Is That Me or the PTSD?

4/7/2012

After this past year of letting the PTSD run my life, I have a really big problem: I can't figure out what is my PTSD and what is me. When I have a strong emotional response, is it me or the PTSD? When I have difficulty sleeping, is it me or the PTSD? So now, not only do I have to retrain my brain not to fear the PTSD, I also have to examine my feelings and whether I have habitualized this fear and let my PTSD take control of my emotions.

So what does this mean for me? It means every time I have a strong emotional reaction, I have to clamp down on it. I have to take a step back from myself and ask: Is this ME or the PTSD. More often than not, it's the PTSD and that scares the shit out of me. I had let the PTSD take so much control over what I felt that I had lost my identity to it.

When I realized this, I got really concerned. If I have grown accustomed to acting this way, being my PTSD, how do I know who I am anymore? Talk about the worst kind of identity crisis. So I decided today that I am going to reach out to one of my friends that I alienated: One of my friends that has a clear idea of who I used to be before all of this started. Maybe he can find it in his heart to help me get back to where I was and to rediscover who I was. If there is one thing I know for certain, this person knows who I am and would kick the PTSD in the nuts for fucking up our friendship.

Well, I guess we shall see. I have my work cut out for me. I need to learn how to be me again. Not an easy task. My doc said I am performing self-imposed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. OK. I guess I am. I am trying to be aware of how my PTSD interacts with the core of who I am so that I can separate them. That sounds more like Metaphysical Id Therapy to me...

8 Comments

Kimberly

4/7/2012 02:05:24 am

You have taken some very important first steps. Way to go!!! And making a plan on your own?? I applaud your strength! You may never be "who you used to be", but you can be "who you want to be". Always keep your doctor briefed on what you are doing to make sure you stay on the right path.
As you know, friends and family will play a big part in the process. Dealing with family can bring on strong emotions even without PTSD. Most of all, at the end of the day, don't beat yourself up over small things. Tomorrow is a brand new day!

Jill

4/7/2012 04:44:30 am

Max,
We are on parallel journeys, I too have lost myself. Your thoughts inspire me and I can relate. So glad you have decided to open your heart to a friend from the past, it will be very healing for you I am sure of it!! Keep plugging away, I admire your courage!! Blessings.

Max Harris link

4/7/2012 11:36:37 am

Thanks for the kind remarks Kimberly. I will do whatever I have to in order to get my head right. I am sick and tired of being defined by having PTSD. It's sometimes gut wrenching but even a small shuffle forward or standing still is better than moving backward.

Jill, thank you. I will continue to fight. You do the same and I'll see you at the light at the end of the tunnel.

Deb

4/8/2012 04:22:57 am

Max,
I relate so much to your words. Putting them on paper is a step that took me years to get to. I agree with Kimberly, that "I will never be the same person as before." But to that I am ok. I can see better now, how the conflict and dishonesty that people portray at times are triggers for me. I am also coming to grips that I don't need to justify or constantly explain to others my triggers or define them to people who are clueless to the effects of trauma. Connecting to people who knew me as me before the trauma (or who knew me without trauma) was the biggest step to finding peace for me. I was able to leave people from the trauma and define my peace.

Cindy

4/9/2012 01:23:59 pm

I hope I can get to this stage someday soon. I've alienated nearly all of my friends, no longer talk on the phone, keep pushing everyone away. It's just easier to deal with it alone, not have to try to trust anyone........yet I hate feeling alone. Makes no sense.

4/9/2012 01:31:32 pm

Cindy,
We tell ourselves it's easier to deal with alone. We know it's not true. In your heart, you know it's not true. That's why the sentiment doesn't make any sense to you. It never made any sense to me either. All I know is the fact that you are reaching out, even online, is a good sign. Give yourself a little more credit. One day at a time. The internet is a strange bedfellow, but it talking to strangers is safer right now than trusting the people you know, go with it. Everyone has to start somewhere.

4/9/2012 04:18:34 pm

Very true! This is the first place I can talk "anonymously." It also helps hearing everyone's stories, and identifying with them. All this time I thought I was completely crazy. Thank you.

4/9/2012 04:21:29 pm

Cindy,

I am so glad that the community here can help. Listen away!!

Living with PTSD:
Every Day is a New Day