WARNING: The following blog post is very graphic and will disturb some readers. If you have PTSD, this account could trigger you. Despite this, I had to get it out of my head and try to think through what happened. The silence was deafening, but we all knew what was coming. I don't know if I held my breath for seconds or minutes. Time has ceased to have meaning when they fired on their own troops. I startled awake and felt the familiar pain of bile burning the back of my throat. As was becoming the norm, I had woken up from the nightmare choking on my own vomit. I scrambled out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I vomited repeatedly into the sink. I dry-heaved for an hour, unable to clear the bile from the back of my throat. When the gag reflex receded, I continued to salivate and spit for another hour. I finally dared to look up and didn't recognize the person staring back at me. My face had a gaunt, almost skeletal quality to it that I hadn't seen before. My eyes were swollen and red, the blood vessels in my eyes inflamed. "I thought things were getting better" That's a common thought that runs through my mind every time I start to physically recover from my nightmares. It finally sank in yesterday that the nightmares seemed to be their worst after the deepest and darkest moments of my latest episode have receded far enough for me to see and recognize the insanity that others call 'hope'. I was too exhausted to sleep after that moment. I somehow didn't let on at work that I had this horrible experience Friday night into Saturday. I was afraid to go to sleep last night and slept fitfully until something woke me up. I had only been in bed for an hour or so, but my heart was racing and I didn't know why. Determined to fight this feeling of complete helplessness, I ran for my iPad, plugged in my earbuds and turned on the Phillip Phillips. Something in one of his songs vibrated through me and I finally felt at peace. "Gone, Gone, Gone" I'd listened to this song many times before, but the lyrics never really registered until last night and I knew I had found an anthem that would put my mind at ease and always remind me that I wasn't going through this alone. I had the love of my wife, friend, family, and even strangers to keep my head above water - even when I didn't have the strength to keep myself afloat. So this one's for all of you - You Know Who You Are. 2/24/2013 07:27:22 am
Very touched by this...I'm also a huge Phillips fan myself. So happy you found peace through one of his songs. Thank you for your service...please be blessed in your venture to wellness. 2/24/2013 07:31:09 am
Thank you. I will do everything I can. I appreciate your support!
Teresa
2/24/2013 09:27:37 am
please know that you are not alone. You are so brave. It shows in the way you have shared yourself with us. I am so sorry that you have to have these nightmares. Hold on to the good and let go the bad when you are able. I am so happy that Phillips song briings you comfort. It does for me too. He has a special gift and I hope he know that. Thank you for also honoring him. Peace 2/24/2013 09:58:25 am
Teresa, 2/24/2013 11:15:35 am
Phillips has a way about him. He tells stories as well as the folk singers like Simon and Garfunkel, Dan Fogelberg, Marc Cohn. He has a rare gift and I am sure I am not the only person his music and voice resonate with.
Merri Call
2/24/2013 11:37:55 am
First, this brought me to tears. You are in my prayers and also most importantly thank you for sharing this. God will always be with you as well. As well now all Phillip Phillips Fans. This is posted on the Fan Page on Face Book and your story is being told. God Bless you!!! 2/24/2013 11:40:47 am
Merri,
Allan Phillips
2/24/2013 12:28:07 pm
Max, first I want to thank you for what you have done for our country. It's people like you that made it possible for me to write comments back to you. Our Freedom! No one but you know how you feel, or what you've been through, unless they have experienced it themselves. I am Phillip's uncle. And I can assure you that Phillip is truly a unique person, that I believe the Lord has chosen to spread his work to others. He is truly a Christian, that was brought up in the church. That is where he got his start playing & singing. I'm glad his song has "Touched" you in a special way, and I'm sure the Lord had something to do with it. Put your trust in the Lord, and he will guide you thru these difficult times. May God Bless you and your family. 2/24/2013 12:39:03 pm
Allan,
Thessa
2/24/2013 04:13:23 pm
Wow!. I am speechless. God bless yall! I love this song..pls check it out It's from the album "The World Form The Side Of The Moon" there are lots of songs of hope in there and love and passion. Music heals. Peace everyone! 2/25/2013 09:29:11 am
I've already got it. It's an amazing album. Thanks for the support!
Kathy
2/25/2013 02:16:28 am
Thank you for your service and for defending out country. Thank you for all of it. I read your story, and know several who have served. I hope and pray that the nightmares you suffer from fade away. thank you for your story. I too am a Phillip Phillips fan, I live in the same town he is from. Keep writing, that may help you. Take care and know you are not alone. 2/25/2013 09:30:45 am
Kathy, Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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