 It's been a very long two months. I didn't trust myself to blog about what I was going through, so I haven't blogged about what has transpired. I know I've always been very open about what I am going through, but sometimes you just need to take the time for yourself. So here's the short of it: My wife and I are getting divorced. I know we said in earlier posts that neither one of us would take that precipitous step until we had been separated for six months, but things were just not working. We didn't come to this decision lightly. We committed to everything that we said we were going to commit to. We have been giving every consideration to the impact this has on our daughter, went to marriage counseling, everything. We attended multiple counseling sessions, together and individually. What became very evident to both of us is that too much water had passed under the bridge. I can't be to her what she needs and she can't be to me what I need. Our life paths had diverged too much and there was no foundation of trust or communication for coming back from the precipice. So...we talked. A lot. About a month ago, we mutually agreed to move forward with divorce. It happened on a Thursday. That Friday, Saturday and Sunday that followed were the most emotionally intense days I have gone through since returning home from Iraq. I completely imploded that weekend. Emotions overwhelmed me. The grief was intense. I talked about it with a friend who has gone through divorce and when I told her that it felt like I was grieving for a death in the family, she told me something that I'll never forget. To me divorce was more emotionally intense than losing a loved one. When a loved one dies, there's closure - it's final. With divorce, you don't get that luxury. You don't get closure ever - especially if you still deeply love your partner. Especially when there's a child involved. Well, how about that. It definitely put what I was feeling into perspective. While it helped, I still had to confront what was happening to me and I had to do it quickly. I didn't have a lot of time and I had to be functional for work. Somehow I managed to pick myself up and dust myself off by the end of the weekend.
And then something amazing happened. I found hope in a blunt assessment of my recovery from that weekend: That was the most intense emotional episode I have gone through since I came home from Iraq and I'm still standing...I didn't disappear down the rabbit hole again. I didn't let the depression consume me. Don't get me wrong, I feel the depression and anxiety 'banging on the windows' trying to get in but I have held onto everything that I have learned, and held on fiercely. I have now, at the core of me, a steely resolve - to do right by myself, my family, and my daughter. The inner fire is burning bright. Just for clarification, no I don't like that I'm getting divorced. It's had quite the impact on my self-confidence and my focus. I think about my soon-to-be ex every day. I worry about the long-term impact this is going to have on my daughter, despite our collective best efforts to soften the blow. It's impacted my ability to focus on work and has caused me to question my ability to perform the tasks I have to do at work every day. I continue to struggle every day with this whole mess, but every day is another day I prove to myself that I have the strength to endure this and come out the other side, still capable of loving and laughing. So, what now? Where do I go from here? That's the trick. I don't know. But I'm looking forward to the journey. I want to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life, but I really have no idea where to start. One thing I know for certain is that I will be sharing that journey with all of you. Yes, my PTSD has taken its toll on my life but life didn't end when we decided on divorce. All I know for certain is that I don't want to take this journey alone. I just need to figure out what the hell that means for me and what I want to do about it.
10 Comments
10/28/2014 12:11:11 pm
sometimes it is time to move on so that both parties can find their passion in life ....be patient and doors will open to you in ways that you have never imagined 10/29/2014 02:56:33 pm
One can always hope. And I truly do. More than anything, I just want us both to be happy.
Debra
11/21/2014 02:19:42 pm
Max, My heart goes out to you and your family. I tried to be caring and supportive to a PTSD combat veteran friend through tons and tons of research on the topic, however sadly without success that he wants me in his life. I think, heart-brokenly, he has pushed me away for good, which crushes me than I can express. I admit, I haven't done everything right (trying to 'love' it out of him by words of affection, communication, 'cheerleader', etc). I am trying to accept that it will never be and I truly wish him well. I feel like I failed him as I wasn't the one that he wants or needs and then all of my self-doubt of myself (I wasn't good enough for him, etc). Sorry, I digress -- I appreciate your open-ness; thoughts and prayers to you and your family. You are not alone and thank you/your family for your service.
Ryan
12/21/2014 08:22:06 pm
I too am a divorced combat veteran who is divorced. Reading your blog is like reading my life, for the two years leading up to the divorce and everyday since that day in court to make it official. But, I cannot just find strength to make anything of my life...it's been 4 years.
CSC
9/27/2015 06:17:32 pm
Guys, to be honest. I'm getting ready to go through a divorce after 16 years. I suffer from PTSD and in case that's not enough I am also Bi-Polar. I don't want this, I however understand. My inner rage has been so severe over the last year, my manac side would usually last weeks, and then the rage would usually last days. Now, my rage last weeks. I've never struck my wife, never touched her or the kids. But she feels like she shouldn't have to tolerate it. I've told her the only time she has to deal with it is on days where I can't handle it. She never notices or realize that it's a struggle for me daily. I do know that without her and my two kids. I have nothing
Jennifer
1/31/2016 05:10:48 pm
After almost 7 years, my husband and I are divorcing. He became a heroin addict and didn't actually hear me that I would leave until I actually took our young children and left. I feel like I've given all the energy I can to this relationship and haven't been able to trust him for almost a year now. However, I can't help but feel like if he does something to himself it will be my fault. I know that's not actually the case, but the guilt I would feel if that were to happen would be unbearable. After I left, he didn't see our kids for a couple months. When our 5 year old was in the ER getting stitches, he said he was on his way and never showed up. I can't imagine never being there for my kids, and I guess I can't get over that it seems like an option to him. II wish there was some way I could help him, but at the same time I just can't do it anymore. I work full time and he gets his VA disability, making almost double what I do. I don't want his money, although I do need help paying for childcare since he can't handle the kids "due to his PTSD." I feel as if I've been on my own for a long time now and its easier knowing that I am on my own compared to being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel alone. It's so much less stressful, but he is the father of my children and I will still help him in any way I can. That's just who I am. Any thoughts or comments are appreciated. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading and listening.
Iwashoodwinkedandbamboozled
2/13/2016 05:44:32 pm
I'm sorry for all of the losses I just read about. I am a disabled vet married to a combat vet with ptsd. I ask questions from the beginning of the relationship just to find out after we are married that everything was I lie. My spouse because of my open trust has me in not only financial ruin but low self esteem. I've been mentally, emotionally and psychologically abused on a daily since 2014 not to mention a 40lb weight gain. I haven't until recently regained enough of me to return to the gym and go out the house alone because if I did there was the start of an argument.
michael
5/10/2016 08:39:46 am
I am not a combat veteran. However as I was tortured as an infant and would regularly black out as a child and adult due ti the terror in my conciousness. ...it took many years to overcome that and live through it again...and then I went through more he'll regarding other things mostly physical. I honor your service abd the hell you went through. .that in the modern age is so under honored. LIFE IS rough and may you heal all your wounds.
AlGuelph
8/5/2016 01:59:24 pm
Great post. My husband and I are currently in the early stages of divorce and while it doesn't have much to do with his PTSD, it does worry me in the future. What if he has a bad episode alone with our kids? I don't think he should have unsupervised access and I bet this will cause a lot of problems as we try to agree how to move forward. I'm using www.thistoo.co to try to finish the paperwork for an uncontested divorce in Canada. Do you think it's unreasonable to ask for sole custody and only allow him supervised access?
max
8/10/2016 04:15:34 am
any updates? going thru this now ! Leave a Reply. |
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