Individual Therapy: The World Turned On Its Head

I have written and erased this post more times than I can count in the past week.  It was a tumultuous week for me.  I was talking with my therapist about the timing of when I felt I started losing control over my anger and about the thought pattern - I don't know what's coming next, but whatever it is can't be good.  After thinking about it, I started to lose control and emotionally withdraw right after my daughter was born.  I said it so nonchalantly. We concluded our session and my therapist left.

About ten minutes after she left, it hit my like a ton of bricks.  Holy shit, my daughter's birth is the root of all of this.  As I thought about it more, I realized that this was the first time in my experience that intense POSITIVE EMOTION triggered my PTSD.  That realization turned everything on it's head.  So let's explore what I mean in more depth:

• The moment I held my daughter for the first time, I was filled with unbridled joy, love and devotion - my daughter was everything I ever dreamed she would be.  Beautiful, healthy...I sat there staring at her in wonder.
• Then an insidious thought sneaked in:  If Anything Ever Happened To Her...
• Raising a child is an exercise in uncertainty.  Every devoted parent I have ever known has had that thought cross their mind and they expressed a healthy fear of anything happening to their child.  With the PTSD in the mix, I went down a different road.
• I obsessed.  I was certain that something horrible was going to happen to my perfect little bundle of everything good in life.  So I obsessed and brooded over every possible scenario:  Not being able to afford a stable income led to workaholism.  Fear of my PTSD being triggered and lashing out at my daughter led to withdrawing emotionally from interaction with her and my wife.
• Everything started to unravel at the seams.  All because of the intensity of the positive emotions I feel for my daughter.

Finally realizing this has given me some element of power over it and control over my fears.  It has been and exhausting journey, but I am hopeful that things will improve as I move forward.  It's hard to cope with fears when you aren't aware of what they are.  For the first time, I feel like I have a little better control over my anger again.  Here's to hoping that things continue to get better.

To My Wonderful Daughter Caley:  When you are older and you discover this blog, I want you to know I love you more than words could ever hope to express.  Don't ever, even for a second, think that this was your fault.  Know that it is the intensity of my feelings for you that make this healing possible.  I love you widget, don't ever forget it.