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Yeah, you read that correctly. I recently met someone. She's intelligent, passionate about languages and culture, and attractive as hell. I had a blast speaking with her about cultural experiences and could have talked for hours more.
I have zero expectations and I think we could become good friends. The problem is, I can also see the potential for something more and it scares the living shit out of me. I just got through this divorce and I'm not ready for anything else, but... I find her intellect and her kindness incredibly appealing. She hung on my every word with keen interest and it's been so long since someone outside of my family or work did that. My emotions are a jumbled mess. When she finds out about the PTSD, will she think me irretrievably broken? Do I have it in me to be a good friend? I never thought that meeting someone who shares so many interests would trigger my PTSD, but there you have it. The old PTSD fallbacks are pushing to the forefront. All I want to do is withdraw into myself and avoid the uncertainty. In my mind, it's also fear of 'inevitable alienation' that's twisting me up in knots. The catastrophic thinking has me on my heels. When she finds out I have PTSD, will she think, "I could be friends with this guy, but boy is he a mess. Do I want to invite this drama into my life?" This is what I was talking about in my previous post - I've grown in so many ways...but at times, I'm still crippled by low self-esteem, self-doubt, and fear hurting others and getting hurt in return. So, this is apparently my latest struggle. I don't want to spend my life alone. I want to meet and be surrounded by friends who love and respect me. I want to find someone who's committed to me for the long haul, someone who I can be committed to in return. And I have no freaking clue how to take that first step. Don't get me wrong, I've found a great community at my temple that makes me feel included and respected, but this is something else. After everything that I've been through, I'm not in any rush to jump into anything. I just wish I knew how to take the first step without tripping over my own two feet. I'm a single dad with an energetic almost five year-old. I have PTSD. I'm a very busy entrepreneur and I have a non-profit to revitalize. I know I need to make time for myself and I can't put my life on hold but when am I supposed to find the time to relearn how to socialize? If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears. I haven't been in the right frame of mind or situation to even think about this when the divorce was still in process. Still, it feels good to be back and blogging and getting this all out.
Honestly, just go slow. Let life unfold instead of pushing it or running from it. That old adage about "be yourself" is so true. You enjoyed your conversation with the lovely lady...keep talking. Then your story is more likely to follow a natural progression: it's not like you're on some bizarre game show where you have to stand up and rattle off a list of personal life facts. When we first meet the people we end up friends with, we don't know that much about them. It's all a learning process. I understand your unease right now, but I have faith that you can work past it and toward a new life which includes someone special. You're worth it. 9/2/2015 04:13:46 pm
You need to tell her about your PTSD and your divorce, you have to be honest about this.Do you attend classes or group sessions with other vets, do you see a shrink to talk to about your problems. It takes the courage of a true warrior to ask for help, DO IT. You are not CRAZY or BROKEN, you just need some help, understanding and a lot of TLC. You can do it, please. 8/18/2015 01:59:28 pm
Kim, I have PTSD and boy do I relate, "Don't let Love become a trigger again. Sounds like you have a second chance, and you know the drill. Now just listen to your common sense, and not the PTSD" -- So hard to hear that, isn't it. The only advice I can give is what I learned, there's no greater bravery than the willingness to love and be loved in spite of our flaws - I'm married 10 years to my best friend and lover, take it slow and don't run away from or underestimate yours.
Mills
10/10/2015 05:40:12 pm
I fell in love with a man with PTSD, and it wasn't the PTSD that made me fall for him. It was him. 10/12/2015 10:29:22 pm
I wish I would have had the opportunity - it never panned out. My big thing is to take it slow, with whomever I do end up dating. Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
October 2018
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Note: This website offers links to resources and venues for veterans to discuss PTSD. Any opinions expressed herein are solely the opinions of the website administration and are not a substitute or supplement for professional treatment.