Every so often, you just need some down time. I have been busy with the family and with medical issues and everything else for a while now. Today is just for me. Dani is taking a day for herself as well. She is taking Caley down to her parents' and is spending time down there quilting with her mother. As for me, well...
I haven't decided what I am doing today. I just know it won't involve actually doing much of anything. I am looking forward to sitting out on the porch for a little bit here and there, reading. Spending some quality time with my Xbox 360 may also be in order. I am not sure yet. I just know that today is a day to unwind and reflect on all that has happened over the last few weeks and months. I went back and read a lot of the posts from when I first started blogging again. They were pretty desperate and dark. I feel like I am in a better place now and not only for myself and my family.
There is going to be a lot happening in the ensuing months. I am getting more heavily involved in local veteran affairs and advocacy. I am excited about where that could lead, but I don't want to get my hopes up unrealistically. There are a lot of opportunities to improve the lives of veterans in my area (as I am sure there are everywhere) and I have some plans in the works to take advantage of those opportunities. I will probably spend a portion of the day mulling over my ideas and setting them down on paper, writing up a business model to envelope the ideas bouncing around in my head.
Regardless, I stay aware of where I have come from and what I need to continue to do to manage my PTSD. Some days are better than others and today's a good one. It's what I do on the days where things aren't so hot that will narrate my story in the coming years. I am tired of feeling angry and depressed and am working hard to fight the survivor's guilt. As the uncertainty of the future weighs more heavily on my shoulders, I look at my daughter to keep my focus. In the meantime, I will revel in doing whatever I please for a day.
First, I wanted to thank everyone for their warm wishes and prayers. It's no small thing to have the amazing support from all of you. When health problems seem to just keep on piling up, it is pretty easy to get depressed without even realizing it. Even now, when I seem to be coming out on the other side in better health, staying positive can be difficult. You get so used to something else going wrong or finding out that there is another health issue that you weren't aware of and it sets you back again. I didn't even realize until yesterday that the reason that I was feeling anxious about the surgery was because it is the last medical problem on the very long list from the past few months. The surgery is the light at the end of the tunnel and I am afraid of cloud cover.
I thought about it and recognized that I am actually very confident that the surgery will not only go well, but be resoundingly successful. What I am actually stressed out about is what comes after: I don't know. Am I actually going to be fairly healthy? Is that even possible? Since when did the prospect of being healthy cause me anxiety? I caught myself thinking, "If my health is getting better and better, what else is going to go wrong?"
Two weeks goes by in a flash when you have a toddler. I just want to get through the surgery and come out the other side. In the meantime, I am going to focus on my daughter who adds new words to her vocabulary practically every day now. She is an absolute delight to play with and spend time with. I saw the allergist yesterday as well and she said my lungs were doing really well. Time to put them to the test. My wife and I bought a child seat for the back of my bike. Time to get outside, enjoy the amazing weather and forget about life for a while. I am going to revel in the simple act of loving my wife and daughter. Who knows? Maybe I'll even forget about my problems for a little while.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.