I thought a lot yesterday about what was causing the obsessive perfectionist behavior. What I realized is that it all stemmed from fear. Fear that I wouldn't be able to provide for my family. Fear that I wouldn't be a good father. Fear that the PTSD would ruin everything. Fear that I would scare my daughter. Fear that I would scare my wife. Fear that I would scare myself...
I could keep on going. I was afraid of everything. I was afraid to live my life and see what comes my way. At the same time, my fear motivated me to work like a mad man. My fears of scaring my wife and daughter contributed heavily to closing myself off emotionally from my family. I felt like I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. The only way I saw out of the corner I had painted myself into was to be perfect. I figured if I could be perfect at one aspect of my life (being a provider), everything else would fall into place.
Boy was I wrong. I am continuing to think about how I can avoid falling into this trap again. I don't know if I have it figured out yet. I wish I did. I recognize that fear of my PTSD, fear of living my life, precipitated a lot of this. Acknowledging that fear was running my life is the first step. I just don't know where to place the next step...
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.