Am I Being Too Hard On Myself?

4/9/2012

I have made a lot of progress that past few weeks rediscovering me. It just doesn't seem like enough. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognize the person in the mirror. I look tired, haggard. I have huge circles under my eyes. I'm gaining weight again that I worked hard to shed. What the hell is going on? I know it's not in my nature to be satisfied with the progress I have made. I just don't know if the image of how I should look is accurate or realistic.

So, am I being too hard on myself? I don't know. It's hard to tell. I can't ask anyone who is emotionally invested in my success. I wouldn't trust that their answer isn't biased. I don't think it's fair to ask anyone else that question. I have to figure this out for myself. I know that this is something that a lot of us are guilty of - being our own worst critics. I could beat myself up all day for perceived failings and still not be satisfied that I was hard enough on myself. It's not a constructive trait but I am not sure how to change that way of thinking. I am not even sure that I would want to change that part of me. I feel that is part of who I am, not the PTSD. I just don't think it's the most helpful in coping with it. So where do I go from here?

I think I need to think on this for a while. The last thing I need to be doing right now is adding any additional pressure on myself to fix what's 'broken'. I need to make sure I am maintaining a healthy perspective. I guess time will tell. Let's see where this line of thought takes me over the coming days.

5 Comments

Brittany

4/9/2012 02:59:47 am

Max,

You and my husband parallel each other so frequently it is scary. I don't know you personally, but I guarantee you are being too hard on yourself.

Our 18-month old daughter was pointing at our wedding picture, taken 9 years ago, and I overheard my husband say, "That's Mama. She is so beautiful." And then she must've pointed to him because his reply was, "I don't know even know who that guy is anymore..."

There is still a lot of my husband left inside, he just lets the negative, self-hate come out and it takes a little while to get him out of that cycle. Sometimes it's a couple of hours, sometimes a couple of days.

You are good and kind and worthy of all the love and support you receive.

Max Harris link

4/9/2012 03:02:42 am

Thanks for saying so Brittany. Sometimes, I think we need to hear it from someone who isn't emotionally invested. Does that make sense?

Jill

4/9/2012 06:48:01 am

I totally agree with Brittany Max!! You are being so hard on yourself, I know because I do the same thing to myself. I think it is a trait that we already have, but the trauma that we have endured in life exacerbates it to the nth degree. Reprogramming your thoughts is extremely difficult, but recognizing that your thoughts may be incongruent with how people experience you or how reality truly is, is the first step to changing them. You start catching yourself thinking something negative about yourself and say, " heah, wait a minute is that really true or am I just perceiving it that way?" Then you can try to turn that negative thought into something more positive and productive. We wish to be perfect and we NEVER will be!! Nor does anyone that cares about us expect us to be. We are our own worst enemy.....and I'm looking forward to the day that I can put those nasty tapes away for good. Just a thought. You Rock!! :)

Steve link

4/10/2012 05:41:50 am

My posting on your site today is a reminder that healing is a long journey. Try to keep this in perspective while you make a difference for others.

4/10/2012 06:10:58 am

Thanks, Steve, I will try to remember that and maintain perspective. Thanks for posting today. It was greatly appreciated!

Living with PTSD:
Every Day is a New Day