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All of the developments with my health in the past few days have had a seriously bad unintended side effect. Rage. The docs say the sleep apnea is major contributing factor for why my PTSD was as bad as it was this past year. Wonderful. Great. Peachy. Splendid.
A suppressed immune system from lack of quality sleep causes allergic reactions to be worse. In some cases, severe allergies become life threatening. Wonderful. Great. Peachy. Splendid. Every relationship, personal and professional has suffered because of all of this crap. Thus, the rage. It's the angriest I have felt in years, and that scares me. I know I won't act on it, but it feels like someone lit a fire in my gut and walked away leaving me with the unenviable duty of putting out the fire by myself. I am snippy and have been since the docs told me about sending me to a sleep study yesterday. No one has been spared, including my wife. Is it fear of the unknown or anger at the injustice of it all. I will keep at it and see what I can figure out, but it doesn't make the feeling any less toxic. I feel like every time I regain a modicum of control over my life and my emotions, something comes along to sabotage all of the hard work I have put in. It gets really tiresome. When the hell do I get a break? I need a vacation from me...
10 Comments
Jill
4/5/2012 04:01:31 am
Max, I'm experiencing the same exact feelings right now, and it's interesting because I'm in your wife's position, loving someone with PTSD. He refuses to reach out for help and seems determined to stay stuck in his pain and this has become toxic for me. So I am awed at your courageousness and will to fight through hell to heal! It is so hard and terribly painful witnessing it from the outside and not being able to penetrate the fortress that has been erected in self-protection. I honor that pain and suffering with all of my being, but I rage at paralysis and fear it produces when someone wants to show a person a way out of it, thru unconditional love, acceptance, and other healing modalities and it won't be taken, even when they love you and see hope of a brighter future, because they are frozen, stuck, and afraid of change and being hurt. It truly breaks my heart and I've decided to try to move on for my own health and well-being. I can not hope, wish, or fight for my friend's healing any longer. He has to open the door and reach out his hand......truly wanting it for himself. I don't want to give up on him and I won't, I'll continue to pray for him and his son, but I have to distance myself from the situation to preserve my own mental health. And this goes totally against my grain....so I truly understand and empathize your rage, pain, and struggle. You are not alone in this! Prayers for your continued healing, and an ease to your pain and frustration, and most of all for inner peace. You are a true blessing to so many Max, keep fighting my friend!!! It will be so worth it in the END!!! 4/5/2012 05:43:06 am
Jill,
Jill
4/5/2012 09:17:46 am
Thank you Max for your kind words. I do not feel courageous.....feel like I'm abandoning ship! Though I know that I am no help to anyone until I heal myself first. Letting go is extremely painful and difficult, but alas I am not in control of this situation, it is in God's loving hands and I shall prevail.
Dan
4/5/2012 01:54:21 pm
Max I can totally understand where your coming from totally. Sometimes I can go from calm to nuclear in .02 seconds. I have chronic/severe Sleep Apenia as well. I finally was diagnosed after my beautiful wife told me I needed to go in for the sleep study. Fortunately for me she is also a licensed RN who has worked with Vets like us in the past which is why she has the patience to deal with me I guess...LOL Jill my wife is in your shoes as well at least the loving someone with PTSD part anyway. It has taken me quite a long time to finally seek some help and I hope your husband comes around soon. It will not take away the memories but it is an outlet to talk about it. Trust me I know all too well how PTSD can tear a family apart and turn some of us into some nasty people who maybe once were loving, kind people. My wife has just joined a Wounded Warrior program that are for Spouses who have secondary PTSD. They offer free retreats for you to get away and talk with other Spouses without your husband. I know my wife will love to get away from me and the kids for a couple of days.....LOL. They have 3 locations in DC, North Carolina and San Antonio right now but offer online forums for those not in those areas. Good luck to the both of you...... Proud Retired Disabled Veteran! 4/5/2012 02:41:04 pm
Dan, I think you have this a little confused. I am the veteran...although I hope a come around soon too! :D
Jill
4/6/2012 02:16:55 am
Dan, My friend and I are not married and have only dated for four months to which at least 6 weeks of that time he totally cut off communication with me and the world. If we were married, I would stick it out no matter what!! But since it was a rather "new" relationship and not much of a "relationship" at all, for that takes two people not just me, and so very painful in only a short amount of time, that is why I must move on. I can not take on someone else's pain when part of them is determined to be tortured by it for the rest of their lives and may "get" something out of staying stuck. He has told me on numerous occasions that he can't reach out, accept, or ask anyone for help. I have done so, over and over again, unconditionally yet he cannot accept it. So what do you do in that situation? Besides drive yourself crazy and ache with pain for your friend and yourself.....seems so unnecessary. His pain stems all the way back to early childhood so the PTSD only exascerbates all the messages he tells himself. There is a way out of all of the pain, and he is not yet ready to adventure down that scary and unsure road. I can not want it, wish it, or do it for him; if I could I would in a heartbeat-no questions asked!!
Teri
4/6/2012 12:40:05 pm
Not to minimize the anger you feel but there is a positive spin you could put on all of this. The sleep apnea is something you can address, probably even fix. And once you do, a lot of other things might be easier to deal with or even cease to be an issue. That's good news!!! 4/6/2012 12:44:44 pm
Teri,
Theresa
4/25/2012 01:51:10 pm
My boyfriend was just diagnosed with PTSD. He has known he has had a problem since he has been back from Iraq which has been about a year. I am just proud of the Vetrens that take a step forward. I was so proud of my boyfriend. He has been having problems thinking about hurting himself. He knew it was time to go in and get help. Plus he has been walking out of class because he would just get so frustrated. I am trying to be there for him, and I always will. I love him so much. Its just hard being on the other end. I will never know what you guys have been through, but I just want to be able to understand at a certain extent. 4/25/2012 01:56:32 pm
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