![]() It's been a while since I've written a blog post. For that, again, I am truly sorry. I never intended to go this long, but one of the first things to go when PTSD and depression are starting to get away from you is your accurate sense of the passage of time. When the holiday season started, I thought I was dealing well with the end of my marriage. I was focused, motivated, and very dedicated to my daughter. I was going to the gym and training in MMA twice per week. I was enjoying my job and thriving. Things changed so subtly that I only noticed how depression and PTSD had started creeping in on the edges until things were dangerously close to a tipping point that would have seen me spiraling back into a very dark place. On Christmas Eve, I had to take my daughter to her mother's house. Caley was communicating effectively how much she was grieving that mom and dad were no longer together and it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I woke up on Christmas day, I could feel the depression pushing the walls in. I closed myself into my apartment and pushed back with all of my might. I thought about everything that I have been through over the past few years. I focused on how much progress I've made. I looked at what I have been able to accomplish, despite the PTSD. More importantly, I focused on how I have managed things since my wife said she wanted a divorce. Logically, I knew I should be heartened by what I have been able to accomplish. So why didn't my feelings match what I have been able to provide for myself and for my daughter? For those of you who are familiar with my blog, you know by now that blogging helps me to articulate what I am feeling and why. Writing out how I am feeling, in general, has that effect. Well, on Christmas Eve, I had received a Facebook message from a friend, sending me best wishes and hoping that I was doing OK. I responded with an outflowing of emotion and then, because of the nature of PTSD, summarily forgot that I had written her back until half way through the day on the 26th. Here's what I wrote her: thank you for reaching out. It's been a bit dark for me in recent weeks, since the holidays started. I'm really struggling. I just want to curl up in a hole and I'm fighting the depression with everything I have. The sad part: it's been a slow creep. A death by a thousand cuts, emotionally. I have so much to live for and be proud of but I can't see the forest through the trees right now. I'm about to step into my parents' house to fill them in. You have no idea how much it means to me that you checked in. I hope you have a very merry Christmas. I'll be sending out an email to fill everyone in, since I've been silent for a bit. I am going to need support getting through the next few months, as the divorce gets finalized. I know I can be honest with you so I'll say it. I'm ashamed. Ashamed my marriage failed. Ashamed I can't keep the depression in check. Ashamed I haven't kept up with my blogging. Ashamed. Ashamed. Ashamed. I shudder to think where I'd be right now if it wasn't for my amazing family and friends like you. The crazy thing is that I barely remember writing this or discussing what I wrote in it with my parents until I saw the response from my friend on Facebook. You are right Max you do have so much to live for and be proud of, a great deal, more than most! I wanted to check in several times but at the same time want to respect your need for space. You may always reach out anytime you need someone, even if it's just to listen, share a meal, walk and talk, whatever... YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, trust me when I tell you that forgiving yourself is a must, you need to allow yourself forgiveness because we are all only human trying to get through what can often be a hard and difficult path, it's ok that life doesn't work out like we thought, or that the path we were on changes, as hard as it is for you at this moment I promise you that you will understand at one point in your life and you will know you went through all of this to get through it, I know you will because you didn't get this far without having that courage and strength. I can not ever say I understand what you are dealing with because I have not lived your life, but I can tell you that you don't ever need to go through any of it alone, you have too many people Max who care... Please enjoy the joy of your family, of your daughter and have a blessed Christmas. 2015 is a year for opportunities and growth and love... Merry Christmas! Sometimes, all you need is a little validation from a friend. If you are a friend of someone with PTSD, please read what was written by my friend above. She never claims to understand what I am going through but she validates my emotions while gently reinforcing the positive and forcing me to evaluate the truthfulness of the negative emotions that I was feeling.
Her words were exactly what I needed to hear. It allowed me to safely distance myself from the volatility of my emotions and figure out what exactly had transpired over the past few months that had landed me on the cusp of full-blown despair. Here's how insidious PTSD and depression can be, even when they are being well managed:
What's so frustrating is that, in 20/20 hindsight, it's all so clear. Why couldn't I see it when it was all happening? I mean, I was in a good place. I effectively managing my PTSD triggers and was devoted to my daughter (still am). So why, WHY, am I sitting here writing this blog post? How did I get here? Well, I have a choice to make. Learn from this and move forward to correct all of the things I am not doing to effectively cope, or I can disappear again. Not much of a choice if you ask me. I'm spending the rest of the holiday season resting and relaxing and relishing every moment I have with my daughter. Once 2015 begins, time to rededicate myself to doing the things I need and love doing. All I know is that I have never been so grateful for the amazing family and friends I have in my life. It's time to focus on the things that are working and fixing the things are aren't. Here's to the New Year...
Melinda borrell
12/29/2014 09:43:28 pm
Sending love and good thoughts! Look for joy in the future and keep loving Caley -- she needs her DAD! 12/30/2014 01:14:37 am
Thanks, Melinda. Believe me when I say that being a good father is my biggest motivation. My daughter has an amazing capacity for loving others. I don't want that to change.
Matthew Michael
12/29/2014 11:03:07 pm
I too have combat PTSD and substance abuse diagnosis. I also am recently divorced. I am currently in a Veterans hospital doing residential rehabilitation. I also too suffer from anxiety and depression, especially during the holidays. I appreciate your article/blog. It gives hope to other suffering Veterans with PTSD. 12/30/2014 01:19:17 am
Matthew, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling but proud of you for getting into treatment and getting help. It takes a lot of courage to face what we've been through. More than most people know or can understand.
Ginette Blansjaar
1/22/2015 09:23:36 pm
Hi Max, happy to see you blogging again! Hope you'll find your way back to cope with a PTSD'ers constantly screaming conscience. 2/4/2015 03:07:53 pm
Glad to hear from you! Sorry for the delay in response - I will be adding another blog post in the next day or so...the past few months have been difficult, but I endure.
K. Dault
1/23/2015 12:17:36 pm
I've been thinking about you lately, wondering how you were doing. It's such an odd thing, caring about someone you don't truly know but understanding that someone who is hurting needs to know others care. Such a weird, invisible line between the urge to help and offer an ear to listen without being intrusive. So, simply put, I'm sorry life has been so difficult for you but I have faith that you'll be okay. You have a daughter who loves you and you've touched the lives of people you don't even know. I believe in you...you keep believing in you too. 2/4/2015 03:10:13 pm
Thank you so much for your kind word and your expression of faith and support. The past few months have been very difficult for me but the continued support from you and other readers has helped me endure. Stay tuned for my upcoming blog post.
Ann
2/1/2015 06:30:51 am
Hi Max... there hasn't been anything new recently. I hope you are doing ok. I know that many Veterans pull strength from your posts for their PTSD. But some of us pull strength to help us in our relationship with a Veteran with PTSD. There are plenty of us out here who believe in your strength, caring and love of your family. Thank you for sharing that with us - giving us hope. 2/4/2015 03:12:16 pm
I am continually amazed that my word carry insight and strength to so many. Thank you for your kind words and keep an eye out for my coming post. The past few months have been hard but I endure, I promise you! 2/2/2015 11:10:12 am
Thank you Harris, I hadn't realized that the Holiday season was so rough for myself until I read this, I become particularly hostile during this time, and very depressed. I thought it was just me being a 'grumpy gus', but now I have examined myself and my actions and realize once again, that it is time to seek help. Thank you. Also, if you could check out my blog, it's my way of sharing with other how PTSD effects me, I have to write about it because I am unable to talk about it. 2/4/2015 03:13:49 pm
Elijah,
Hey Max, Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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