A Reader Asks If She Should Have Left Her Boyfriend

I woke up this morning and found out a reader was concerned that she made the wrong decision in leaving her boyfriend.  She writes:

I just ended a relationship with my then boyfriend who has Combat PTSD. He has done three tours in Afghanistan. He told me in the beginning of our relationship however being naive I thought it was just flashbacks (which i never saw). Anyways fast forward...we have been on a roller coaster relationship with him....when he pulls away again! 

I have left him be this time, and doubt I there will be any reconciliation because I will not go through the heartache again unless I know he has been in therapy. 

Is this the right thing to do? I am beginning to think I am going crazy. 
OK, first things first.  It sounds like you had no idea what you were getting yourself into, which is very common.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  A lot of people think they know or have heard others talk about PTSD and think the stereotypes are true.  One of the major challenges Combat Veterans with PTSD face is a lack of education on the part of the general public.  I don't say this to assign blame.  It is what it is.As you all know, I try to stay away from offering advice or passing judgement on other people's actions.  What I can do is draw off of personal experience to flesh out a given situation with the hope that added insight will allow a person to make an educated decision.  So that being said, here goes:You want to know if you did the right thing or if you are going crazy?  One thing I can tell you for certain, you are not going crazy.  You are facing the dilemma that so many have faced before you:

• Is this my fault?  Am I causing him to pull away?
• Does saying I can't handle the heartache make me a bad/weak/selfish person?
• Can his PTSD get better without therapy or am I just second-guessing myself?

I am going to break these down and to my best to address each one separately.  It is never easy to leave someone you know is hurting.  So let's take a look at the situation a little closer.

Is It My Fault?  Am I Causing Him to Pull Away?

In short No, and No.  This is not your fault.  Not even remotely.  As for pulling away, it's a classic PTSD move.  Traditional PTSD symptoms also happen to cohabit the same space as depression.  Depression can cause people to withdraw emotionally from those who love them.  I am guilty of this.  I have done it on numerous occasions and it has been very difficult for my wife and I to manage.  I go into this in a whole lot more detail in a previous post, It's Not Her Fault.  I encourage you to read it.  It is written to a veteran who recognizes that his wife blames herself for everything.  It may be insightful for your ex to read as well.

Does Saying I Can't Handle the Heartache Make Me a Bad/Weak/Selfish Person? 

Being with someone with PTSD, combat-related or not, is very difficult and heart-wrenching.  Not everyone can do it.  It takes a massive amount of intestinal fortitude.  You are the only person who knows if you've reached your limit.  It doesn't make you a bad person for looking after your own emotional needs.  How can you care for someone else if you can't care for yourself?  It sounds to me like you have a healthy sense of self-worth.  Don't let that change.

Can His PTSD Get Better Without Therapy or Am I Just Second-Guessing Myself?

Possible?  Yes.  Probable?  Not even remotely, from my experience.  The human mind doesn't just flip a switch and everything is, all of a sudden, OK.  It sounds to me like you have established that his refusal to get help is a deal-breaker for you.  If this is the case, it sounds like a decision made rationally.  From my experience, emotional withdrawal is a constant threat.  Even for folks who have been in therapy and are fairly well equipped to cope with their PTSD.  For the untreated, it's near unmanageable.  I know it was for me until I got help and I still struggle with it every day.

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I hope this helps answer your questions.  If there are any points of clarification you need, please let me know.  I also encourage the community to chime in on this post and offer support.  As always, I wish you the best and hope you find the answers you are looking for!

Yours in Health,

Max Harris