I have made a lot of progress that past few weeks rediscovering me. It just doesn't seem like enough. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't recognize the person in the mirror. I look tired, haggard. I have huge circles under my eyes. I'm gaining weight again that I worked hard to shed. What the hell is going on? I know it's not in my nature to be satisfied with the progress I have made. I just don't know if the image of how I should look is accurate or realistic.
So, am I being too hard on myself? I don't know. It's hard to tell. I can't ask anyone who is emotionally invested in my success. I wouldn't trust that their answer isn't biased. I don't think it's fair to ask anyone else that question. I have to figure this out for myself. I know that this is something that a lot of us are guilty of - being our own worst critics. I could beat myself up all day for perceived failings and still not be satisfied that I was hard enough on myself. It's not a constructive trait but I am not sure how to change that way of thinking. I am not even sure that I would want to change that part of me. I feel that is part of who I am, not the PTSD. I just don't think it's the most helpful in coping with it. So where do I go from here?
I think I need to think on this for a while. The last thing I need to be doing right now is adding any additional pressure on myself to fix what's 'broken'. I need to make sure I am maintaining a healthy perspective. I guess time will tell. Let's see where this line of thought takes me over the coming days.
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.