So, if you go back to yesterday's post, you will see that I wanted my wife to push me to exit my comfort zone and confront my anxiety about being outside: Anxiety about my lungs and anxiety about other people being able to see right through me. So...My wife made me go for a walk with my her and my daughter. I didn't even realize that I was doing it, but I was procrastinating on getting my vacuuming done because I didn't want to go outside. When my wife saw through that, I checked the weather on my phone and freaked out when I saw the pollen warnings. My wife studiously ignored me and made me go for a walk. Dani pushed me, whenever I would start to get nervous about being out there, she would push me harder. I hated her for it every step of the way and was grateful she was there for me to hate. The anger took my mind off the anxiety and allowed me to get much needed exercise and sun.
Then this morning came. I woke up early with my wife and waited for my mother to arrive to watch Caley while I went to exercise. What did I do? I stayed home and tried Power 90. I got about 15 minutes into when the anxiety got the best of me. I had to sit on the floor and close my eyes and concentrate on deep measured breaths to keep from having an anxiety attack. I had to sit there for almost a half hour, trying to slow my heart rate and breathing down before I could even try to get up. I feel so pathetic right now. Where is the strong, vibrant, and virile man I used to be?
Well, back to my mantra: "Every Day is a New Day". I am sure my wife will want to go for a walk again this afternoon. Maybe I can go this time without trying to come up with excuses to stay in. Tomorrow morning, the goal is to go longer than I did today. I refuse to get discouraged. Not again.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.