Dani and I have been working on packing and finalizing all of the details for our move in less than two weeks. I have been in a funk for almost the whole time we have been doing this and it took me until now to realize why:
When we start disrupting the equilibrium we have established in our home in any way (i.e. packing to move), it very quickly destroys the sense of peace and security I have found. It stops feeling like a home and I no longer feel safe. That's what has been nagging at me the past few weeks. I have come home from work and have had no true way to unwind. I can't unwind because I need to feel secure in my surroundings in order to put my guard down enough to cope with what I experienced that day. When I don't have this, everything builds up and it becomes a sort of sensory overload. I don't flip out, I don't get angry. I become distracted and distant.
So now I have to deal with the anger directed at myself for not knowing this was going to happen. It isn't like this is the first time we have moved. I realized this at work and the littlest things angered me. It took so much effort to remain calm that I came home and slumped onto the bed in a fit of exhaustion. Dani was sick with worry because she thought I was sick or injured. She hadn't really seen me like that before. I think it was more visceral this time around because we have experienced stability for a good while now and we had both become comfortable with it. I wouldn't say we had become complacent, but it felt like it when I first realized what was going on.
Needless to say, figuring this out has been a great relief (or will be when I calm the hell down). I know that tomorrow will be new day and Dani and I have started planning the layout of the new apartment to keep my mind focused on creating a new home and haven for our family. I wouldn't say she's trying to distract my mind from my current environment, but she recognizes that I need something to latch onto that will make me optimistic that I will experience the sense of security we just lost. Soon.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.