 As you may be aware, things have been going really well for me in recent months - new job, balanced work/personal lives, personal fulfillment, and more. I went into Memorial Day weekend and I was as happy as I can remember being in years.
Imagine my surprise when I woke up on Sunday that weekend and I felt like weeping. I weight of my sadness and my guilt for feeling happy was oppressive. It was unbearable. I had resolved, before the weekend started, to honor the memories of those that gave their lives in service by spending quality time with my family. How I felt on Sunday was a kick in the nuts. I couldn't even enjoy the company of my wife and my daughter I was so morose. The following few weeks have been hard. Despite the fact that my duties at work have been incredibly fulfilling, I have not been motivated to do much of anything else and have had a lot of trouble sleeping. Talk about feeling exceedingly frustrated. Even when things were going right, what happened over in Iraq stole some of that happiness from me. Unbelievable. I've thought a lot about this over the past few days, trying to figure out why the guilt is persisting. It wasn't until earlier today that I finally made a breakthrough. After recovering from the burnout that was working in retail, I had taken a break from blogging and from advancing the cause of my non-profit. What I discovered was disconcerting - I was fearful of burning myself out again and had been unintentionally shying away from responding to emails, communicating with my board of directors, and even from blogging. I should have known better. Working to help veterans had become a central tenant of my ability to cope with my PTSD. I also now know that my new job will not overwork me or keep me from being able to administer my non-profit. So here goes. I am going to start blogging again at least twice per week and am going to start moving the non-profit forward again, despite the government tax-exempt status backlog. So here's to another fresh start. I hope I can finally find the right balance and stay true to myself.
Ashley
8/12/2014 06:59:02 am
Hi Max, thank you for your blog. The forthrightness, honesty and emotion and education. I just found this yesterday and you have already helped me tremendously. About 4 months ago I started dating an incredible man. An Army Veteran (12 years Army, 8 NG, many deployments). He was fully up front with his PTSD and TBI issues. He is lucky enough to have a service dog. I am an educated woman and was not intimidated when he asked me to read up on Combat PTSD/TBI. I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD from childhood occurrences and through education and therapy have mine pretty under control - so I thought I was ahead of the game and already knew some. I made a critical error. Even though I KNOW every case is different.... with him I didn't "live" every case is different. More importantly, I went and read about PTSD, etc. Not COMBAT or Military PTSD/TBI. There is a difference. You react different, process different, want different, expect different. You have been conditioned to do so. Therefore, probably no explanation needed when I relate we had two incredible months together, followed my a month of unraveling, followed by a month of implosions/explosions that I had no idea how to handle. He pushed me away so many times - and each time we broke up and then I found a way to mend it back together. He says he loves me - deeply. And just so you get that this isn't puppy-love, we are both in our 40's. Last Saturday he sent me a long email ending us - again. What I've read here has helped me see him and his actions in a very different way. He said he wants to protect me from him - I now understand why. He said he doesn't want to be a burden - I now understand why. He said I shouldn't have to deal with his crap - I now understand why. He said I deserve better than him - I now understand why. Thank you, Max. Some of what I read here has helped me better understand (note: not understand, but better understand). I sent him an email last night basically saying "I know enough to know I don't know what is happening here this time. If what you need is for us to be apart for a while - I get that. That is fine. No emails, texts, calls, seeing each other.... but know this::: I am here for you, I love you. I'm waiting. But if that is too much pressure for you - me waiting - just let me know that too. I will respect what you say. But I'll still wait". I'm going to continue to work my way through each month of your blog. Thank you - Ashley p.s... I was also respectful enough to tell him exactly what to email/text/tell me if he wants me gone, out of his life - kind of an "easy out" phrase. And I haven't heard it yet, so here is hoping.... and waiting ;-) 8/17/2014 03:27:19 pm
Ashley,
Ashley
8/15/2014 08:53:18 am
Hi Max, I've continued reading the archives and posts and learning more tools as I go. My Army Vet and I are working on communication, communication, communication. Thanks again! Comments are closed.
|
Categories
All
Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
October 2018
|
RSS Feed
Note: This website offers links to resources and venues for veterans to discuss PTSD. Any opinions expressed herein are solely the opinions of the website administration and are not a substitute or supplement for professional treatment.