I seriously need to get out of retail. I used to love the holiday season. Getting together with family, good food, football, food comas...What's not to like? That has slowly changed over the last few years. Now I just want the holiday season to be over.
You wonder why? Let me break it down for you:
That's what I have to face every year. I fight really hard to keep an even keel and to be there for my family and this is what I have to look forward to.
I need a vacation.
I was talking with my wife about my inability to get to sleep at a decent hour on a regular basis, even though work has been very accommodating with my scheduling. She was confused why I couldn't seem to get into bed and fall asleep until after midnight when I have to be up by 5:30 most morning.
As we talked more about it, I discussed with her the regularity of my nightmares. The thing that she didn't understand was that I don't always remember having the nightmares. What I do know is that I wake up sore and stiff on the mornings following the nightmares I don't remember. It's like I tense up head to toe during the nightmares. What's worse, I am exponentially more susceptible to intrusive recollections and flashbacks on the days following the nightmares I don't remember.
Add this to the nightmare 'memories' I DO remember and I think you get the picture. I don't get many undisturbed nights. It makes me afraid of going to sleep. What I didn't realize is that when it gets close to bedtime, the adrenalin kicks in and I become hypervigilant. I am only able to lay down and go to sleep once I have gotten to the point where I am so tired that my physical exhaustion outweighs my fear of sleeping and the hypervigilance.
For those of you that understand the impact of adrenalin on the body, it takes an extreme sleep deficit to become exhausted to the point you can overcome the adrenalin and fall asleep anyways.
This is my world right now. Granted, I am coping with my PTSD very well right now. I am closer with my wife and daughter than I ever have been. Yes I have to take my anxiety medication for emergency anxiety control on a more regular basis than I ever had to in the past, but this fear of sleeping has become the focus of my frustration in recent weeks.
I discussed this with my individual therapist and she it looking into ways to work around this. Stay tuned...
So yeah. I was at work and unwrapping a piece of roast beef. What I didn't see was the pool of blood on the underside of the piece of beef. The blood ended up splashing all over my hands and my feet. Next thing I know, I have the smell of blood in my nose and the metallic taste in my mouth. It wouldn't go away. I took a break and took some extra anxiety medication and the memories just wouldn't go away. I hadn't had sensory recollection persist like that for hours at a time. Truly. Hours and the smell wouldn't go away. I tried eat something and all I could taste was blood. I just couldn't stay at work any longer. I ended up leaving work part of the way through my shift, distraught, and distracted.
I thought about it a lot for the rest of the day, worried that handling roast beef would cause more recollections. Fortunately, when I was at work the next day, nothing intruded.
It's left me a lot of anxiety and I haven't been dealing with it very well. Maybe it's more lack of sleep catching up with me. I know I had nightmares Friday into Saturday and Saturday into Sunday. I can always tell when I wake up after nightmares, even if I don't remember them - my muscles are sore like I was lifting weights all night. It makes it hard to lay down and go to sleep.
I need some time to think this through. More on this tomorrow...
On September 27th, my wife and I celebrated seven years of love and commitment to each other. I need to share with the world just how amazing that milestone is. It is a testament to my wife's love, commitment, patience, compassion, and intestinal fortitude. Let's recount the wonderful years of marriage that my wife has endured as my PTSD hijacked my life and our marriage:
THREE: The number of years I didn't take my meds because I was 'fine'.
TWO: The number of years that financial and employment instability undermined our financial well-being.
FIVE: The number of years that I wasn't getting quality therapy to help me learn to cope with my PTSD.
ONE: The number of years I completely withdrew from my wife and newborn daughter completely.
SEVEN: The number of years my wife stayed by my side and did what was necessary to get us through.
You do the math, there was substantial overlap on these 'blissful' years of marriage. I never stopped loving my wife. Ever. Now, more than ever, I don't take her or my daughter for granted. I have a lot to live up to in order honor my wife and the sacrifices she has made to stay by my side and to keep our family in one piece.
For me it starts by dedicating myself and my efforts to being an equal partner by helping around the house (I've been dedicated to this for about a month and it's been wonderful for our relationship). Also, getting myself trimmed down and healthy. No more half measures. Time to go all the way and tear it up.
It's going to take consistency to earn her trust back. I lost that and all of my credibility with her years ago.
There is nothing I want more is for her to be able to trust me and have faith in me again. I am not striving to be the man I was - the man she met. I am striving to be her partner, her equal. Whatever it takes.
So here's to seven years of commitment and love and compassion, given freely by an amazing woman I am lucky to have in my life.
Happy Anniversary, Baby. I love you will all of the pieces of my shattered soul.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.