A friend of mine contacted me recently and he was in distress. During a heated discussion with his ex, he got so angry that he swung at her shoulder. Unfortunately, she turned into it and the punch glanced off her shoulder and he clocked her in the face. When I read what he wrote me, I was shocked and initially stunned. I didn't know what to think. After carefully considering his act of domestic violence, I decided to withhold judgement of his actions until I finished reading what he had written me.
After reading his note in entirely, I was angered that he was put in the situation and frustrated that it happened at all. I need to make this clear: I do not condone his behavior in this matter - violence is unacceptable. That being said, there was more than enough blame to go around. He explained to me that part of the reason that his ex was his ex was because of her cruel enjoyment of pushing his buttons - buttons she knew would get the desired reaction from him. He allowed her back into his life out of a desire to repair damaged relationships and his generosity of spirit. His reward was being pushed to violence. Enter the Concept of Toxic People: The basic idea behind this concept is that we, as veterans with PTSD, need to identify these toxic personalities present in our lives and excise them like they are a metastatic cancer. For every veteran, this personality is different. It could be someone in your family, it could be a 'friend'. It could be lazy people who don't give a shit about others. It could be people who try to shove their religion down your throat. It could be anything. The hard part is knowing what to do about it. If you know that someone can get you to redline, find a way to avoid this situation at all costs. Spouses and loved ones, you are also needed in this process. You can sometimes recognize when someone is goading your loved one with their behavior. If you see this happening, play interference or extricate your veteran from that situation. My friend wanted me to out him in this post. He felt so badly about what happened that he was willing to take the heat when I dropped his name on here. I told him I would never do that, even if he begged. His right to privacy and all of yours hangs in the balance. You need to be able to trust that I would keep your privacy in mind when I write these posts. I hope this makes you all think about this issue, veterans and spouses. What happens when you stick a sleeping bear with a red-hot poker? You get mauled. If you know someone is wielding a poker and is trying to wake the 'bear', remove them from your life. As I have heard many times in my life: 'People Teach You How To Treat Them'. Act accordingly.
Mark
12/13/2012 10:16:08 am
Amen brother. Sometimes hard to let them go but I'm realizing ya gotta
Moe
12/28/2012 10:14:44 am
I dont go around my linlaws because of the way they treat my girls. Well they graduate next year and I dont know how that is going to go because one look at them sets me off! Pray for me
Donna
2/22/2013 04:27:49 am
I can totally relate to this post. After 20 years of marriage to a man who was both Physically & emotionally abusive I got out and moved back home (AL) to be closer to my family. I couldn't cope with life or even leave my new home. I literally hid from the world around me. I sought help and was diagnosed with PTSD & bi-polar as well as other anxiety and depression. I had always known I was manic depressive but never heard of PTSD other than I knew it was something VETS went through. To make a long story short, Now I have the cause and treatment as well as living on SSI because I can't work with this disorder. I have no Family support at all. They either are all in denial or fear it, or just don't believe it. My boyfriend is one that literally goads me constantly with the name calling or saying stuff like I live off the GOVT. or other peoples money. I am at a loss. No amount of meds can help with this constant bullying from not only him but other family members as well. 2/22/2013 01:10:44 pm
Donna,
rebecca Brown
4/19/2013 08:11:38 pm
So, I have a question? I am a very passionate person, whether it be good or bad… I also am a person that if something is wrong I have to know what it is that I did, and when I get 'ignored' i get angry and the more i get ignored the more I want to know what I did wrong. Like a ridiculous cycle. I never knew what PTSD WAS or what it entailed…and after about 6 months of being in my relationship with my boyfriend, he told me that he couldn't take care of himself, let alone be in a relationship. Will he, the person with PTSD, ever understand that and see that if you start to get counseling yourself to know how to cope and help the person with PTSD and to help yourself, that you want to not be a problem but a comfort and resource for him? I am pregnant too… only 9 weeks… but we always would talk and I just wasn't equipped to handle the ptsd, depression and suicidal tendencies… I was always there for him when NO ONE else was, I had to force my finger down his throat when he swallowed 3 bottles of his pills… he was overwhelmed with depression for hitting me so thats why he took the pills. How do I fix this? I now realize with the beginnings of counseling that I was too New Yorkish for him sometimes… how do I make it up to him> I have been learning tools to help me see the triggers, and little signs that say "i am ptsd'ing right now' so to speak. I texted a long text letting him know how sorry i was, and that i had no idea of what he was experiencing… he told me not to apologize and he needed to get his head together.. he texted my son the same thing… he seemed like we would work it out and then all of a sudden after 2 days, he tells me he can't do any of it… to include have a baby… all and everyone that knows him knew how excited he was about this baby, he always joked that being a stay at home daddy was his dream job.. and i was so happy because I wanted to work and go aback to school and he was content with that. he did get with a buddy however, during those 2 days,and this buddy got kicked out the STARR program for heroin and meth… and somehow he convinced my boyfriend that life is so much better with out any responsibility and to cut me off. I am so hurt… i don't know what to do.. I am getting counseling and it seems too late?? I am also a veteran, 40% disabled due to a broken back i got, I was a Drill Sergeant, endured a rape by 3 men in fort drum and beaten, left in a ditch… and the death of my newborn and my BN Co did not respect the paperwork from the doctors saying i was on bed rest…. I also was married for 16 years to a Special Forces Soldier that physically tortured and beat and "raped" me too. So I have been thru my fair share of problems…. I guess thats why I am high strung?? and very stubborn and hard headed i guess. I don't know… but I really need help or advice about this.. I never want to minimize what he is going thru!!! I love him so much and want him to have fun with life again!!
rebecca brown
4/19/2013 08:14:08 pm
Clarification, we were together longer, he lived with me for 6 months.. he had been hospitalized in starr and a psych ward for the previous 5 months… during which he and I lost a baby girl.. I was 18 weeks along…
rebecca brown
4/19/2013 08:18:14 pm
Also, it seemed like he knew I would get angry. He wouldn't BUDGE, when I would want to compromise on anything… but we still always worked it out…mostly i would just give up.. and we were both stubborn like that tho…but it was almost always so good, and every night we would pray with my kids and he would tell them he loved them too… so it wasn't just me hurt by this..my kids are too… I just don't understand... Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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