Is That Me or the PTSD?

After this past year of letting the PTSD run my life, I have a really big problem:  I can't figure out what is my PTSD and what is me.  When I have a strong emotional response, is it me or the PTSD?  When I have difficulty sleeping, is it me or the PTSD?  So now, not only do I have to retrain my brain not to fear the PTSD, I also have to examine my feelings and whether I have habitualized this fear and let my PTSD take control of my emotions.

So what does this mean for me?  It means every time I have a strong emotional reaction, I have to clamp down on it.  I have to take a step back from myself and ask:  Is this ME or the PTSD.  More often than not, it's the PTSD and that scares the shit out of me.  I had let the PTSD take so much control over what I felt that I had lost my identity to it.

When I realized this, I got really concerned.  If I have grown accustomed to acting this way, being my PTSD, how do I know who I am anymore?  Talk about the worst kind of identity crisis.  So I decided today that I am going to reach out to one of my friends that I alienated:  One of my friends that has a clear idea of who I used to be before all of this started.  Maybe he can find it in his heart to help me get back to where I was and to rediscover who I was.  If there is one thing I know for certain, this person knows who I am and would kick the PTSD in the nuts for fucking up our friendship.

Well, I guess we shall see.  I have my work cut out for me.  I need to learn how to be me again.  Not an easy task.  My doc said I am performing self-imposed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  OK.  I guess I am.  I am trying to be aware of how my PTSD interacts with the core of who I am so that I can separate them.  That sounds more like Metaphysical Id Therapy to me...