I just got back from the pulmonary functions tests and the lady said there was significant obstruction, but that it didn't look like COPD - more like allergies. I didn't feel very confident that this lady knew what the hell she was talking about. If the allergies are constant and the lungs reaction is, therefore, also constant, how is it not chronic? I guess I will wait and see what the doc says for certain, but my anxiety went through the roof. It's my birthday and I am trying not to snap at everyone and everything.
I am trying to calm myself down and put all of this in a good perspective, but it is difficult. I have been scared to exercise. I was afraid of what might happen if I hadn't been to these tests yet. All these tests did was create more ambiguity and more questions. Historically, this is exactly the type of situation that would put me into a really deep funk and make me a real pleasure to be around. I know this and am trying to do make sure that doesn't happen. I have been extremely irritable the past few days and my wife doesn't deserve this.
The one thing I can't stop is the physiological change - my hands are shaking so badly from the adrenalin dump that I am having difficulty typing. I am going to focus on the part I CAN do something about - my attitude. Because of the PTSD, my mind is trained to think of the worst case scenarios with all of this. If I think about those, all that will happen is my anxiety and adrenalin will increase.
You know what? Fuck these tests. I am done with this. Come hell or high water I am going to enjoy my birthday today. I am going to start exercising my butt off - mind over matter. I am going to exercise to exorcise...
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.