Three times in the past day I have been asked how you reassure your wife that it's not her fault. Many combat vets with PTSD, when they are in a bad stretch, become emotionally detached. They become depressed, unresponsive to the loving administrations of their spouse. The bad news: There is no silver bullet to fix this.
The good news: There is a lot you can do to reinforce that your PTSD is not her fault. The following is based on my personal experience: I'm a Failure: many spouses feel like a failure if they can't snap you out of it. They feel that your emotional distance is because they have done something to make you love them less. We all know this is not the case. Logically, they know that it's not their fault, but their heart is telling them something different. Recommendation: Even though you don't feel up to it, force yourself to reassure her. Touch her on the arm, give her hugs, back rubs, your undivided attention for just a second to look her in the eyes and tell her it's NOT HER FAULT. Make sure it registers. Say it as often as needed. Feeling Isolated: Look into finding her a support group for spouses who are struggling. In many cases, just knowing she's not the only one going through this can validate her feelings and make it easier to accept that the PTSD is the problem - not her. Recommendation: A really good resource for this can be found here if you prefer face-to-face support. There are a lot of online peer-to-peer support networks. Check out this website for more information. You need to help your spouse find the support she needs. It can be hard to focus on anything other than yourself - PTSD is inherently a selfish malady from my experience (selfish, as in you get wrapped up in yourself and have not time for anyone else). Feeling Overwhelmed: Your spouse, when things get this bad, often has to do everything alone - tending the house, working, tending to children, paying bills, etc. Oh yeah, and tending to YOU. Recommendation: Take all of that responsibility for a while. As exhausting as it will be for you to tend to everything for a day, tell your wife to go take a day for herself. You take care of everything at home. If you don't trust yourself to attend to the children and you have family nearby, tell them the situation and ask them to take the children off your hands to help your spouse stay sane. If you are feeling stable enough to reciprocate emotionally, take a day away for both of you. Your gentle and intimate touch can make all the difference in the world. These are the big ones I can think of. There are other marital issues, but concerning reassuring your spouse that your PTSD is not her fault is pretty well covered by this list. If there is anything I didn't cover or any specific questions, please comment on this blog post. I would also love to hear from other people to hear what they do to battle this.
6 Comments
This is very touching that someone would take time out to express the heartache we the spouse goes thru as well.. Many forget PTSD effects the whole family not just our poor spouses who have been thru so much that many of us can never even imagine.. My husband is my hero and it hurts my heart to not be able to take his PTSD away.. At times I wonder if I even help him at all with it!! Wife's.. Husbands.. Moms.. Dads.. Children.. Just have faith in God & always be there for ur family even when times seem there worse..
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3/17/2012 01:36:41 am
Thank you for commenting on this subject. It is something very near and dear to my hear. A person struggling with PTSD needs a strong support network. If I don't recognize the sacrifices my loved ones have made to support me, I deserve what I get. It's a challenge. Many folks who are actively suffering from PTSD lose sight of the sacrifices others have made for them and end up alienating many friends, family, etc.
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connie
3/18/2012 04:13:25 pm
Secondary PTSD medical studies are on the rise due to this exact issue! A spouse (or other loved one) often experiences a form of PTSD because of someone else's PTSD.... my heart goes out to our soldiers as they struggle but I think its great that articles are being written an studies are being done to remind the soldiers, the community and ourselves that we struggle with PTSD TOO! YOUR PTSD! We only struggle with it because we care SO much about you! I wish I could make it all go away but since I can't I promise I wont let it scare me away from you!
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3/18/2012 04:23:22 pm
Thank you, Connie for your words of support. There is still a lot of vague information on the secondary PTSD research. While I firmly believe it is a real issue, it is hard for therapists to take it seriously when the sample sizes of the studies I have seen are too small to be representative of the community affected. I hope this changes soon ,but in the meantime, lets keep up the fight!
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connie
3/18/2012 04:32:58 pm
I agree the term frightens many people and professionals! However the bottom line is someone I love is hurting deeply therefore I am hurting!!! So shall we say "I'm suffering from my spouses ptsd" . PTSD is hard to "treat" therefore secondary or "Sets" will be too! Showing love even when you don't want to or think you can't...is so important! Thank you for helping spouses like me get the word out there and fight this fight!! 3/18/2012 05:06:58 pm
I have to clarify for everyone, not just Connie: I do not recommend changing the name of Secondary PTSD out of some sense of political correctness. I know how much the term PTSD has stigmatized service members and slowed down the healing process. I came up with the term of Sympathetic Emotional Trauma Syndrome to combat the stigmatization I would never wish upon my spouse.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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