Catastrophic Thinking is usually something that usually doesn't affect me too badly because I recognize it for what it is and adjust how I am thinking about a problem. I think that my coping skill were a little compromised after the long few weeks we had and I got caught off guard.
Something minor happened at work and my mind blows the whole 'molehill' out of proportion. Next thing I know, I am stressing about potentially losing my job and what the loss of stability would do to our family. The stress doesn't let up until I have the opportunity to talk to my manager and he assures me that I have nothing to worry about.
I am so relieved that the physical manifestation of my stress is alleviated so quickly I get a migraine and they have to send me home from work. I was not in any shape to drive and Dani was out of town visiting her parents. I had to call my folks and ask them to come get me.
Long story short, I blew it. I should have known that I was overreacting but I didn't catch on in time and the obsessiveness that it Catastrophic Thinking took hold and made my life hell for almost five days. So everything was calming down and something minor and simple at work creates this kind of havoc. Go figure. I keep on fooling myself into thinking that I can let my guard down for a minute. Invariably, that's when something will slip past my defenses and trigger a bad PTSD reaction.
Yesterday went really well. We've established that. Here's what ended up happening to end the day. The problem was twofold:
1) I didn't want the day to end, because it had gone so well.
2) I hunkered down in my 'PTSD Fallout Shelter' and played Xbox 360 and waited...
The end result is that I didn't go to bed until much later than I normally do and now I am exhausted. My wife was relatively annoyed with me last night because I was in a good mood and didn't want to have much to do with her or our daughter. How do you explain to someone that you are afraid that the other shoe's going to drop and you don't want them to see it when it happens?
OK, so maybe yesterday wasn't as good of a day as I thought. Everything was going well and then I started to catastrophically think about what was going to happen and it spun me up and made it hard for me to be around my family. Wonderful. It's never been quite like that before. Yet another facet to my PTSD I could have done without...
I have been over-thinking things that are going on around me too much over the past few days and I didn't realize that I was doing it until I started getting annoyed at 'my situation'. I didn't even realize I was in a situation. I took a step back and I thought about it and recognized that it was the PTSD talking. The thing that grates on my nerves is the fact that I didn't realize I was going into that paranoid spiral. How the hell can you not realize it? GAH! So now I am beating myself up over the fact that I didn't see it and am getting wrapped up in my head again. I can't afford to let this happen. Yet another issue that I have to figure out the trigger for and learn how to cope with. yay.
I would wager I am not the only person who feels like Mr. Hyde is lurking in the shadows. He hasn't made an appearance in a long time. That's what makes me nervous. I guess I am fatalistic. I don't trust myself. I am worried that he's going to come out at the most inopportune time. I can't afford that. I need to rethink my approach to dealing with it. I just don't know how to keep him hidden if someone really pisses me off to the point that I go from yelling to quiet. It's when I get quiet that I really worry. I have gotten that pissed off once in the past year. I got quiet and calm...that's how furious I was. I went into combat mode and compartmentalized everything. I can be vicious and cold and crass when I get into this mode. I don't know how I didn't snap at anyone this time around. Is this how it's going to be? Is it like Russian Roulette?
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.