Feeling Dissatisfied with Everything

4/22/2012

i woke up this morning and looked around feeling very dissatisfied. I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired, overweight, man with circles under his eyes in the mirror. I don't even recognize myself. I think about all of the things I am working to improve and I feel like I haven't made any progress at all. My memory is shot...again. I feel like a pall of malaise is settling all too comfortably on my shoulders. I have been living like a hermit except when my wife forces me to leave the apartment. I haven't left by choice in weeks. Yup, I'm depressed again. Woo.

What makes this such a pain to deal with is that I know I am depressed but I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it. I am going to do what I can to fight it off, though. I am going to freshly shave my head and trim my facial hair back into a goatee (I currently look like a mountain man). I am going to have about a billion pots of coffee if that's what it takes to fight off the lethargy.

I want so much for my family but this PTSD and depression keeps on getting in my way. I feel hamstrung. I derive so much satisfaction from being an advocate for veterans with PTSD. I'm on short-term disability right now from my current employer but I don't even know what is going on there because of all of the health issues I have that are still currently up in the air, PTSD being just one of them. I feel like my life is put on hold and I can't make a decision on how to live it until I get some guidance from the VA, from the sleep specialists, from the allergist, and from the pulmonary specialists. I haven't had a cigarette since I was hospitalized in early March, but I want one so badly. Not only am I feeling depressed, I am feeling anxious too. Too much uncertainty and not enough direction. I hate feeling this way. I wish there was a way I could alleviate this feeling without drinking or turning to drugs (neither of which I would EVER do). If there was a viable alternative, I would try it in a heartbeat. But there isn't. So I continue to fight and struggle and shuffle my feet, hoping I'm headed in the right direction.

5 Comments

Brittany

4/22/2012 04:10:24 am

Max,

My husband was hospitalized twice back in 2009 after getting out of the Navy. The one thing they taught him was it is so easy for a person with PTSD to get overwhelmed and depressed about their future because they don't sleep well, they don't have the energy to make things happen, then they get depressed because they can't make the things happen that they want to happen, and it's a vicious cycle.

So instead of looking to the future, plan a few attainable goals each day. You don't have to share your goals with anyone, so they can be as seemingly ridiculous as you want. Take a shower, make lunch, take a walk with the baby. Then with each milestone achieved, you'll build confidence in yourself.

I too suffer from generalized depression (actually headed to the doctor tomorrow to inquire about going back on my meds... sigh...), and I know how easy (and frustrating) it is to seclude yourself to the house, and I know the internal war you have to fight with yourself just to get your smelly tush into the shower. It sucks - so I find it better for myself if I make a short list with goals to accomplish that day. It keeps me focused and mission-oriented if you will. It also helps with time management, which I seem to be struggling with as well.

Are you receiving your VA disability compensation? That was a huge (financial) relief once my husband started floating back and forth between short term disability through his job and being able to work. Even when he was "working" he still didn't always get in all 5 days a week. Once that started becoming a problem with his employer, he filed for Individual Unemployability. But having his initial rating helped tide things over while we waited for the VA.

Max Harris link

4/22/2012 07:40:03 am

Brittany,

Thank you for your kind words. I want so much for myself and my family that I have a tendency to worry about things that are currently outside of my control and it sets me off. I will try what you talked about and set small goals for myself every day. We'll see how it goes. I am sorry to hear that you have to go back on meds, but at least you recognize that and are doing what it best to keep you stable.

As for the disability, I am currently being evaluated for an increase in disability. Even if they only raised my rating 20%, it would give us a lot more freedom to explore options. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Yours in Health,

Max Harris

4/22/2012 01:54:53 pm

Max,

I'm so glad you're being re-evalulated. Most vets don't even know they can appeal their initial decision (like my brother-in-law). My husband is currently waiting for a decision on changing his IU from temporary to Total and Permanent. It was very hard for him as a 31-year old man to accept that he couldn't reliably work anymore, but he knew that we (me and our daughter) needed the Champ VA health insurance, so that motivated him to go through the process again (his third and hopefully last time).

I hope the small goal list helps! It seems like such a simple solution, but it's so easy to overlook the obvious/simple routes when we are feeling down.

Best wishes!
Brittany

Cindy

4/27/2012 05:50:01 am

Where ya been Max? No posts from you lately worries me. Thinking of you and hoping all is well.

4/27/2012 06:01:18 am

Cindy,

No worries. I posted on FB that I was taking three days off. My wife had her birthday, then her grandmother the next day, and then my mother the day after that. Too much going on. I am finalizing today's post. It should be up later today!! Sorry for any confusion!

Living with PTSD:
Every Day is a New Day