So today was the first individual therapy session with the clinician from Soldiers Project. It laid the groundwork for what I am hopeful will be a very productive long-term therapy relationship. It has been a long road and the past few years have been particularly tough to cope with. That being said, I have written often about knowing a lot of the underlying issues I needed to work through - I just didn't know how or where to start.
Well, I found out today that I am going to have a very long road ahead of me as well. All things being equal, my blog eventually circles back around to the fact that I am angry. Not just angry...ANGRY. When I feel that anger, I can feel the impulse control starting to slip away from me. That lack of control causes me to clamp down on my anger so hard that I box it up and put it away. Not a healthy way to deal with anger at all.
Well, we talked about this for a long time and what it comes down to is this:
Everything I Fell Stems From My Anger Issues
How about them apples? She saw right through a lot of barriers I have put up to protect myself and others from my anger and got to the heart of it...and fast. She asked if I thought that needing to clamp down on the anger all of the time is what was exhausting me and draining me of energy. *smacks forehead* How the hell did I miss that one? That makes perfect sense. It is also why going to work every day is so draining for me - shit at work always finds a way to trigger me, fair or not.
Ok, so underlying cause identified: Anger. Anger so profound it doesn't need a target. I wake up angry, am angry all day long, and go to bed angry. Angry at what? Nothing in particular. It's like having a pressure in the back of your head that won't go away. It's always there.
So what the hell do I do now? Not a clue. The clinician wants to make a safety plan in place to ensure everyone's well-being in case my ability to cope goes south. We're going to go over that next week.
All in all, a very draining session - but a good one. It's nice to feel like I am headed somewhere with this. Guess time will tell.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.