It's been a couple of days since I last blogged but I've kept at the better food and diet choices as well as the exercise. I actually got in ride number four of the week tonight and tipped the scales at an increasingly svelt 299.6 pounds. It took me less than two weeks to get back down under 300!
In spite of all of this, I'm still really struggling on the weekends. I went to the gym this morning, got to see my daughter at swim lessons for the first time, and went to lunch with my parents. But I still felt 'off'. I struggled to think of anything else to do other than just come straight home afterwards and 'hide' in the house. I think things are going better but it's frustrating that I can't seem to snap out of the overall funk that has been lingering around for way too long.
I still think there's something to be said for being lonely. It's hard to enjoy going out when there's no one around to share it with. I know, I know - how am I lonely with this much family around that cares about me? And that's just the thing. Not having a partner in crime is starting to wear at me. At least I'm now receptive to the idea...I wasn't before.
More to follow soon!
Finally. I got a ride in this evening. It wasn't easy to motivate myself to do it, but I am headed in the right direction. I rode for a half hour and I feel really good after having completed the ride. I forgot how nice it can be to 'clear the mechanism'. That being said, my butt is sooooo SORE! I forgot how narrow that damned seat is. And before you ask, a 'granny seat' doesn't make it any better - it actually makes it worse.
Overall, today was a good day. I started off the day at an awards ceremony where we found out that we we came in #7 on the fastest growing company list for the local area. Work was very productive and I had a lot of good work and personal conversations.
The support has been much appreciated by everyone - today was one of those elusive good days all around. I plan to work to make more days like this happen soon. Off to bed and a good night's sleep!
So...this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I didn't exercise again today. I did stay strict on the gluten free diet and no soda and some of the weight is starting to come off. It's still really hard not to eat my feelings right now. I'm about to head to bed but tomorrow could be a big day for the company. We are one of the fastest growing companies in our area and there's an award ceremony tomorrow morning to find out where we stand on that list.
I'm really excited about it because it's a validation of all the hard work I've put in over the last few years but it still doesn't help me make sure that I make better use of my time to take care of myself when I am at home.
Upside? I got to listed to my daughter proudly read to me at her bedtime and she continue to amaze me every day. In the past the part that has really gotten me off track is my ability to be my own worst critic. I'm trying to change that a little by looking for and reinforcing the bright spots in my day. It's not easy but I don't want to get down on myself for not exercising today.
It's still disconcerting and jarring when I look in the mirror and I see the overweight guy looking back at me. I still, mentally, see myself as the fit soldier who went off to Iraq. It makes it that much harder when I look in the mirror and the reality doesn't fit my mental image of myself so I need to work to get back to some semblance of military shape.
Tomorrow's another day, though. Let's see where this goes.
Well, I didn't get the time I wanted to this evening to blog but I wanted to stay, at least, committed to what I said that I would blog about my journey daily. I didn't get to exercise but I did have a lot of water to get myself hydrated. I cut out soda about a week ago and I already feel a bit lighter on my feet. The diet will be a slow change but I am going to make time tomorrow to make doctors appointments for the coming weeks so I can get all caught up on all of my visits and get the ball rolling on medically monitored weight loss. I also am looking at discussing my needs with a nutritionist but they are very expensive when they aren't covered at all by insurance. I'm working to figure that angle out.
Overall, it was a fairly good day. I felt productive at work and my coworkers have been very supportive of this journey I've embarked upon. More to follow tomorrow.
Have a good night everyone!
I know it's been a while again since I last wrote. The incidents that spurred me to write again recently have taken a toll. I don't know where to begin but I can tell you that I feel particularly lost right now - and I don't know why.
Life is good.
I have a good job that I am passionate about. I have an amazing daughter who astounds me every day with her joy and compassion for others. I think I finally am beginning to surround myself with people who care about me, professionally, people I call friends.
Yet, I can't remember the last time I felt so alone, so out of touch, so isolated from the world around me. I fight every day against feeling lost, hopeless and depressed. And it hasn't been easy to do that recently. When I'm not 'on' for work, I struggle to get up off the couch.
The people around me deserve better but I can feel myself withdrawing from them in spite of myself and my best efforts. So the question remains - WHY?
It's begun to sink in recently that many people see me as the person I am at work: confident, passionate, caring, sense of humor. The sad part is that part of me has felt increasingly like a persona, not who I am. That pisses me off like you would not believe. I like that guy. He puts himself out there. He empowers those around him.
So why don't I feel like that guy is me? I feel like when I get home, all of my fears, frustrations, and anger bubble up and consume me and overwhelm me. My only saving grace is my beautiful daughter who can snap me out of this funk when I have her with me.
And that's when it hit me: not having someone to share life with is taking a toll on me. It's hard enough to contend with PTSD on a regular basis but when you don't have someone to care for, someone to care FOR you, someone to confide in and someone who confides IN you, the loneliness can be exceedingly overwhelming at times. It makes me feel guilty because I know I probably put more on my daughter that I realize and that's not fair to her. I'm not saying I do it intentionally, you get emotional support and validation wherever you can whenever you can. But I know it's not fair to her so I 've worked to shelter her from that out of a deep and abiding sense of love.
So I've found solace where I can. Work. Travel. Work. More Work. Growing the business. Work. More Work. More Travel. Work.
All so I can give Caley the things I want to be able to provide her with.
I put my heart and soul into every day at work. Same with what I try to do for my daughter. But I can't remember the last time I did something to take care of myself and that's a major problem.
It's creating this dichotomy between the work me and the personal me and I don't like it.
So what do I do? The symptoms of my PTSD have been very hard to cope with recently. The hyper-vigilance, being easily triggered, intrusive recollections, nightmares....They're all getting increasingly worse and I have struggled to find a way to regain equilibrium. I've spent a lot of time this weekend in quiet introspection, working to figure this out.
This weekend has been quite an eye opener. I've thought things through from pretty much every angle. There is no dichotomy. Work me is me. Personal me is me too. The difference is the nature of the support network I have through work versus what I have in my personal life.
I've been very successful over the last few years in creating a professional life that is filled with good people and that is highly rewarding.
I can't say that I have been as successful in my personal life. I really don't have much in the way of friends, don't like going out much, and find opening myself up to others and sharing my struggles to be very difficult.
Trusting others is very hard for me.
I think it's also a self-esteem issue, I think. I don't feel like I'm worth the time to take care of so I haven't. I haven't seen a primary care physician in years. I saw a dentist for the first time in more than two years just a few months ago. My overall health has suffered due to many circumstances outside of my control - the VA not being able to provide me the care I need, private health insurance not covering other medications that I need to manage my psoriasis when the VA failed me.
For the longest time I have refused to see private doctors out of a foolish stubborn sense of pride - that I shouldn't HAVE to pay for care I deserve.
But something's got to give. And it starts today. I'm so done with outside influences having a damaging impact on my life. I'm putting myself first for a while. I'm going to see a primary care physician and I am going to get put on medically supervised weight loss so that I can aggressively shed this weight I can't seem to shake. I'm going to exercise every day. I'm going to put the phone away and focus on my wellness, physical and mental.
I've already gotten everything set up and in line to do this. The laundry is done and completely caught up. I set up the bike trainer in the basement and am going to ride on it tonight for at least a half hour. I just need the support and understanding of those around me to make it happen.
Over the course of this week, I am going to re-engage with my physician, get referred to someone who can help with the weight loss, get referred to a rheumatologist, speak to my dermatologist, and more.
Everything has begun to suffer because of how things have been going in my life and I feel like if I don't take control of my wellness now, I never will.
The Daily Exercise Diary
From this point on, I am going to share what I can about my efforts to help myself. I will share my exercise routine, how hard it was to get out of bed, how I felt before exercise, how I felt after, how I feel at work, when I leave work, etc.
Please bear with me as I get back into the routine and thank all of you who have reached out to support me over the years. I know I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I used to but I stand committed to this effort. See you all tomorrow.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.