back to the commanding officer of the unit I was supporting and I instantly became persona non grata. Things went downhill fast from there. I was denied R&R and mid-tour leave because I was a 'mission critical asset' - yet the rest of my team and all of the other attached special operations teams we worked with got to rotate home for two weeks. I isolated and shunned by all but my colleagues. The sectarian violence ratcheted up soon after and the trauma continued to build. Six months later, I found myself being sent home, a danger to myself and others. The greatest travesty: The unsung heroes that never received the recognition they deserved for jumping into action. When it became clear that we had shot up our own, the direct support Psy-Ops team, two young medics and myself ran out to conduct triage. It became evident that we needed another vehicle so I ran back to the TOC and ordered some privates to clear out the Psy-ops turtleback so that we could use it as an ambulance. The next few minutes were a blur. I remember SGT Anderson being carried into the medic bay. Same with SPC Devers. I remember returning to the scene to continue to help and things become disturbingly clear in my mind. I remember the old man, blood and bone chips flowing away from the mangled mess of his leg to pool in the dust on the side of the road. Somehow we managed to stabilize him. When the medevac birds arrived I positioned myself to lift the old man's upper half into the stretcher and discovered that he had a gaping wound on his back. I had put my arm, almost up to the elbow into his chest cavity. I cannot adequately describe the sensation of feeling someone's heart beating from inside their body. Those sensations and smells will stay with me until the day I die. To this day, I still don't know if those two young medics or the Psy-Ops team were ever recognized for their actions. I know, like me, they ran out there in untied boots, brown t-shirts, no protective gear, and M-16's on their backs. We didn't think, we reacted. And it is with the utmost humility that I need to express my admiration for their actions that day. I just wish, on tomorrow of all days, that I could remember the medics' names, Or the Psy-Ops teams' names. Maybe this blog will reach them somehow. Most importantly, I need to express my most sincere condolences to the family of 1LT Leif Nott. Until this year, I couldn't muster up the courage to even do that. The memories were too much to handle. Honestly, they still are, but it's been ten years. I couldn't be silent, reticent anymore. Requiescat in pace, Lief. It is in honor of your service and sacrifice that I have finally mustered up the courage to share this. May you and your family find the comfort and peace you deserve.
Wow. Nothing I can say will take away the pain. But I am PROUD of you. For telling the truth. For caring about the safety of someone else and not your own. For doing the right thing, instead of the easy thing. I hope those names which escape you now will find you somehow through your blog. 8/2/2013 02:26:36 pm
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to know that you feel this way. Sometimes you question your decision to do the right thing when it has caused you so much pain. Tears roll as I write this, Max. With the greatest respect and gratitude, I admire that you've written about this experience. Your courage then and now is so great. I understand a little better now why you do what you do and why you write what you write and why you stand up so passionately for our veteran heroes. With your permission, I'd like to share this post with my own readers. In honor of 1st Lt. Leif Nott... 8/2/2013 02:29:17 pm
Natalie,
Anji W.
8/10/2013 01:54:29 pm
Thank you for sharing this painful and traumatic experience. Those of us who have never served and have not been to war do not necessarily understand the reality of what Soldiers see and experience. Hearing first hand accounts helps the general civilian better understand the realities of combat and not just what the media allows us to see. 8/11/2013 03:25:22 pm
Anji,
Jodi
9/2/2013 12:21:58 pm
You are one of the heros I pray. I have had a love one with PTSD and a smaller scale I personally have experienced it. Its haunting and I'm told to get over it but it wount stop replaying.I feel for u and pray. If u want to chat I'm here. Maybe you can help me.
Anna Maria
5/21/2015 12:42:16 am
Thank you for writing this. I knew Leif when he was a young boy who used to play with my children. I choose to remember him as a little boy beause it brings me peace ad acceptance of his death. Thank for what you did that night for having the courage to help. I am so sorry you were treated so bad. I wish you peace and strength to deal with the pain. I am currently a trauma therapist at the local behavioral health center and have the privilege of working with veterans with PTSD. May I please share your story with them? 5/21/2015 08:33:32 am
Anna Maria, Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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