Every Day is a New Day - Combat Veterans with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Anonymous Call for Help - So Damn Tired...

3/23/2012

I just received this anonymous comment and asked that I address it in a blog post. He says:
"I am tired. Burntout. detached. I know what needs to happen but I am too tired to make it happen. Just be husband, father, protector, rock. It is so hard now. I have to psych myself up to get involved and interested in the garage or building something and bam. The kids are fighting. Back to mr. dad again. Some how it feels hollow. It takes so much effort to psych myself up and try to get on a roll. I take so much medicine to deal with the shit in my head but cannot even deal with it because of the shit right in front of me. If most guys have trouble being a stable father then where does that leave me? Everything is twice as hard now. I can’t let her know. I have put so much on her already. How unfair and selfish can I be? I will smile because I am supposed to. Laugh because it is expected. Somehow I have become the best actor in the world. The overachiever that went to Iraq is gone and I am here. And I am so damn tired."

First off, I have to ask it and then I will follow up with comments in the comment section. If 'So Damn Tired' means you are considering harming yourself. GET HELP: 1-800-273-TALK.

OK, I had to say that first. I am going to post this now, just in case and follow up in the comments. Anyone who wants to can jump in for support!!

11 Comments

Lorienne

3/23/2012 12:59:13 pm

Where are you? Is there a faith community nearby. Use it. Even if you don't believe, there are people who can babysit, listen, be the rock for you. I would love to be present for you if you are in California.

Max Harris link

3/23/2012 12:59:39 pm

OK, first for the good news. You are not alone in this. I have struggled mightily with this issue for the past year. I didn't have the energy to devote to being a good husband and father if I was working. I felt so tired all of the time. We'll get into specifics in a second but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. You are more than welcome to become a member of the Facebook Page, while not anonymous, you don't have to type a word. Just come and listen. I will continue, but I need to put my daughter down.

3/23/2012 01:24:40 pm

To continue: One thing many guys need to get over is the gender roles. Since when do you have to be the rock all the time. I would wager money that your wife would love the opportunity to be your rock. She may not be able to relate to what you have been through or what you have experienced, but she CAN relate to and identify with the emotions you feel. Don't keep her on the outside looking in. Get her involved in your recovery. There are so many different things I could address and so many different issues I see, but I am not a counselor or a doctor. I can only give you advice based on what I have experienced myself and offer a shoulder to lean on. You know where to find me. Let me know what I can do to help you more and I will try.

TiredVet

3/23/2012 01:46:34 pm

No I am not going to hurt myself. I did use the hotline about two years ago when things were pretty bad and I wasn't working with the VA or on medication.
I have a problem with intrusive thoughts and needed to get some of them out. It is much easier to to be honest while I am anonymous.

3/23/2012 02:04:56 pm

Then stay anonymous! Have you ever considered writing down what you are feeling to get it out and then blogging it? If you need to vent or clear your head, we are here for you. If you want to write it down and get it blogged, I can post it anonymously on your behalf on the guest blogger site. We can give you the moniker So Damned Tired. If you just want to come on and rant every now and then, let me know and we can have a rant fest! clears the head!!

Kimberly Lancaster

3/23/2012 01:49:21 pm

I think a burden would be lifted if you would let her know. Have someone take care of the kids, an overnight visit with a relative, and take some time together so you can explain. You might even find some new found strength by doing this. Keeping those feeling in will wear you down and burn you out. As a wife I was always more than willing to listen and learn from my soldier so we could come up with ways to help take some of the weight off of him. I knew I had certain things I HAD to do because it was too much for him and that was okay.
I was his rock, he knew I could handle almost anything. I knew he was having trouble and I stepped up. You just got to let her know how you feel and I would bet you will get some relief!

3/23/2012 02:06:45 pm

I agree, Kimberly, but you also need to be careful that you don't give too much of yourself or you can't take care of yourself or your vet. Regardless of who is the rock, everyone needs downtime.

Rod Deaton link

3/23/2012 03:03:51 pm

I find that I'm always reminding the veterans I work with of the following: just because something feels gone doesn't mean it IS gone. Just because you feel you're failing doesn't mean you are. Feelings are strong, especially when you're an intense. internally-ignited veteran. But feelings are not always the truth. Not by a long shot.

Notice one important element in both your posts, Anonymous and Max: your sincere desire to make life right, to somehow connect, even though every cell in your body tells you that you're a fool for even considering that. Do you know the number of men who never give a second thought about what kind of partner or father they're going to be? Do you know the number of men who look at their partners, their children and see no one who grabs them, no one who makes them want to live even when they can find no other reason to do so? Do you realize that your very desire to be the man you want to be is the best evidence that you WILL become the man you want to be, precisely because you're military, and military don't give up, no matter what?

Because of your PTSD and its physiologic effects on your experience of your emotional systems, most of you guys feel so separated from your inner drives, from your will that kept you going over in the theater when that was the last thing you thought you could do. Anonymous, you worry that the "overachiever" is gone. I can sense something similar in your posts as well, Max.

And yet look, Anonymous: you're reaching out, right now, into cyberspace, trying to grab something, anything to make life better, to give your wife and family what you so desperately want to give them. Do you realize that if it weren't for the overachiever who is still in you, you'd have given up a long time ago--as most men who are not as strong as you have?

You're still an "overachiever." It's that what you're all having to overachieve through is territory far more daunting, far more real than you ever could have imagined over in that desert. Just because you feel as if you're getting nowhere does not mean you're getting nowhere: You ARE tired. You DO fear that it will never get better.

But your best evidence that such is not the case, Anonymous, even Max? You guys hit the "submit" button. Talk about an act of hope.

You must understand: most women are not made like most men. We guys are always worried about who's winning, who's losing, who's got what it takes. Remember: the women in our lives appreciate and enjoy our strength, but they do not crave it like we do. They crave US: you, me, us. Long before any of you guys landed in Kuwait, you weren't that hot at relating: I'M not that hot at relating--and supposedly I'm paid to do it every day! It's just a guy thing. The women in our lives have known this all along. We're the ones who have been fooling ourselves into thinking we somehow had this down pat.

Every one of you who has served in combat knows that you can have all the ammo, bells, and whistles you want: in war, you find out so suddenly and so unimaginably how vulnerable you--how vulnerable ALL of us--are. Think of it this way: there's no worse vulnerability than that, for there was no one, nothing reaching out to you on the other end. You've gone through the worst. You made it, even though every cell in your body says you haven't.

But those cells are wrong.

For every man, combat-tested or not, the vulnerability we must have with the women in our lives is terrifying. But you guys know better than all we civilians that there is something far more terrifying than having someone whom we love--who loves us--reach out to us, simply wanting to connect. There is war.

Guys, this isn't about your PTSD. It's about being a guy. I can't get it either, even though I work with this stuff day in, day out. Women really want to connect. With us. I know, it's crazy, but it's true. They mean what they say. You struggle feeling that connection from them NOT because you have PTSD, but because you're a guy,

Most of us men, especially when we're younger, have the luxury of thinking we can have a partner and really not have to get too tangled up in that touchy-feely stuff. Part of our growing up as men--all of us--is to realize that anything, anyone can be taken from us at a moment's notice. You men in combat have simply learned that lesson so young--and in such a horrifying, life-changing manner. Because of what you've experienced, you can't afford to put off until you're fifty or sixty the realization that love is terrifying precisely because it is so important--and so fragile. But it is all we have.

It was all you had with your brothers in combat.

The crazy thing about PTSD? You have to fight to be vulnerable. You have to fight to get something that wil terrify you when you get it. Yet it's what you want: connection, love. And believe me, it's what she wants. The women in our lives get it. We have to trust that they ge

So Damn Tired

3/23/2012 08:08:52 pm

Thank you for your comments and replies. Sometimes each day seems a struggle. I go to my VA sessions. Take the medication and sometimes I still slide back. I went from being a provider to a dependent.
Rod, I did talk with my wife. We are going to rearrange our schedules so that I can spend a few hours a day in my shop. I am learning a new craft and I think she understands that I need to get off of disability.
I will not be a statistic. The same sense of responsibility that makes it hard to heal is what keeps my chin up on those tough days.
Max I may take you up on that and be emailing you soon to blow off steam. I'll use the handle "so damn tired" when I do.
Thank you everyone. I am out.

3/23/2012 11:06:48 pm

You are most welcome. I look forward to the emails. Everybody needs a release valve. Rest assured, I have mine. I am also struggling through some changes right now and I know it's not easy. Every time we think we have things under control, life throws a curveball and we have to learn how to cope all over again. I want you to know that there will never be any judgement on my part - I just listen. Take care of yourself, So Damn Tired. I hope to hear from you soon.

Oh, and Rod, Check your email! Thank you for your amazing post.

anonyme link

8/12/2012 06:03:24 pm

This is the first time I am reading your post and admire that you posted article which gives users lot of information regarding particular topic thanks for this share.

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