I took some time off for family birthdays these past few days and I ended up discovering something about myself that was unexpected: I had really unrealistic expectations for myself as a father. I am not sure when the thinking started this way, but it caused me a lot of problems and made me feel helpless to do anything about it. It caused my PTSD to flare up and I needed to make sure that this never happened again.
After my daughter was born, I felt a lot of pressure to provide for my family. All of that pressure was put on me by...me. I was already providing well for my family, but I didn't feel it was good enough. I wanted to be a good father and a good provider, so I doubled my efforts at work, thought about how I could get better and learn faster. I became obsessed with the next promotion. I began neglecting the emotional needs of my family - not intentionally, but because I was obsessed with being the perfect provider and husband. Boy did I have a serious disconnect. By striving to be perfect at work, I lost sight of what it really means to be a good father and provider. It means being a good husband and partner. It means being there for your child when she needs a hug. When I realized that I had become emotionally detached from my family, I thought it was because of my obsessive behavior at work - coming home with nothing left in the tank. I realized the past few days that this was not the case. You see, I have this little problem. If I think I don't have the ability to be 'perfect' (like I thought I had the ability at work), I avoided what would cause me not to be perfect. In this case, it was my family. It all started with simple comments: "You are an amazing father. Your daughter loves you so much. Oh wow is she a daddy's girl! You are so calm! Are you sure you haven't done this before?" I heard these questions and comments everywhere that I went with my daughter after she was born. Everyone seemed to think I was this perfect father and I kept on thinking one thing: What happens when they find out I am not? I need to be perfect for everyone. I need to be the perfect father for every one...I need to be perfect...I need to be...but I can't be a perfect father...I don't know how or what that means, but I need to be perfect... This circular train of thought was latched onto in a very unhealthy way by my PTSD. I started having catastrophic thoughts about royally screwing up as a father. I thought through every possible scenario I could imagine and how I was bound to screw it up. I became so afraid of making a mistake as a father that I stopped trying to be one. I closed myself off emotionally and focused on the one thing I felt I had control over: work. This is where PTSD can get ugly. The PTSD wouldn't let matters stand. There were other insecurities it could latch onto and boy did it. I started thinking about how I was screwing everything up at work. I became more and more agitated about trivial things as the year went by. I lost the ability to control my temper. It just kept on getting worse. And worse. And worse. And then everything came to a head. My family was reaching its breaking point because of my drive/need to be perfect. When I realized this a few days ago, I swore to myself that this would never happen again. The problem was I had no idea what had caused the obsessive perfectionist behavior in the first place. I am still trying to figure that out. Maybe that will be tomorrow's post...
3 Comments
4/27/2012 01:31:49 pm
Just don't forget one thing, my friend: you'll give up perfectionism imperfectly!
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4/27/2012 01:34:03 pm
Yeah, that's the other part I haven't figured out yet: How not to fall into the trap of needing to be perfect at not being perfect....
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4/28/2012 03:41:54 am
Max, going beyond your comments, I read a piece recently about the top ten things hospice patients tell their nurses they wish they had done and spending less time at work was top on the list coupled with spending more time with the kids while they were growing up. The problem is instead of joing the bike gang or staying in the bar til closing, some PTSD Vets become obsessed with the job and the next promotion and spend untold hours and in the end the company gets sold or when you turn 40 or fifty some punk comes along and takes the same job you wanted except with a different title. Its like a Gunny or SFC recruiting in a strip mall that never will get promoted again waiting out his last enlisment and you missed life. Don't be "that guy".
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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