Feeling Dissatisfied with Everything

i woke up this morning and looked around feeling very dissatisfied.  I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired, overweight, man with circles under his eyes in the mirror.  I don't even recognize myself.  I think about all of the things I am working to improve and I feel like I haven't made any progress at all.  My memory is shot...again.  I feel like a pall of malaise is settling all too comfortably on my shoulders.  I have been living like a hermit except when my wife forces me to leave the apartment.  I haven't left by choice in weeks.  Yup, I'm depressed again.  Woo.

What makes this such a pain to deal with is that I know I am depressed but I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.  I am going to do what I can to fight it off, though.  I am going to freshly shave my head and trim my facial hair back into a goatee (I currently look like a mountain man).  I am going to have about a billion pots of coffee if that's what it takes to fight off the lethargy.

I want so much for my family but this PTSD and depression keeps on getting in my way.  I feel hamstrung.  I derive so much satisfaction from being an advocate for veterans with PTSD.  I'm on short-term disability right now from my current employer but I don't even know what is going on there because of all of the health issues I have that are still currently up in the air, PTSD being just one of them.  I feel like my life is put on hold and I can't make a decision on how to live it until I get some guidance from the VA, from the sleep specialists, from the allergist, and from the pulmonary specialists.  I haven't had a cigarette since I was hospitalized in early March, but I want one so badly.  Not only am I feeling depressed, I am feeling anxious too.  Too much uncertainty and not enough direction.  I hate feeling this way.  I wish there was a way I could alleviate this feeling without drinking or turning to drugs (neither of which I would EVER do).  If there was a viable alternative, I would try it in a heartbeat.  But there isn't.  So I continue to fight and struggle and shuffle my feet, hoping I'm headed in the right direction.