Depression: The Blindside

6/6/2012

For the past few days, I haven't felt like doing much. About four days ago I had gotten some time of intestinal bug and had been miserable. For the days following I continued to feel fatigued and slept a lot during the day. My wife kept on asking if I felt OK, if I was still sick. I told her that I was just tired, like I couldn't shake the fatigue. I don't know when I realized it was depression. I think it was some time yesterday. I really can't put a finger on the moment I became truly aware. I just know it made me really annoyed with myself.

When I woke up this morning, I realized that even though I was aware of feeling depressed, I didn't seem to be able to shake the feeling. Once again, I had been blindsided by it. I didn't write a blog post yesterday. It wasn't because I didn't have the time. I felt so demotivated. I had a scheduled meeting with a local veterans advocate and I almost didn't get out of bed in time to make it to the meeting. Yeah. That's the kind of day yesterday was. I don't want today to be a repeat of that.

I am so annoyed with myself. How could I not realize it was the depression? I kept the blinds shut in the living room. I sat in the dark and stewed while I watched meaningless crap on Netflix. How many more clues does a guy need? I missed out on opportunities to play with my daughter in the park because I was caught up in my own bullshit. Well, not today. I refuse to let this happen again. I want to see my daughter laugh and play outside. It's such a joy to watch.

*sigh* As I sit here trying to type this, I feel the anxiety building. Anxiety about what, I have no idea. Great. Wonderful. It's like my body is trying to hold me hostage. Not today. Yeah, that's my new mantra. Whenever my PTSD tries to take over my life I am going to say, "NOT TODAY". I just need to stop worrying about what could happen in the future or what already happened in the past. One you can't control and the other is already history. That leaves the one day I can control the outcome of: today. I plan on making the most of it.

Ayleyaell Kinder, CST link

6/8/2012 06:43:33 am

Thank you for your transparency. When I have time, and with your permission, I'd like to post the URL of your blog on my website. In the meanwhile, I'm going to quote from it on my facebook page www.facebook.com/shenworks

Max Harris link

6/8/2012 09:59:05 am

By all means, please use and post what you like! Thank you for your support.

Jackson

7/25/2012 06:53:04 am

I was just reading through your blog, hoping you had written about depression and that I might find some kind of hope in hearing someone else's struggle. I feel like I have been blindsided the last week or two with depression. After a really bad PTSD episode most of this month I got heavily medicated so I could sleep and try to break the cycle, which happened but now I am depresses as hell. I am a "stay at home dad" and a student so I don't really have a reason to leave the house and I feel like I have no purpose some days. I love and adore my wife and daughter and so I would never ever harm myself but I feel like a hopeless and unmotivated blob...not the dad or husband I want to be. I too also have been gaining weight, not a ton but all that I had lost over the winter has come back very quickly and that is depressing. It is hard too because I don't have any community that understands me here in Washington so I feel alone, despite having friends. Anyway though I so appreciate your blog, I tried to blog but it was too much for me right now but I do find yours very helpful.

7/25/2012 04:33:51 pm

Jackson, I am very glad that you find my blogging helpful. I can understand the issues with depression. I have struggled greatly with it since I returned home. I hope you understand how big a step it is to acknowledge that you are struggling. If there is anything I can do, questions I may be able to answer please let me know!

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Living with PTSD:
Every Day is a New Day