After this past year of letting the PTSD run my life, I have a really big problem: I can't figure out what is my PTSD and what is me. When I have a strong emotional response, is it me or the PTSD? When I have difficulty sleeping, is it me or the PTSD? So now, not only do I have to retrain my brain not to fear the PTSD, I also have to examine my feelings and whether I have habitualized this fear and let my PTSD take control of my emotions.
So what does this mean for me? It means every time I have a strong emotional reaction, I have to clamp down on it. I have to take a step back from myself and ask: Is this ME or the PTSD. More often than not, it's the PTSD and that scares the shit out of me. I had let the PTSD take so much control over what I felt that I had lost my identity to it. When I realized this, I got really concerned. If I have grown accustomed to acting this way, being my PTSD, how do I know who I am anymore? Talk about the worst kind of identity crisis. So I decided today that I am going to reach out to one of my friends that I alienated: One of my friends that has a clear idea of who I used to be before all of this started. Maybe he can find it in his heart to help me get back to where I was and to rediscover who I was. If there is one thing I know for certain, this person knows who I am and would kick the PTSD in the nuts for fucking up our friendship. Well, I guess we shall see. I have my work cut out for me. I need to learn how to be me again. Not an easy task. My doc said I am performing self-imposed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. OK. I guess I am. I am trying to be aware of how my PTSD interacts with the core of who I am so that I can separate them. That sounds more like Metaphysical Id Therapy to me...
8 Comments
Kimberly
4/7/2012 02:05:24 am
You have taken some very important first steps. Way to go!!! And making a plan on your own?? I applaud your strength! You may never be "who you used to be", but you can be "who you want to be". Always keep your doctor briefed on what you are doing to make sure you stay on the right path.
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Jill
4/7/2012 04:44:30 am
Max,
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4/7/2012 11:36:37 am
Thanks for the kind remarks Kimberly. I will do whatever I have to in order to get my head right. I am sick and tired of being defined by having PTSD. It's sometimes gut wrenching but even a small shuffle forward or standing still is better than moving backward.
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Deb
4/8/2012 04:22:57 am
Max,
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Cindy
4/9/2012 01:23:59 pm
I hope I can get to this stage someday soon. I've alienated nearly all of my friends, no longer talk on the phone, keep pushing everyone away. It's just easier to deal with it alone, not have to try to trust anyone........yet I hate feeling alone. Makes no sense.
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4/9/2012 01:31:32 pm
Cindy,
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Cindy
4/9/2012 04:18:34 pm
Very true! This is the first place I can talk "anonymously." It also helps hearing everyone's stories, and identifying with them. All this time I thought I was completely crazy. Thank you. 4/9/2012 04:21:29 pm
Cindy,
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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