I have come to the realization lately that my emotions have been all over the place. I haven't had this much unpredictability since I went back on meds. I think it's because of the birth of my daughter. There is so much more emotion in a normal day and a lot more responsibility. I love it, but I think it is adversely affecting my emotional stability because of how strong the feelings have been. Obviously, I would never trade my daughter for anything, so I think it's time to talk to my doc about upping the daily dosage of my mood stabilizer. I guess we'll see.
I am actually looking forward to the challenge this time around. I need to ask my manager if it's OK to chew gum if it helps with the cravings. I know that the uniform policy says gum is a no no, but what can it hurt to ask?
Well, I found out today that my daughter, Caley, is starting to go through separation anxiety when mommy is out of earshot and line of sight. My wife was taking a shower and Caley was crying so hard a stranger might have thought I was hurting her. It destroyed my emotional stability completely. Of course, Caley could sense that I was very upset and she cried even harder. Anyone have any ideas of how to cope with this? It's going to be a long few months if I can't find I way to overcome this. I am emotionally drained after just a few days of this.
I stayed up really late. I think it's because I couldn't shut my brain down after work. I want to make sure that all of my ducks are in a row going into this job posting process I have just entered. It will be interesting to see where things go, but I really hope it doesn't interfere with my sleep again. I kept on thinking about all of the things that could go wrong and obsessing about how I could fix any problems.
I have been making some big changes to the website. I wasn't satisfied with the way the site reached out to its intended audience. Let me know what you think of the (as of yet unfinished) new layout. I would appreciate feedback from anyone willing to offer it.
I had one of those really good days today where I almost felt normal...It was amazing. One of my buddies asked me to be a part of a new project that he is working on that will hopefully send a message of hope to those who need to hear it. I am honored that he asked me and look forward to working with him to make his vision a reality.
After all of the craziness that was the holidays and my baby girl being born, I needed to get back into the fold. I missed two appointments. I completely forgot about them because my entire world revolved around my daughter and the holidays at Wegmans. I'm glad that I didn't 'forget' to make up for those appointments. I have been doing so well. The last thing I want is to regress.
It's hard to maintain objectivity when I am writing about this. I hope the message that I am conveying is one of hope. I look for reasons to stay positive every day. Most days I can and some days I can't. I promise I will be honest about how I am feeling, even on the bad days. I may be successfully coping today, but painting a permanently rosy picture isn't in my agenda. My goal is for people to see and understand the effects that PTSD can have on a person.
My deadline for quitting smoking is a week away. I know I can be successful this time. There are a ton of doubters out there. This message is for you: watch me!
One of the major aspects of PTSD that is the hardest to deal with is the catastrophic thinking that makes me focus on the worst possible outcome in any given situation. I have been struggling mightily with this for the past week or so. What's my response to this type of obsessing? To go down into my man-cave and hide from everything and play video games...
Well, I took a step in the right direction tonight. Even though I am having these intrusive worries that won't go away, I resisted the urge to go downstairs. It is a testament to my decision to blog about this. I wanted to write about it rather than wallow in it. I find that sharing what I am going through is cathartic.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.