Well, I'm back. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to not have my thoughts locked up inside anymore. I have tried for weeks to sit down and blog about my recent challenges and every time I sat down, I couldn't type a single word. I just didn't know where to begin. My head was a jumble. To some degree it still is, but being able to finally get this out in my blog will go a long way. Once I'm done telling you where my head has been, I think you'll understand why it's been such a long few months.
I'd been feeling particularly toxic and had not been able to figure out why. Then, about a week ago, after months of not being able to figure it out, it hit me. I've lost myself. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I don't recognize my behavior, my attitude. I've lost confidence in myself. I never used to care what anyone thought of me but that's all I've cared about in recent months. It was a nasty confluence of events. Here's what's been going on:
Out of control is an understatement. Even taking injections for the psoriasis wasn't keeping it fully in check. It spread all over my face and scalp. If I grew facial hair or let my hair on my head grow out, it got worse. If I shaved to often, it got worse AND looked really irritated and splotchy. People started looking at me with disgust, like I had dry flaky skin because I have poor hygiene. Ugh. The one thing I didn't take into consideration is how pent up stress exacerbates the psoriasis. As the toxins in my body build up, they look for a way out. What I couldn't fathom was why the toxins were building up so quickly and continually. After talking about this with my wife, we came to the understanding that my psoriasis was really bad because I'd been holding my emotions in - unintentionally. It was my medication.
The VA Medication Quick Fix:
When I went to the VA with PTSD, they immediately put me on mood stabilizers and a whole bunch of other meds for insomnia, anxiety, jitters. The problem is that all of the meds they prescribe keep people from being able to feel and express the full spectrum of their feelings. I have been frustrated as all hell with the continual cycle I have gone through for the last decade - the ups and downs and outs. I've never been afforded the opportunity to truly examine what I am feeling because I the drugs prevent and/or mask the truth of my emotional experience. When you can't fully express how you feel because medication prevents it from being externalized, where else does it have to go? It goes deeply internal and toxifies the whole body. As this toxicity progresses, these emotional problems start manifesting themselves as physical health issues. Let's see here: Exacerbated Psoriasis Sypmtoms. Check. Worsening Insomnia. Check. Compromised Immune System. Check. Lethargy. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.
You getting the idea?
I've been married for over seven years. My wife recently explained to me that the man she fell in love with has been MIA for quite a while. The fell in love with a man who was supremely confident in himself and his abilities. On top of that, he couldn't care less what others thought of him. My wife found this confidence and self-assurance extremely attractive. Then things started to go sideways. The economy tanked in 2007 and I couldn't find a job after graduating from college. The jobs I could find were crap service jobs making shit money with no room for true advancement. Things got really rough financially for my wife and I. And so on and so on. It was like one gut blow after another. I started to doubt myself. I started to wonder if I had been deluding myself all of those years. It just kept on getting worse and worse. Every new venture or idea I have had in recent years has been met with delay and disappointment. Even starting the non-profit has been a non-starter. The application process and wait time for tax exempt status is so long, I won't be able to raise funds until 2015 - IF - IF I'm lucky. Anything else?
Needless to say, realizing all of this over the past few months has been more than just a little distressing for me. That's some pretty profound stuff to digest. So, that's where I'll leave it for today. I'll explain what I plan on doing to rediscover myself in the coming blog posts.
Again, I am so sorry for the hiatus. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season!
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.