I had some bad nightmares last night. For the first time in a while, my wife didn't wake up when I woke up. I don't know if I cried out or not. I just know that I had to go wash my hands for a while. It really sucked. I put on a happy face for my wife because she had a really rough day today with Caley and I didn't want to upset her when she was already stressed out. I will tell her before we go to bed, whenever that is. Stupid weather is wreaking havoc on our area again.
I hate it when I have intrusive recollections. The next few days I am edgy and anxious that I am going to have more. It makes it difficult to get a good night sleep and makes it difficult to stay focused during the day. I recognize this is a problem and I still haven't been able to figure out a way to nip it in the bud yet. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!
A kid at work cut his finger...it was bleeding a lot like those types of cuts do. He had a look of terror on his face. That look hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks. I started having recollections of the faces of the Iraqis I interrogated in Iraq. I had to call my wife to bring my meds and I was not doing well for about an hour. I decided to call up a buddy of mine that I served with to gain some perspective and to get it off my chest. That was the best idea I had all night. He kept me grounded in the here and now and reminded me that I am not in Iraq anymore. I can't thank him enough for being there for me tonight.
I have been getting irritated at little things that shouldn't matter and I don't know why. Something is triggering this reaction and I need to figure it out before I do or say something I regret. It's not that I feel out of control, it's just that I snip at people and don't even realize that I have done it until after the damage is already done. Thankfully, this has not been directed at family. Maybe I am feeling pent up at work about something out of my control. I will have to explore that possibility.
I am hoping that this plan really works because sometimes I get so tired I can't sleep. The self-preservation instinct kicks in and keeps me awake. Let's see if it still does when I go to bed tonight. It would be nice to wake up refreshed after a good night's sleep for a change.
I really need to stop taking naps in the middle of the day. It is hard enough to fall asleep at night when I am not taking naps...When I am taking naps during the day it gets even harder. I was just reading this manual for PTSD that was sent my way and it talked about this very subject. It gave some good action plans to work this out and ensure that you are getting better quality rest at night time. I am going to try this out and see how it works for me.
Sometimes I wish I didn't suffer from this curse. It usually means that when something major is happening at work, I am the one in charge in the evening...Granted I thrive off of the opportunity to excel, but it can make me a little edgy from time to time when I have to deal with difficult situations. Most of the time I don't let it show, but it has been a little difficult recently. I haven't figured out why I have been a little more prone to showing anger recently, but it is definitely something I plan on looking into.
Today was a day off from work and I think I really needed it. I don't deal very well with uncertainty and I am waiting to find out the verdict on the job interview I had last week. I hope I find out this week. It will take a load off my chest if I do. I thought I had it under control. Then, as usual, it sneaked up on me and blindsided me with anger. I caught it pretty quickly, but not before I lashed out at some people that shouldn't have been recipients at all...
I had a situation where someone asked me to meet them somewhere and they were not there at the appointed time. Not only that, but it put plans for the day on hold. It REALLY pissed me off. I cannot stand rudeness of this type. So, my wife ended up being the one to have to put up with me when I was angry...again. I hate it when she sees me like this. At least Caley was in a really happy mood. I got some really good giggles out of her and it helped to calm me down, but I ended up hiding in my man-cave until I was able to settle myself down...hours later.
After getting myself hyped up about my interview, it was a non-issue as expected. I think the interview went well and I felt drained immediately upon leaving. I wish there was a way I could turn it off. We went over to my parents' for dinner and I passed out on the lounge. It was needed but it would have been nice to be able to stay awake and enjoy Caley's antics with her grandparents...
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.