I woke up this morning, unsure of how I felt. Then I heard that my daughter was awake. I went into her room and before I could say anything, she saw me and let loose with an amazing smile. Pure unconditional love. Happiness - she was ecstatic to see her daddy. I was all that mattered to her in that moment.
It felt amazing. I greeted her with a "Good Morning, Caley!!" and she almost jumped out of the crib in her excitement to be held by daddy. It was exactly what I needed to get the week started off on the right foot. It really made me think about how much I had accomplished since I came home from Iraq and how much I had that I never thought would. I never thought I would meet a woman who could love me. I never thought I would have a child of my own. I thought I was too damaged for either. The PTSD did a good job of convincing me of that.
But here I stand. Married for over five years, gainfully employed by an employer that is compassionate and willing to give me short-term disability, no questions asked, and father to an amazing little girl. I accomplished all of this. Despite my PTSD. And over the course of the past year, my PTSD caused me to forget all that I had accomplished. I am going to start a new routine - at the end of every day, I am going to look at everything that I accomplished during the day and be grateful for it. Once a week, I am going to reflect on the week and all that I was able to accomplish. I am going to continue my work that I started on changing the way I think. I still use the Roll Call every day (Don't know what the Roll Call is? Read this post). That's become habit, so it's time to take the next step in my journey in re-learning how to cope with my PTSD. Let's see how it goes!!
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.