PTSD and Perfectionism: Being a Father

I took some time off for family birthdays these past few days and I ended up discovering something about myself that was unexpected:  I had really unrealistic expectations for myself as a father.  I am not sure when the thinking started this way, but it caused me a lot of problems and made me feel helpless to do anything about it.  It caused my PTSD to flare up and I needed to make sure that this never happened again.

After my daughter was born, I felt a lot of pressure to provide for my family.  All of that pressure was put on me by...me.  I was already providing well for my family, but I didn't feel it was good enough.  I wanted to be a good father and a good provider, so I doubled my efforts at work, thought about how I could get better and learn faster.  I became obsessed with the next promotion.  I began neglecting the emotional needs of my family - not intentionally, but because I was obsessed with being the perfect provider and husband.

Boy did I have a serious disconnect.  By striving to be perfect at work, I lost sight of what it really means to be a good father and provider.  It means being a good husband and partner.  It means being there for your child when she needs a hug.  When I realized that I had become emotionally detached from my family, I thought it was because of my obsessive behavior at work - coming home with nothing left in the tank.  I realized the past few days that this was not the case.  You see, I have this little problem.  If I think I don't have the ability to be 'perfect' (like I thought I had the ability at work), I avoided what would cause me not to be perfect.  In this case, it was my family.

It all started with simple comments:  "You are an amazing father.  Your daughter loves you so much.  Oh wow is she a daddy's girl!  You are so calm!  Are you sure you haven't done this before?" 

I heard these questions and comments everywhere that I went with my daughter after she was born.  Everyone seemed to think I was this perfect father and I kept on thinking one thing:  What happens when they find out I am not?  I need to be perfect for everyone.  I need to be the perfect father for every one...I need to be perfect...I need to be...but I can't be a perfect father...I don't know how or what that means, but I need to be perfect...

This circular train of thought was latched onto in a very unhealthy way by my PTSD.  I started having catastrophic thoughts about royally screwing up as a father.  I thought through every possible scenario I could imagine and how I was bound to screw it up.  I became so afraid of making a mistake as a father that I stopped trying to be one.  I closed myself off emotionally and focused on the one thing I felt I had control over:  work.

This is where PTSD can get ugly.  The PTSD wouldn't let matters stand.  There were other insecurities it could latch onto and boy did it.  I started thinking about how I was screwing everything up at work.  I became more and more agitated about trivial things as the year went by.  I lost the ability to control my temper.  It just kept on getting worse.  And worse.  And worse.

And then everything came to a head.  My family was reaching its breaking point because of my drive/need to be perfect.  When I realized this a few days ago, I swore to myself that this would never happen again.  The problem was I had no idea what had caused the obsessive perfectionist behavior in the first place.  I am still trying to figure that out.  Maybe that will be tomorrow's post...