Finding ways to recreate my space.

As I said in the last post, I have been struggling to find a way to deal with the loss of my PTSD 'Fallout Shelter'.  It has not been easy.  I have tried a lot of different things and discussed different options with Dani and we have yet to come up with a solution that works.  Here's what we've tried:

• Researched Gamer Headsets:  We found that the only gamer headsets that would not aggravate me (due to poor audio quality) were wired headsets or headsets that were out of my price range.  I was testing out headsets that my friend has and discovered that wires were a really bad idea.  One of my cats decided to bite through one of the cables...Also, Dani is legitimately concerned that I will use the headset to tune out everyone else and ignore my responsibilities.  I explained to her that it's not a matter of ignoring my responsibilities as much as having a little time free of distractions to sort out my day.  I do understand the concern that it would turn into an excuse and addictive 'numbing agent'.  Verdict:  No Go
• Long Cycling Rides:  Two Sundays ago, a buddy came up to visit and we went for a 25 mile ride.  It was cathartic and exhausting at the same time.  I loved it.  We followed that up with another 25 mile ride this past Sunday.  It definitely improved my mood and outlook.  One little problem:  I haven't been able to find the motivation to go by myself after work...This is problematic.  My instincts are telling me that this is a motivational barrier I have to work through.  I have a good feeling about the outcome, once I can coerce myself to overcome my reservations about riding alone.  Verdict:  Jury's Still Out

It has been an interesting struggle.  I still want to get back into the gym, but life always seems to conspire against that happening.  I get frustrated that I can't and I get frustrated that I am not losing weight and it causes my PTSD to flare up even worse.  Overall, being aware of what is happening to me has been helpful, but it has not been easy.  Nor have I been successful all of the time.  I will go from loving daddy to apathetic bump on the couch with little to no warning - it tears my heart out sometimes that I don't have the emotional energy to show my daughter every minute of every day that I love her.  I am going to continue to plug away at this and see where it goes.  Hopefully we will come up with something soon.