Has it Really Been this Long? Crossroads

I still can't believe I haven't blogged since last August...

Well, in a way I can.  The divorce was finalized July 30th and it wasn't very long after that my life began to change dramatically.  I don't really know why or how it happened but I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and share anything.

The words just wouldn't come and I was at a loss - because I needed the outlet but just couldn't bring myself to share.  Why was this happening?  Did it mean anything?

After the long hiatus, I think I know what happened:

After everything I had gone through, I needed to step away from everything that I knew so that I could find a way forward for myself.

So here's everything that's happened in the past too many months since I last blogged:

• I worked a LOT
• I spent what time I had with my daughter
• I stopped going to the gym
• I withdrew from everything except my work persona and being a dad
• I stopped caring about my health and smoked even MORE heavily than before
• I stopped being a participant in my own life

And everything felt EMPTY, bereft of meaning, bereft of hope, bereft of happiness - except when I was with my daughter.

and then...

Something started to change in mid-September.  I don't even know why, but I just quit smoking cold turkey on September 15th.  I haven't touched a cigarette since.

By September 30th, I was moved out of the apartment I had been married in and was living in my parents' basement while I looked for a house.

In December, our company was awarded 2015 Emerging Business of the Year and I had been responsible for 700% year over year revenue growth.  As a result of my dedication, I was granted 15% ownership in the company as sweat equity.  I lived for the work I was doing - in total control of my professional destiny.

I moved into a beautiful 1835 sq. foot townhome with my daughter on January 5th.  As I moved in, I started to put all of the stuff back out the way I liked it, reasserting my sense of personality and style.  Things that I didn't realize I had put in a 'box' both literally and figuratively over the last few years of my marriage.

In early February, I joined Title Boxing Club and immediately found my rhythm and routine there, losing 18 pounds and 4 inched off my waistline as of last week.

An then my mom asked me a very simple question:

Are you ever going to blog again?  I don't think you realize how important your blog is to so many.  I know I miss it.  Do you even know why you stopped?

COLD WATER

It made me stop and think.  Why did I stop blogging?  Did I even know when the last time I blogged WAS?  I sat down and I thought about it a lot and I realized something very profound.

I'd been on autopilot, going through the motions and yet...even in my haze of pain and endings, I had somehow found the strength to make new beginnings.

So I'm sitting here and I realized that I am at a crossroads and I've been here before.  I wrote a poem about it:

It is hard to see the good things in life
  when all I have seen has been death and despair.
  Not many have seen It to understand...
  to understand that optimism amounts to naiveté.
  I had forgotten that even if unable to see the source of the light
  A person can still be blinded by its reflection refracting off the surface of his life's dreams shattered.

Reminded of this, to what or to whom does one give allegiance?
  To Love?  It hurts.  To Apathy?  Who cares?

In times like this come the pinches
  when all is forgotten of listless humanity.
  Not many have seen It to understand...
  to understand that violence begets violence and love begets -- Hope?
  I had forgotten that even if unable to make whole a shattered reflection
  A person can decide to look up, take a deep breath, and step into It,
  Submerging self once more to be baptized by Life.

So it's time to make a choice.  I have my daughter, a job I love, a new home, and a fresh start.  What I don't have is connections with other people outside of family and work.  I don't have a social life.  I'm standing here watching my life pass me by like I'm a stick stuck in the mud, wondering why the rising tides of time's passage are making me feel like I'm starting to drown.

It's time to choose - do I fight free so I can float to the surface - OR do I decide to look up, take a deep breath, and step into It, Submerging self once more to be baptized by Life.

Tomorrow will tell.

Sorry it's been so long since the last blog post.  I'm not going to make any promises about where things are going from here.  I'm going to take it a day at a time and see what happens.  Hopefully, you'll join me on this journey.

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