So today was the first individual therapy session with the clinician from Soldiers Project. It laid the groundwork for what I am hopeful will be a very productive long-term therapy relationship. It has been a long road and the past few years have been particularly tough to cope with. That being said, I have written often about knowing a lot of the underlying issues I needed to work through - I just didn't know how or where to start.
Well, I found out today that I am going to have a very long road ahead of me as well. All things being equal, my blog eventually circles back around to the fact that I am angry. Not just angry...ANGRY. When I feel that anger, I can feel the impulse control starting to slip away from me. That lack of control causes me to clamp down on my anger so hard that I box it up and put it away. Not a healthy way to deal with anger at all. Well, we talked about this for a long time and what it comes down to is this: Everything I Fell Stems From My Anger Issues How about them apples? She saw right through a lot of barriers I have put up to protect myself and others from my anger and got to the heart of it...and fast. She asked if I thought that needing to clamp down on the anger all of the time is what was exhausting me and draining me of energy. *smacks forehead* How the hell did I miss that one? That makes perfect sense. It is also why going to work every day is so draining for me - shit at work always finds a way to trigger me, fair or not. Ok, so underlying cause identified: Anger. Anger so profound it doesn't need a target. I wake up angry, am angry all day long, and go to bed angry. Angry at what? Nothing in particular. It's like having a pressure in the back of your head that won't go away. It's always there. So what the hell do I do now? Not a clue. The clinician wants to make a safety plan in place to ensure everyone's well-being in case my ability to cope goes south. We're going to go over that next week. All in all, a very draining session - but a good one. It's nice to feel like I am headed somewhere with this. Guess time will tell.
Mary
10/24/2012 03:35:26 pm
I commend you. A hero across the waters, and a hero to many of your own as you wake up each day and decide to put one foot in front of the other seeking help to overcome the battles, heal, share, stumble at times, and get back up again and again :).
Max Harris
10/24/2012 04:42:34 pm
Mary, Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
October 2018
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