I have written and erased this post more times than I can count in the past week. It was a tumultuous week for me. I was talking with my therapist about the timing of when I felt I started losing control over my anger and about the thought pattern - I don't know what's coming next, but whatever it is can't be good. After thinking about it, I started to lose control and emotionally withdraw right after my daughter was born. I said it so nonchalantly. We concluded our session and my therapist left.
About ten minutes after she left, it hit my like a ton of bricks. Holy shit, my daughter's birth is the root of all of this. As I thought about it more, I realized that this was the first time in my experience that intense POSITIVE EMOTION triggered my PTSD. That realization turned everything on it's head. So let's explore what I mean in more depth:
Finally realizing this has given me some element of power over it and control over my fears. It has been and exhausting journey, but I am hopeful that things will improve as I move forward. It's hard to cope with fears when you aren't aware of what they are. For the first time, I feel like I have a little better control over my anger again. Here's to hoping that things continue to get better. To My Wonderful Daughter Caley: When you are older and you discover this blog, I want you to know I love you more than words could ever hope to express. Don't ever, even for a second, think that this was your fault. Know that it is the intensity of my feelings for you that make this healing possible. I love you widget, don't ever forget it.
Jackson
11/16/2012 06:43:46 pm
I realized this myself about a year ago with my daughter. Weird as this sounds, for me it began when she started to talk. My wife and I could understand her but not everyone else could. When she was at daycare I would get insane being worried about things like "what if she gets thirsty and needs water and no one gives it to her" which was a common one...it is completely related to the first of multiple events that contribute to my PTSD. Now as she has gotten older and talks real well it is other things. Sometimes it is harder to notice what I am doing, and I know it drives my wife nuts sometimes because she will tell me to stop being so obsessed about certain things. To me though I realize that I view the world as profoundly unsafe and the idea that I can not protect her all the time is hard for me at times. It can be very challenging to find the healthy balance for her in the midst of all my crazy stuff. In fact with my therapist tonight something came up that he is wanting to bring back around to my PTSD next week and in ways it is related to this. There is a weird sense of reassurance to know I am not alone, despite not wanting others to suffer like I do? Anyway appreciate this post. 11/16/2012 11:49:19 pm
Jackson, thanks for writing. I figured I couldn't be the only one who had been affected in this way. Thank you for sharing how this affected you. It also gives me some things to think about in the future. At least we can say 'it's not just me'. Thanks again for writing! 1/8/2013 07:11:03 pm
Well this is very attractive post Individual Therapy: The World Turned On Its Head indeed.Would like to read a small more of this. Brilent post. gratitude for the heads-up...This blog post was very educational and well-informed. Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
October 2018
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