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I was at work this weekend and I ran into my therapist from CPT group. I talked to him about having gotten the increase in disability rating. It was strange. In that moment as I was talking to him a lot of things came clear to me.
I felt guilty. I felt like I didn't deserve the rating I received. When things got really bad over in Iraq, I had a ritual every morning. When I first woke up, I asked myself whether 'today was the day that I would die'. I had to confront that fear (and likely reality) every day and accept it . I had to accept it or I wouldn't have been able to make it through the day. That's what makes all of this so hard. Guys who never accepted that they could die, never accepted their fear are the ones who didn't make it back. They were the ones who had the fire and desire to live. I was the one who 'gave up', that deserved their fate. Because of this, I have experienced many a sleepless night since I got the decision in the mail. What is strange is that my doc told me that most veterans with PTSD that he has worked with have shared these same sentiments. How about that. I guess we'll have a lot to talk about in group this Wednesday. 8/20/2012 04:27:02 am
This is going on a lot. I lost my son (Trever) in June to PTSD. He was even talking about going back over again. Issues like this need to be addressed. There are so many emotions that come with being a surviving veteran. 8/21/2012 03:04:45 am
Sheri, my heart goes out to you....PTSD has been a HUGE part of my life thru marriage & because of it, not only am I an advocate of support groups but also speaking engagements for awareness. Many, many families struggle with this phenomenon each day & night - when our backs are to the wall, mutual understanding plays an enormous part in our survival & growth for the next day. Knowing we're not "alone" can often make all the difference. I hear your pain.....contact me when you need a friend & I'll do what I can to be a good one. 8/20/2012 04:50:32 am
Sheri, Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
October 2018
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Note: This website offers links to resources and venues for veterans to discuss PTSD. Any opinions expressed herein are solely the opinions of the website administration and are not a substitute or supplement for professional treatment.