TRIGGER WARNING:  GRAPHIC CONTENT

I have to work tomorrow.  Tomorrow, of all days, is the last day I want to be around anyone.  It's the 'anniversary' of the incident that changed everything for me.  I don't normally write about the actual event that was a major contributing factor to my PTSD, but this anniversary is different.

It still feels like yesterday, but tomorrow makes ten years to the day that 1LT Leif Nott died in a friendly fire incident in Balad Ruz, Iraq.  I still struggle with what happened every day.  I remember the sounds, the smells, the feel, everything.

This is the first time that I have mentioned the incident specifically.  I don't know why I feel compelled to share it now.  I just couldn't let another year go by without honoring those that were injured and those that died that day.

I can't bring myself to recount all that happened, but you can read about that night and the cover up HERE.

I tried to 'suck it up' but I landed myself in the Combat Stress Control Clinic at Balad Air Field a week later.  Everyone back at the unit I had been attached to was acting like nothing had happened.  I felt compelled to make sure the truth was known - so I contact JAG and CID and reported the friendly fire incident and violations of the rules of engagement.  I also reported my suspicion of attempts to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

A week later, I was released back to duty by the clinic.  My reporting the incident should have remained confidential.  Somehow, it made its way back to the commanding officer of the unit I was supporting and I instantly became persona non grata.

Things went downhill fast from there.  I was denied R&R and mid-tour leave because I was a 'mission critical asset' - yet the rest of my team and all of the other attached special operations teams we worked with got to rotate home for two weeks.  I isolated and shunned by all but my colleagues.  The sectarian violence ratcheted up soon after and the trauma continued to build.

Six months later, I found myself being sent home, a danger to myself and others.

The greatest travesty:  The unsung heroes that never received the recognition they deserved for jumping into action.

When it became clear that we had shot up our own, the direct support Psy-Ops team, two young medics and myself ran out to conduct triage.  It became evident that we needed another vehicle so I ran back to the TOC and ordered some privates to clear out the Psy-ops turtleback so that we could use it as an ambulance.  The next few minutes were a blur.  I remember SGT Anderson being carried into the medic bay.  Same with SPC Devers.  I remember returning to the scene to continue to help and things become disturbingly clear in my mind.

I remember the old man, blood and bone chips flowing away from the mangled mess of his leg to pool in the dust on the side of the road.  Somehow we managed to stabilize him.  When the medevac birds arrived I positioned myself to lift the old man's upper half into the stretcher and discovered that he had a gaping wound on his back.  I had put my arm, almost up to the elbow into his chest cavity.  I cannot adequately describe the sensation of feeling someone's heart beating from inside their body.  Those sensations and smells will stay with me until the day I die.

To this day, I still don't know if those two young medics or the Psy-Ops team were ever recognized for their actions.  I know, like me, they ran out there in untied boots, brown t-shirts, no protective gear, and M-16's on their backs.  We didn't think, we reacted.  And it is with the utmost humility that I need to express my admiration for their actions that day.

I just wish, on tomorrow of all days, that I could remember the medics' names,  Or the Psy-Ops teams' names.  Maybe this blog will reach them somehow.

Most importantly, I need to express my most sincere condolences to the family of 1LT Leif Nott.  Until this year, I couldn't muster up the courage to even do that.  The memories were too much to handle.  Honestly, they still are, but it's been ten years.

I couldn't be silent, reticent anymore.

Requiescat in pace, Lief.  It is in honor of your service and sacrifice that I have finally mustered up the courage to share this.  May you and your family find the comfort and peace you deserve.

It's strange for me.  I am looking for spiritual fulfillment and I am still not able to find something that will work for me.  When I sat down with my therapist to continue our discussion, I told her that I have had no success in finding anything that I think I can incorporate into my daily life that will provide me with the spiritual fulfillment that I need.  I told her that I was talking to a buddy I served with in Iraq that had offered to take me scuba diving.  I plan on taking him up on the offer.  The problem is that I can't go scuba diving every day.

It's giving me fits.

So I am putting the call out there.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I have been driving myself nuts looking on the internet for any type of spiritual practice that I think could help me find peace.  I decided to back off the search for a while.  I think that I have been looking too hard and people say that when you stop looking, you find what you are looking for.  Time to sit back and relax and just enjoy the coming week.

It's all about focus.  I am going to put my efforts into the non-profit and find some fulfillment there.  It will help short-term AND it will put my plans for the non-profit into sharp focus.  It's not like I don't have anything to do.  Logos.  Business plans.  Newsletters.  Board meeting.  Business meetings.  Continued tweaking of the websites.  It's a lot to do but I love doing it.

My therapist expressed concern that I may be over-extending myself.  I thought about it but I just can't see it.  If running the non-profit is the only thing that gives you at least some semblance of spiritual peace, wouldn't you work on it a lot?

Hello All,
In the future, you will see blogs entries from guest bloggers who have a message or mission that I think is relevant and worth supporting.  First Up:  Natalie Cramer of the Blue Star Family Platoon!

With me going through the mess I went through over the past month, I hadn't seen my individual therapist for a while.  We caught up on all that had happened and she was relieved that I was relieved.  She was concerned with how quickly my ability to manage my PTSD deteriorated during this trial.  We got to talking about it and about my support networks and it became abundantly clear that the only support network I don't have is the spiritual one.  It took a lot of explaining to fully articulate what I find spiritual.  I don't believe in God, at least not an anthropomorphic one.  Attributing humanity to a being beyond our comprehension smacks of hubris and I just don't buy into it.  That was the easy part to explain.  The hard part to explain was what I DO find spiritual - connection with nature.  Connection with the natural world around me - especially water.  It is one of the major reasons that Native American beliefs resonate so strongly with me.  On the flip side, I am not interested in visiting a 'retreat'.  I would want to learn the culture so entwined with the beliefs.  The reality is that Native Americans are reticent to share what is sacred to them with outsiders - if you weren't born into it, you wouldn't understand is a common sentiment I have found online.

She asked me to think back and describe to her the last I felt truly at peace - spiritually whole.  I thought about it for a while and I told her it happened on my honeymoon to St. Croix.  I was out in the ocean with my snorkel and fins on while my wife was taking a nap.  I just closed my eyes and let the current take me for a while.  The weightlessness of my body, the fell, smell, and taste of the ocean, and being surrounded by teeming sealife.  I felt at home in a way that I hadn't felt since before I went to Iraq.  It was a glimpse of 'wholeness' that I haven't felt since.  I had to explain that it's not that it paradise - it's that there is no pressure to be anything other than who you are.  No masks, no responsibilities, no obligation to others.  I have always found the life on St. Croix to be healing in a way I can't describe.  I used to visit my grandparents down there almost every summer as a kid.  So, what to do?  The reality of just picking up and moving to paradise is slim to none.  How to I recreate the essentials of that spirituality that heals me so completely?  I feel spirit yearning to be whole and the source of my healing is far removed from the world I inhabit.

Well, at least I have something to think about now.

Here's the thing:  with all of changes that I have to make in my life to put my sleep back in balance, life is presenting a lot of new challenges...and lots of uncertainty.  What if work will not accommodate my need for a set schedule?  Why can't I seem to get to bed at a reasonable time?  Why is it still so hard for me to get up and get active?

What if?  Why?  How?

I asked myself these questions a lot yesterday and tried to come to terms with all of the things that are going to need to change in order for my life to center itself.  I got up, went about getting new sneakers and then went running in the afternoon heat.  It felt amazing.  Things fell apart as the day wore on.  I ate dinner and had planned to sit down and work on making some changes to one of the websites.  Well, that didn't happen and as the evening wore on, I lost track of time and that I intended to go to sleep at 10PM.  1230AM rolled around and I felt like an idiot.  Talk about being frustrated with myself.  If I can't get to bed at a reasonable hour, then I can't regulate my sleep and catch up on the huge deficit I already have.

So, just like the old challenges, I pick myself up today, dust myself off, and try again.  Today, I am going to work on the website and blog entries in the morning, clean the apartment and go for a run in the afternoon, and take some free time in the evening.  That's the goal.  Now I just need to push forward and make sure that I meet those goals.

So, yeah.  The challenges are new but the approach to overcoming them is the same.  Grit and determination.  Intestinal fortitude.  Finding ways to keep myself motivated.  All of these things are not new to me - just the problem to overcome.  The important thing for me to remember is that I have never given up in the past and I won't now.  I have past successes and failures to teach me what I need to do to move forward.

Because Every Day is a New Day.

Sorry for the delay in getting this out to everyone.  For personal reasons, I was not able to write this in a timely manner.  For a good summary of what happened during the panel, click HERE.  It's been too long since the panel for my memory to be clear of all that was said and the best I would be able to do is reading the paraphrasing of the live twitter feed.  There are a few points that were made that were significant that I do remember and those are the ones that I will discuss in this post.

Veterans as Civic Assets:
One of the panelists, Koby Langley, commented that one of the major problems facing veterans is that they are not viewed as civic assets.  I agree 100%.  What was nice about him making that comments is that it puts that subject on the national radar.  Veterans are volunteering and serving their local communities in record numbers and not much attention is being paid in the national media.  Yes, they have articles about veteran volunteerism on websites like CNN and FOXNews.  The problem:  It's never THE item of news.

Veterans continue their selfless service after they leave the military, making a huge difference wherever they put down roots.  This hard work and dedication to their communities, however, has not translated into gratitude and jobs.  Serving honorably in the military used to mean stability and a guaranteed job upon separation from service.  The communities we live in seem to have forgotten just what it is we sacrifice and how selflessly we serve. I don't say this on my account - my family doesn't live paycheck to paycheck, but too many veterans and their families struggle to make enough to keep a roof over their heads.  Many veterans with disabilities that CAN work aren't given equal consideration for employment yet none of us can prove discrimination.  I am lucky that I work for a compassionate company that does right by veterans.

Koby obviously understands this struggle that veterans face every day and is working to make sure that our plight is put on the national radar and stays there.  Many thanks, Koby, for your efforts and I wish you success in your endeavors.

Bipartisan Solidarity:
We were all in for a surprise visit before the panel got under way.  Representatives Phil Roe of Tennessee and Tim Walz of Minnesota talked to the audience about all of the struggles facing veterans with PTSD.  They vowed that no partisan politics would come into play when it came to doing right by veterans.  I was surprised to see a Republican and a Democrat standing side by side voluntarily.  The respect each man had for each other was obvious.  It was very heartening to see.

With all of the partisan vitriol constantly being spewed from all corners of DC and across the country, more open cooperation is necessary for our country to move forward - especially concerning the long-term care for our nation's veteran population.  Representatives Roe and Walz have dedicated themselves to doing what is best for veterans, regardless of constituency or political affiliation.  I encourage them to continue on this path of cooperation.  I know I will be paying much closer attention to their efforts in DC.

Again, I am sorry that I was unable to follow up on this panel like I did last year.  Personal issues, aside, I still believe that the conversations being held at these panels is important and gives us all an idea where policy is headed (as well as what issues will be focused on by non-profits and veterans organizations).  I just wish that I could have given this panel discussion the attention it was due.  If you are interested in watching the whole panel and the Q&A, you can watch it below.  I would love to hear from everyone on what was covered in this panel.  Hope everyone has a great week!