Long Night. More Realizations

4/6/2012

It was one of those nights. I don't remember the nightmares, just feeling of nausea and the smell of blood. I woke up too many times to count so this was repetitive. Really repetitive. I was so exhausted I didn't hear my alarm and my wife was back from the gym before I was able to drag my ass out of bed. Needless to say, my wife was justifiably annoyed with me.

Here's the weird part. I'm in a good mood today. Despite the start to the day, I'm in a good mood. It's almost like my body and my mind are saying, "Screw you, PTSD!" While I wish this could be the case every day, it's not. It's not even frequent at this point. It starts to wear on the soul. When you look at the past week and all you see is sadness and anger broken up with small bright spots of happiness, it's hard to remain hopeful or optimistic.

That's what I wrote this morning before I went to the VA. I was sitting in the waiting room and realized that I was falling prey to the same cycle that I had been trapped in before. God Damn It All to HELL!!

I will not let my PTSD take over. Not again. Not ever. I looked back over the past week. Yeah, a lot of it was rough. It was not a great week. Much of this past year wasn't rosy. What I realized is that I am so physically exhausted all of the time that it's making me more vulnerable to the catastrophic thinking, the depression. That sleep study can't get here soon enough. If I can get just one good night sleep, without the use of medication to put me under, I may just cry. I feel that my inability to get a good night sleep is making it near impossible to have a healthy outlook on life. Is it May yet?

So here's my two cents for the day. VETERANS: If you find you are physically exhausted all of the time and you have a hard time staying asleep, ask for a sleep study. Find out it there is a clinical reason for your physical exhaustion. Don't write off what your body may be trying to tell you as a side effect of your medication or depression. Be your own advocate. Don't ever settle for the status quo.

5 Comments

Cindy

4/9/2012 01:29:00 pm

I sleep on and off 2-4 hrs a night for the last 3 years. I KNOW this contributes to my PTSD, but I am fearful of meds. Why? Because part of my problem is I can't sleep because I think I, or my family, will be killed because I was sleeping "on watch." I sit up all night waiting for the enemy to attack. I can't even tell everything that goes on in my head to my psych, for fear they will lock me up. Sleep would be bliss.

Max Harris link

4/9/2012 01:40:27 pm

Cindy,
What you describe here is well known to me. It's called hypervigilance and you aren't doing yourself any favors by avoiding talking to the docs about this. Lack of sleep made me paranoid. Really paranoid. I didn't think anyone would understand and that people would think I was crazy. Sound familiar? You are still living your present like you are still over in Iraq.

The sad part is, you and I both know that I could tell you all of this until I am blue in the face. Until you are ready to accept help, you won't let yourself get any. Or are you? You are reaching out here and for that I am grateful. Maybe someone telling you what you already know is what you need to hear.

I wish the best for you.

Yours in Health,

Max Harris

4/9/2012 04:28:04 pm

Max, I WANT to get better, I really do. But I am a single parent, with no siblings, no living relatives, and no one that understands, except for a few military friends who have been there- but all of them live far from me. If I told the doctors half of what goes on in my head, they would take my kids away. I can't even put it in writing, for fear of people seeing it. I just keep trudging along, day by day. It's all I can do.

4/9/2012 04:34:29 pm

Cindy,

I can't even begin to know what kind of difficult position that puts you in. If you feel that strongly, listen, write, and learn from those who are further along in the process of healing. YOU are exactly why I created this site. The safety of anonymity you find here you can't find on Facebook (although I do have a page there as well). Don't ever hesitate to ask questions. Know that I will always answer them to the best of my ability based on my personal experience. I wish you the best, I really do. Raising a child with both parents present is difficult enough when PTSD enters the equation. Do what you can to take care of yourself - you are no good to anyone else if you let your mind and body break down.

Yours in Health,

Max Harris

4/10/2012 01:14:57 am

Thank you, Max.

Living with PTSD:
Every Day is a New Day