Taking Stock After a Long Holiday Season

1/8/2013

As always, the post-holiday funk lasted longer than I expected it to. I have been trying for over a week to write something meaningful for my blog, but have been dissatisfied with what I had written and deleted a total of seven drafts before finally figuring out what was bothering me so much.

I was depressed, severely. I had no idea why and it was frustrating as all hell to find a way to articulate why being depressed made me feel annoyed and angry with myself. After all, the rest of the holiday season went pretty smoothly. I didn't have any major issues with my PTSD. I didn't have any anger issues with family. I really enjoyed my time that I did get to spend with family, despite my standing desire to avoid large family gatherings out of fear of my PTSD getting the better of me in those situations. I refused to let my fear of the PTSD keep me from enjoying the company of family I don't get to see very often.

So, imagine my surprise when I woke up on January Second, depressed as all hell and fighting the urge to hide in a deep, dark hole for the better part of the month. Why the hell am I still depressed? It doesn't make any sense. Why would I be depressed when everything went so well?

It took me until tonight to finally put two and two together. It was the release of pent up stress from working in a store that experiences extremely high customer traffic. Having to contend with large crowds, disgruntled and stressed co-workers, demanding customers, and substantially less sleep ratcheted up my stress level substantially. It was the release of this pent up stress that triggered the depression.

So now, I have to claw my way back out of this funk so that I can focus on all of the things that matter to me most: Family and Family. I am thinking that the break from blogging, while necessary, deprived me of an essential release valve for my stress.

I have my first individual and group therapy sessions of the year tomorrow and I am really looking forward to getting back into that groove as well. Maybe other reasons will present themselves during therapy. I am certainly hoping that I can make a breakthrough tomorrow. This depression is sucking the motivation out of me faster than I can recharge my batteries.

Am I the only one experiencing this? I doubt it. It would be very helpful to hear from you all on this matter.

Gerry May

1/8/2013 03:16:24 pm

Hi Max. I just want to say I think working in a high volume department around the holiday would stress anyone out so I can only imagine how hard it was for you. I went to get a few last minute things at the PX here and I was ready to freak out. I dont know how my son got through his shopping but he did and I know he was stressed out like crazy but we made it through. I ended up spending several hours at church Christmas eve and also on New Years eve as well as an additional 4 nights of special services on the 2-4th. I think this gave me a boost to start the New Year out better than usual. Venting is a good way to release some stress. I know you havent posted in awhile. I hope you have gained more clarification of your feelings , which is good. We are always here to listen. I was totally stressed out for pretty much no reason. Self pity maybe over my crappy job which made it a very poor Christmas for me. Ive been applying for jobs everywhere for months and no luck as of yet. It gets discouraging but I keep trying. Ive never had this hard of a time to get a job. I came here to help my son leaving 2 jobs behind from working like 45-60 hrs a week to getting this job I have now which started out close to 20 hrs a week. They said I would get more but it didnt turn out that way. We are now down to less than 15 hrs a week and its killing me. I feel I let my son down and its shameful. All I know is I can never give up and the first job that offers more than 25 hrs a week im jumping on it. ok enough whining for now. Sorry about that. I hope your group meeting goes well. And never give up either. God Bless.

K. Dault link

1/9/2013 04:46:59 am

First, Happy New Year...glad you're here. :)

Next, I think our country has been through such a weird time in the past month or so, between elections and the Sandy Hook shootings, that anyone with a heart has been effected. Throw in holidays, family and customers with no patience and you have the recipe for sending anyone over the edge. I'm proud of you for figuring out why you are/were feeling this way rather than just withdrawing, which would be so much easier to do.

Keep talking and we'll keep listening. I'm still optimistic enough (not naive!) to believe if we put more effort in listening and reaching out to each other, the world will improve. Hey, I don't make new year's resolutions...I try to aim for goals I might actually accomplish. :)

Here to cheer you on toward your own personal finish line for the day's race.

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