Individual Therapy: An Upsetting Realization

5/3/2013

This past Wednesday, I had my weekly meeting with my individual therapist and she expressed some concern about how black and white I was. She didn't express concern with the way I was black and white in the fiasco that was my last group session. She asked me if I was this black and white about most things in life in general. I said I was. She asked me if that bothered me and I said that it didn't really. Then she went on to give me scenarios: work, social gatherings, making friends, working with others in my non-profit. What happens in those situations when someone violates some aspect of my code?

My response? I rationalized it all away. The upsetting part is that I didn't realize that's what I had done until after the fact. It hit me later that night and ran me over like a train when I had time to think through it more fully. The inability to see and accept shades of grey is what has held me back at work and from making friends.

At Work: I voluntarily stepped down from a management position because I was too stressed out all of the time and was having difficulty handling my anger when people did little thinks that would trigger the massive overreaction that would ensue. Most of the time, I didn't show the overreaction and that's what made me so stressed and so exhausted all of the time. Up until this moment, I didn't realize that it wasn't the job that was stressing me out - I was my PTSD getting triggered. How about them apples?

Friendship: I haven't been able to make any friends for a while. Every time I make one, they do something that violates some minor aspect of my 'code' and I refuse to bend because 'I don't operate that way'. I have alienated almost all of the people I considered friends not solely because of what they did, but also because they violated my personal code which I have been treating as inviolable. The end result? I write them off and cease all contact because 'I don't need their shit'.

The End Result: Through unwitting actions I have taken, I have succeeded in halting my career progression and alleviated myself of friendships that should have been long-standing ones. Way to go me. The worst part is what it has done to my self-esteem and estimation of my self-worth. I feel like a pariah. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. I feel worthless.

The Solution?: Hell if I know, but at least I have made that realization and have somewhere to start from and something to work on. If this is what many of us go through in professional settings and in friendships, no wonder we have a tendency to live very isolated lives. Well, at least I know what I am going to be working on with my therapist over the coming weeks and months. I can't let this stand. Having success in starting my non-profit has only made me realize that I need more than an hourly wage at work. I need to live up to my level or experience and knowledge and work to put myself in a position to affect real progress in my professional life. Having started the non-profit also made me realize that, other than my wife and my parents, I have no one to share my passion with - no one to celebrate with. I'm tired of feeling lonely. Maybe it's time I go find a wading pool...

zach link

5/3/2013 05:17:19 pm

Yup i have recently figured that much out as well. I can not figure out a solution though.

Max Harris link

5/4/2013 08:56:04 am

Well, any insight I may gain I will write about on my blog, so hopefully, we learn something together!

StayAtHomeVet

5/3/2013 05:25:37 pm

I Understand as much as I can for all our diagnose is the same our situations defer. I find it difficult to see things as other than black or white, all in or all out. I haven't worked since 2009 because I am too unstable holding others and myself to impossible standards that I broke all the way down.

I have put myself into a situation where I am "all out" and shut away so i am not in a position to judge or to be judged, not have to rely on others or be relied upon. I rarely communicate with family outside of my home, I have 0 friends and almost as many acquaintances.

I shut myself away not only because I don't feel they can fulfill my expectations of them but I no longer feel I can be the kind of person who can fulfill theirs. I don't want to be reliable, to save the day, to have the answers. I'm not that guy anymore and I don't have the willpower to try.

Being asked to a family event, invited out for a beer, having to just talk to someone on the phone makes me shutdown and turn away.

I DONT want to be alone but taking the steps to rectify the situation makes me cringe. I don't want to face anyone when I loose my temper or cancel plans or sit by myself outside. I don't want to give them an explanation or apology, I wish for true understanding but have come to learn it doesn't exist just more judgement and more me feeling like I have let others and myself down.

I don't have any answers' I have replaced nonstop anger with nonstop tiredness and more confusion the further down the spiral I am lead in therapy. I am told that at some point I will come out the other side so I just keep showing up because if I don't then I am afraid I will have given up completely.

I guess what I wanted to share are the few things I feel certain about.
1) just because I have PTSD doesn't mean I have an excuse or its ok for me to act like an ass to others or break things (including myself) I still have to be ACCOUNTABLE no matter how difficult or shameful it can be.

2) I can always strive to be better even it means I am just showing up to my appt.

3) It is my full time job and sole mission in my life to to commit to towards being a better person for the benefit of my daughter. PTSD can never be an excuse when it comes to her.

I have a difficult time tying thoughts together sometimes but I am pulling for your recovery and remember that you are ALWAYS worth the effort

5/4/2013 09:00:14 am

StayAtHomeVet,
I have thought through very many of the same fears and issues that you have and am still struggling with many of them. That's a two way street, brother. You are always worth it too. I know it is beyond hard to open yourself up to others because they have taught you that they will judge you first and ask questions later. Won't quit working toward being the father I want to be either. I have a two year old daughter who thinks her daddy walks on water and I strive every day to be the daddy she can love.

Natalie link

5/4/2013 04:08:27 am

Before the war, did you take the same black/white perspective? Is it a combat reaction, a soldier reaction or just the military culture? I only ask because I have two sons in the Navy and I try to prepare myself for when they are eventually discharged.

5/4/2013 09:05:49 am

Natalie,
It is a direct result of my PTSD. When being confronted by things that so egregiously violate your moral upbringing as murder, rape, and worse, rather than letting that morality crumble around you, you cling to it for all you're worth. It leads to everything you are confronted by being seen through a dichromatic lense: Right or wrong. If if falls in a shade of grey, it's wrong. It also leads to issues with anger as well.

K. Dault link

5/4/2013 09:22:24 am

I wonder if much of what you describe stems from the military itself...their outlook on work ethic, as it were.

I worked as a Dispatcher for the State Police for 5 years and they too view the world in Black and White. It's a form of instant survival mode: a preemptive cause and effect way of perceiving a situation in order to place themselves ahead of the outcome. The Troopers use to tease me about seeing "shades of gray"...because I could at least see both sides of an argument, even though morally I sided with right/legal. To them you were Right or Wrong. Period. Hesitancy and mental debate only got you hurt, or worse.

I have to wonder if the military doesn't ingrain that in soldiers: you HAVE to make a decision in the blink of an eye, almost reflexively, as failure to do so could have negative results. But that "ability" is not something you can switch off light a light.

It's hard to bend when you feel like you might break. But allowing yourself another inch might put you that much closer to what you're trying to accomplish. The people who count in your life will see that you're worth that wait...people who have no patience, generally have no patience with ANY of us. :)

In the dedication to the book I did for our Charity's Board, I had a personally message for our soldiers, which pertains to anyone who has stood up for America on foreign soil.
"Battle scars do not make you broken. You are not replaceable machinery. You are the heartbeat which keeps us free. In case no one has mentioned it lately, 'THANK YOU!'"

Hang in there Veterans...we're out here pulling for you. And some of us would like to be your friend.

Dana link

5/7/2013 08:02:31 am

Max,
In the short term you will have to invest yourself into those you are helping with the non-profit. Otherwise your endeavor will never reach it's potential. Just like in management, "they" are not your friends but you must be friendly. Each one takes a piece of you. You need your own group to throw stuff at and draw "spiritual" strength from or once again, down the toilet. This Army of One concept is bunk or we would not have these conversations. Black and white is OK as long as you recognize your limitations and share that with your friends. What you expect of yourself is not what others expect of themselves and they will always fall short of your goals. Management is easy if you convey the requirement and reinforce what needs to be done in a positive manner. You can remember the best officers and NCO's and there were not many that stood out. Life goes the same way. People need positve reinforcement.
I don't believe we will ever see the bonds made on the battle field duplicated on the civillian scene so it makes little sense to look for it.
I talked to our Corpsman a week ago, and it was just like those forty three years had not passed.
Max, this will all sort itself out. You are on the right track and have come to grips with concepts many of us just started thinking about.
Good job. Some of your answers are already in your writing.

5/7/2013 02:04:44 pm

Dana,

Thank you for your vote of confidence. As I am sure you know, every time you make a realization like this, one of this magnitude, it shakes you down to your foundation. It makes you second guess how much of your personality is the PTSD. I have been making great strides with the non-profit and I have surrounded myself with good people who also happen to be amazing professionals. Thanks for keeping it real.

Natalie Baginski link

5/14/2013 12:57:56 pm

please check out this link and click on "military"

davidlynchfoundation.org

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