I haven't had time to write a blog entry for almost two weeks. Now, regardless of anything else I have going on, I'm taking the time to write it now. My head feels fuzzy. My thoughts and feelings haven't felt this jumbled in a long time. It has led to feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment.
Dissatisfaction with the progress I am making as a husband and father, dissatisfaction with the rate of progress I am making with the non-profit.
Disappointed with myself and my inability to successfully get myself back into shape and to better care for my physical health.
Never having enough time for all of the things I want to accomplish and getting frustrated when things don't play out the way I want them to. It seemed like everything was taking precedence over writing my blog posts. Considering how central to my ability to cope blogging has become, that was stressing me out big time. The longer I went without getting the thoughts out of my head and into my blog, the less I was able to effectively accomplish.
So, what to do? I work full-time to make the money my family needs to get by and then spending another 30-40 hours every week plugging away on the tasks that need to get done to convert my plans for my non-profit into actionable programs. Between those to things, it take all of my energy to ensure that I am not withdrawing from my family. I'm loving and caring for my wife and child. I don't want to be missing from their lives ever again.
By the time I attend to all of these things, the day's over and I am exhausted. I don't have time for anything else - and making blog posts were continually set on the back burner. I knew, with the formation of the non-profit that I would be overworked in the short-term. The problem is that it has become a long-term problem and one that I NEED to ensure the success of.
Then it hit me: maybe if I blog about this and continue to blog on a regular basis, I will be able to be concentrate on the current task. Maybe if I keep up my blogging, I will be more efficient because my head won't be cluttered with jumbled thoughts and ideas.
I need to figure this out and quick. I need to do everything in my power to get this all sorted out. It seems counter-intuitive, but I strongly believe that making the time to blog and keep my head clear will result in more efficient use of my time otherwise. Guess it's time to see.
It's been too long since I have had the energy to actually sit down and clear my head. Work has been taking every last ounce of energy I have, just to get through the days recently. The hardest part: working in a busy retail environment. Normally, it's busy but manageable. Since Labor Day Weekend, it's been a nightmare. There has been so much to do and not enough time to get everything done. Customers were four deep on the other side of the counter on many occasions. I felt surrounded, claustrophobic.
I'd come home spent, with just enough energy to keep my promise and make dinners most days, do the dishes. Other than that, ugh. I shudder to think of how I'd be right now if work hadn't made accommodations in my scheduling to help me get more regular sleep. Working in retail and having PTSD really was feeling like a match made in hell.
Then, two days ago, the flood waters receded. Things returned to some semblance of normal and I actually came home with something left in the tank. What did I do with the extra emotional energy?
And if felt wonderful.
I have used the past two nights after work to recharge the batteries. I have off the next two days. Today is mine to do with as I see fit. Tomorrow, I will actually have the energy to catch up on all of the work and correspondence that has been piling up. The last logo still needs to get finished and so do a lot of other tasks that have been put on the back burner over the past two weeks.
Gotta get this stuff done. I hate to think about what Thanksgiving and Christmas will bring this year...
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.