Sorry about the short hiatus from writing on here. I have had a killer time the past few days. I ran into one of those situations that is really easy to brood over and I needed time to figure out what I was feeling and whether it was my PTSD talking or whether the feelings I was having were warranted. Here's the situation: I was feeling slighted and disrespected and I couldn't tell whether it was real or imagined. It took me a while to work through it, but I was able to ascertain after a number of days that it was not my imagination. I decided to confront the person responsible for this behavior. I went into it cool, calm and collected and came out the same way. The person I was confronting didn't like what I had to say, but I could honestly care less. When someone passive aggressively attacks you for months and you finally realize what they are doing, it REALLY gets under your skin. I used to respect this person. Here's the kicker. This person knew about my PTSD and used my uncertainty of my emotions to take out personal frustrations on me, like I was a whipping boy. Needless to say, that's over and done with. There will be no more of that happening again. It's the first time I have questioned whether restraining my emotions was a bad thing. I realized that one person taking advantage of my goodwill doesn't mean that everyone else should have to experience the volatility of my emotions and am staying on the track I have been on. To this nameless person (and you know who you are), you can't beat me down and you will never own me that way again!
4 Comments
3/24/2011 12:45:28 pm
Good for you. I remember after my mother's death the first time being purely angry at someone and not layered with other anger, emotion, grief, etc. It was a slight joy to note. I guess I have to thank her (nameless but not forgotten). She gave me a gift, but oh boy, did she deserve my anger! I'm glad you took the time to observe yourself before responding. People who push buttons are so sneaky that I'm so convinced it's ME for the longest time.
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Max Harris
3/24/2011 01:28:21 pm
Thanks, Lorienne. I feel the same. Every day I learn something new. PTSD is like the world's largest onion. Whenever you think you have peeled back all the layers of your trauma...POOF! There's the onion again...
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Cousin Briana
3/24/2011 04:26:49 pm
I am inspired by your courage and
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Max Harris
3/25/2011 11:51:53 am
Thank you, Briana. It means a lot to me. If I can help even one vet, all of this is worth it to me. Not all vets have been as fortunate as I have been to have such a supportive and loving family.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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