When I first got home, I had major issues with other people's incompetence.  It angered me greatly because overseas, incompetence got people killed.  I eventually learned how to better direct this energy and use it to positively affect my day.  I seem to have unlearned how to do that.  Any perceived incompetence on the part of anyone causes and instant, knee-jerk anger reaction that I have been able to catch before I blow a gasket.  I just don't know why this has happened.  I am going to have to relearn how to positively channel this anger so that I can remain free of the poisonous anger I used to feel.  I always like a good challenge, but this is one I could most definitely do without.

I have been really stressed out lately.  With my anger issues and stress at work and stress at home, I have been continually wearing my body down for weeks.  It caught up with me today.  I got part of the way through my shift at work and I had to go home.  They say that stress breaks down your immune system:  It has to be true because it is the only time that I EVER get sick.  I got home and slept for four hours.  I was a mess.  It has really motivated me to get a handle on things.  I am going to be looking into therapy sessions with a non-VA doctor so that I can get more consistent treatment.  I know that the folks at the VA are really overwhelmed right now.  I have insurance.  Most guys don't.  It just makes sense that I do what I can to help myself and other vets by using my insurance to get the help I need.

I got angry at my wife and there was no reason for me to be angry.  What the heck is up with this ridiculous anger?  I have been thinking about it off and on all day and the only thing I can think of is that I feel powerless to change the things that I see that need fixing at work.  I guess I should talk to my manager about how I am feeling and explain why it is bothering me so much.  I have confidence that she will listen and work with me to help me resolve the anger issues that have been bubbling up lately.  I think that I am ready for a change and I hope that it comes sooner rather than later.  I have learned a ton, but I need a new challenge.  I just have to think out ahead of time what I am going to say and how so that the issues I want to address don't get clouded or misinterpreted by anger coming through when it shouldn't.  I am going to talk to my wife and see if she has anything that can help me find my center.

I woke up still angry and got home from work...still angry.  I wish I knew the hell why.  I am getting a little frustrated that I can't figure it out and that is definitely not helping things at all.  This is the first time in quite a while where my fuse has been this short and my temper this volatile.  I have been working really hard to control it which only makes me more tired and more irritable - it's a never ending cycle.  I am glad that my meeting with the VA docs is coming up soon.  I really think I need to adjust my meds.  They aren't stabilizing me as well as they had been.