Am I Hiding in My Cave Again?

4/11/2012

OK, so I am starting to wonder how much of me staying home is me hiding in my cave. There's a difference between staying home and spending quality time with my daughter and being sedentary. When a person isn't being active, it doesn't exactly improve his mood. My wife pointed out to me yesterday that I didn't seem to be doing much activity. Even when I was playing with our daughter, it was always when I was sitting down or laying on the floor, etc.

She's right. I'm being sedentary. Inactivity is making it hard to get active. So what did I do? I asked my mom to come over and watch Caley so that I could go do something active - go to the clubhouse and use the gym, go for a walk, run, ride...

Guess what I did: Nothing. I couldn't get my tired ass out of bed. Again. What is so frustrating about this is I LOVE being active. I mean I really love it. I never used to be one of those guys who would sit on his duff all day and essentially do nothing. So I thought about this while I was feeding Caley and came to a realization. I am scared witless that I will go into respiratory distress again and end up back in the hospital. The doctors cleared me, but it made me scared for my life and I haven't felt that way since Iraq. So here I am, sitting. Wondering. Feeling guilty. Feeling scared. Feeling like a failure. How do I fix this. The thought of going outside to exercise scares me stupid. When my wife makes me go for a walk or I take my daughter for a walk, I don't last very long.

I refuse to let this beat me. I am going to talk to my wife about this try to come up with a plan to beat this. I want to beat this, but I need a drill sergeant to light a fire...

6 Comments

Cindy

4/11/2012 04:00:17 am

Again, I could have written this myself. For a short period of time I forced myself to go to CrossFit (ablt to work at your own pace). It was ran by an Army NCO who knew of my military background, so he "encouraged" (screamed at me) like a drill sergeant. It was exactly what I needed. Unfortunately, he was deployed in Nov. and no one took over the class. All I can say is baby steps, set a small goal, and work from there. Right now I don't like to be out in public much, so I walk my dog around the block at 1 or 2am. Some nights I can only walk 2 blocks, some nights I can walk forever, and some I can't get out the door. Nevermind that I'm hoping I'm attacked so I have a reason to...you know.....at least I'm getting some exercise.

Donna Sue May

4/14/2012 02:14:50 pm

I understand those walks because you don't care if someone walks up to you. You would exercise by letting those feelings out my husband let them out on me and all I ever did was love him and even now since our marriage is over I find myself missing the man who hurt me...
I do not totally understand my PTSD all the depression and apathy hits me as well.
And I can't seem to go outside I feel locked up in a lead box with no way out.I want to scream from feeling so bad.But I would just get locked up again ...

Max Harris link

4/11/2012 04:20:03 am

My wife and I are going to take my daughter out for a haircut and walk/play at the park. My wife knows that one thing will get me outside: My daughter. As scared as I am that my lungs are going to go nuts on me again, I will risk it all for her.

cindy

4/11/2012 08:15:53 am

Good for you. I hope all of you enjoy yourselves!

Sergeant Wacked out

4/28/2012 02:46:55 pm

I am on the verge of giving my wife a divorce. I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I take Prozac for the depression, but it doesn't seem to be helping with the anger. Also, it doesn't help that my wife always tells me that I need to step up and be a dad to our four children. I do as much as I can with them, but apparently its never enough! I am going to counseling to get help with my issues. My wife doesn't feel she needs counseling now because she went three years ago when I was in denial of my issues. She will go with me, but I don't want her to go for me but for herself. I'm tired of her constant criticism and have expressed that to her (to no avail). Where do I go from here????

4/28/2012 03:07:07 pm

First and foremost, I need you to understand, that I never offer advice if I can help it. I will tell you what I have done and what are viable options based on my personal experience. The decision rests solely on you, my friend.

There. With how weighty this subject is, I wanted to make sure you took that to heart before I dive in here. My wife stated to me that she would be willing to go to counseling with me so that we could work together to learn how to cope with the PTSD. I never questioned whether she was doing it for me or for herself. To me, it didn't matter. The question you need to ask yourself is whether it truly matters to you. I looked at it as a demonstration of commitment to me and our marriage that she was willing to go at all.

OK, that's the big question, but not the most important long term. My wife used to think that I was never doing enough as well and we have just one child. She only saw the times I got it wrong. It's not her fault. When we had those discussions, I had no way of tracking my progress. I was screwing up about 95% of the time. She was justified in her aggravation. What I have learned from this is that we both needed to set goalposts for my progress. We started off with small goals, like remembering to turn off our daughter's sleeping music when she woke up in the morning. With each success and misstep, my confidence grew and so did her patience. I think the fact that she saw me trying with all my might to be better about the things that challenge me illustrated to her my commitment to getting better and being a contributing member of the family. I won't lie to you, though. It was not an easy road. There have been a lot of bumps along the way.

I hope this addresses your concerns. If you have further questions or need clarification, please let me know!

Yours in Health,

Max Harris

Living with PTSD:
Every Day is a New Day