I had all of my anger issues back under control and one person makes one comment and all of that hard work goes right out the window. It's amazing how quickly that can happen. At least this time, I recognized it faster and was able to get it under control before anyone noticed that I was acting differently. The hardest part is not getting frustrated. When you put so much work into getting something like this under control, it can really piss you off that a little inane comment can undo all of the work you have put in - then you are angry at the person that made you angry and you are REALLY pissed that you let it break down all of your barriers. Unfortunately, people don't differentiate what you are angry about - they just know you are angry.
I have been stressing out over hypothetical outcomes to certain issues in my life over the past month or so. I finally got some good news today and one of those stressors is gone. When I found out, I let out the biggest sigh of relief you have ever heard. For the rest of the day, I was concerned that I was manic...I was walking on air and I haven't felt that way in a really long time.
I seemed to have worked through a lot of what was bothering me over the past few weeks. I actually went into work feeling refreshed and ready to face the day for the first time in over two weeks. The circle of people that I trust has grown a little bit and that gives me hope. The compassion that my manager showed me really helped a lot and she gave me some good tips. We'll see where things go from here! Gotta love the good days!!!
When I first got home, I had major issues with other people's incompetence. It angered me greatly because overseas, incompetence got people killed. I eventually learned how to better direct this energy and use it to positively affect my day. I seem to have unlearned how to do that. Any perceived incompetence on the part of anyone causes and instant, knee-jerk anger reaction that I have been able to catch before I blow a gasket. I just don't know why this has happened. I am going to have to relearn how to positively channel this anger so that I can remain free of the poisonous anger I used to feel. I always like a good challenge, but this is one I could most definitely do without.
I met with my manager today and discussed some of the issues that I have been having. It was a really good conversation and it helped to set my mind at ease. She let me know that my concerns are valid but my reaction to those concerns is a little out of proportion. She noticed that my PTSD seems to go in 3-4 month cycles where things build up and I get edgy for a few weeks until I work through it. It was a very astute observation on her part. It also makes me realize that I have had much less of a poker face than I had thought. Some managers may have been threatened by my behavior and by my blunt observations. It is a credit to her that she took it all in stride. I am thankful every day for Wegmans. I really am.
I have been really stressed out lately. With my anger issues and stress at work and stress at home, I have been continually wearing my body down for weeks. It caught up with me today. I got part of the way through my shift at work and I had to go home. They say that stress breaks down your immune system: It has to be true because it is the only time that I EVER get sick. I got home and slept for four hours. I was a mess. It has really motivated me to get a handle on things. I am going to be looking into therapy sessions with a non-VA doctor so that I can get more consistent treatment. I know that the folks at the VA are really overwhelmed right now. I have insurance. Most guys don't. It just makes sense that I do what I can to help myself and other vets by using my insurance to get the help I need.
I got angry at my wife and there was no reason for me to be angry. What the heck is up with this ridiculous anger? I have been thinking about it off and on all day and the only thing I can think of is that I feel powerless to change the things that I see that need fixing at work. I guess I should talk to my manager about how I am feeling and explain why it is bothering me so much. I have confidence that she will listen and work with me to help me resolve the anger issues that have been bubbling up lately. I think that I am ready for a change and I hope that it comes sooner rather than later. I have learned a ton, but I need a new challenge. I just have to think out ahead of time what I am going to say and how so that the issues I want to address don't get clouded or misinterpreted by anger coming through when it shouldn't. I am going to talk to my wife and see if she has anything that can help me find my center.
I got really angry at work today over something that I shouldn't have. I realized it and was able to calm my head down so that I could think clearly. I came up with an action plan to address what was angering me and will discuss it tomorrow with the appropriate people. I realized that the 'something' that was angering me was reminding me of the decisions made over in Iraq that were not well thought out...I don't like that feeling.
I woke up still angry and got home from work...still angry. I wish I knew the hell why. I am getting a little frustrated that I can't figure it out and that is definitely not helping things at all. This is the first time in quite a while where my fuse has been this short and my temper this volatile. I have been working really hard to control it which only makes me more tired and more irritable - it's a never ending cycle. I am glad that my meeting with the VA docs is coming up soon. I really think I need to adjust my meds. They aren't stabilizing me as well as they had been.
Johnny just wrote me this:
I have received benefits for PTSD over 20 years. I worked for many years ( to age 49).Time does catch up with you, as you age fast with the sleepless nights of fear. I can tell all to hang in there a face the illness - talk to a doctor- take your meds. What helps me is to use salt water as mouth wash at bed time, use vicks in your nose to control smells, read something funny before bed and Never read or watch war story/ movie. This helps me- you may find something to help you. Remember it's your illness. Fight it - Figth for your life! Never give up!
I will NEVER give in. I will fight for myself and my family. I actually use Eucalyptus Oil at work to control smells. I don't watch current conflict war movies and I try to alleviate the day's stress before I lay down so that I can get a better quality sleep. Thanks for sharing and welcome to the website!
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.