After this past year of letting the PTSD run my life, I have a really big problem: I can't figure out what is my PTSD and what is me. When I have a strong emotional response, is it me or the PTSD? When I have difficulty sleeping, is it me or the PTSD? So now, not only do I have to retrain my brain not to fear the PTSD, I also have to examine my feelings and whether I have habitualized this fear and let my PTSD take control of my emotions.
So what does this mean for me? It means every time I have a strong emotional reaction, I have to clamp down on it. I have to take a step back from myself and ask: Is this ME or the PTSD. More often than not, it's the PTSD and that scares the shit out of me. I had let the PTSD take so much control over what I felt that I had lost my identity to it.
When I realized this, I got really concerned. If I have grown accustomed to acting this way, being my PTSD, how do I know who I am anymore? Talk about the worst kind of identity crisis. So I decided today that I am going to reach out to one of my friends that I alienated: One of my friends that has a clear idea of who I used to be before all of this started. Maybe he can find it in his heart to help me get back to where I was and to rediscover who I was. If there is one thing I know for certain, this person knows who I am and would kick the PTSD in the nuts for fucking up our friendship.
Well, I guess we shall see. I have my work cut out for me. I need to learn how to be me again. Not an easy task. My doc said I am performing self-imposed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. OK. I guess I am. I am trying to be aware of how my PTSD interacts with the core of who I am so that I can separate them. That sounds more like Metaphysical Id Therapy to me...
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.