I woke up early today and recognized immediately that I just don't care. About much of anything. The apathy is so strong I had to mentally discipline myself to even write a blog post today. After the fallout that occurred from stopping blogging the last time, I swore to myself that I would never stop again. The apathy is so strong today that I almost said, "Ahh, screw it. What's one day?"
Famous last words...that's what started me down the wrong road last time and I won't go down that road again, ever. The apathy is probably the most insidious part of PTSD - it's the first step in closing yourself off emotionally and it's also the hardest feeling to fight. It's dangerous and destructive. I asked my parents to come over this morning so that I could go and work out or go for a walk or something. I never went. Yes, there was a lot of stuff I had to clean up from last night that was still in the kitchen. Yes, it was over a half hour later when I got done cleaning up. I still had a lot of time to go and exercise. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
When I realized that I didn't even care about blogging this morning (that followed shortly after I decided not to go and exercise), I caught myself. I recognized the apathy for what it was. I talked to my parents and asked them if they wanted to go to the park later today and go for a walk. I sat down and I started typing. A lot of times, I don't know what's bothering me until I sit down to type. Today, I knew...I just don't care.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.