PTSD and Apathy

I woke up early today and recognized immediately that I just don't care.  About much of anything.  The apathy is so strong I had to mentally discipline myself to even write a blog post today.  After the fallout that occurred from stopping blogging the last time, I swore to myself that I would never stop again.  The apathy is so strong today that I almost said, "Ahh, screw it.  What's one day?"

Famous last words...that's what started me down the wrong road last time and I won't go down that road again, ever.  The apathy is probably the most insidious part of PTSD - it's the first step in closing yourself off emotionally and it's also the hardest feeling to fight.  It's dangerous and destructive.  I asked my parents to come over this morning so that I could go and work out or go for a walk or something.  I never went.  Yes, there was a lot of stuff I had to clean up from last night that was still in the kitchen.  Yes, it was over a half hour later when I got done cleaning up.  I still had a lot of time to go and exercise.  I couldn't bring myself to do it.

When I realized that I didn't even care about blogging this morning (that followed shortly after I decided not to go and exercise), I caught myself.  I recognized the apathy for what it was.  I talked to my parents and asked them if they wanted to go to the park later today and go for a walk.  I sat down and I started typing.  A lot of times, I don't know what's bothering me until I sit down to type.  Today, I knew...I just don't care.