I woke up this morning and found out a reader was concerned that she made the wrong decision in leaving her boyfriend. She writes: I just ended a relationship with my then boyfriend who has Combat PTSD. He has done three tours in Afghanistan. He told me in the beginning of our relationship however being naive I thought it was just flashbacks (which i never saw). Anyways fast forward...we have been on a roller coaster relationship with him....when he pulls away again! I have left him be this time, and doubt I there will be any reconciliation because I will not go through the heartache again unless I know he has been in therapy. Is this the right thing to do? I am beginning to think I am going crazy. OK, first things first. It sounds like you had no idea what you were getting yourself into, which is very common. It doesn't make you a bad person. A lot of people think they know or have heard others talk about PTSD and think the stereotypes are true. One of the major challenges Combat Veterans with PTSD face is a lack of education on the part of the general public. I don't say this to assign blame. It is what it is.As you all know, I try to stay away from offering advice or passing judgement on other people's actions. What I can do is draw off of personal experience to flesh out a given situation with the hope that added insight will allow a person to make an educated decision. So that being said, here goes:You want to know if you did the right thing or if you are going crazy? One thing I can tell you for certain, you are not going crazy. You are facing the dilemma that so many have faced before you:
Is It My Fault? Am I Causing Him to Pull Away? In short No, and No. This is not your fault. Not even remotely. As for pulling away, it's a classic PTSD move. Traditional PTSD symptoms also happen to cohabit the same space as depression. Depression can cause people to withdraw emotionally from those who love them. I am guilty of this. I have done it on numerous occasions and it has been very difficult for my wife and I to manage. I go into this in a whole lot more detail in a previous post, It's Not Her Fault. I encourage you to read it. It is written to a veteran who recognizes that his wife blames herself for everything. It may be insightful for your ex to read as well. Does Saying I Can't Handle the Heartache Make Me a Bad/Weak/Selfish Person? Being with someone with PTSD, combat-related or not, is very difficult and heart-wrenching. Not everyone can do it. It takes a massive amount of intestinal fortitude. You are the only person who knows if you've reached your limit. It doesn't make you a bad person for looking after your own emotional needs. How can you care for someone else if you can't care for yourself? It sounds to me like you have a healthy sense of self-worth. Don't let that change. Can His PTSD Get Better Without Therapy or Am I Just Second-Guessing Myself? Possible? Yes. Probable? Not even remotely, from my experience. The human mind doesn't just flip a switch and everything is, all of a sudden, OK. It sounds to me like you have established that his refusal to get help is a deal-breaker for you. If this is the case, it sounds like a decision made rationally. From my experience, emotional withdrawal is a constant threat. Even for folks who have been in therapy and are fairly well equipped to cope with their PTSD. For the untreated, it's near unmanageable. I know it was for me until I got help and I still struggle with it every day. I hope this helps answer your questions. If there are any points of clarification you need, please let me know. I also encourage the community to chime in on this post and offer support. As always, I wish you the best and hope you find the answers you are looking for!
Yours in Health, Max Harris
Ryan
5/24/2012 05:33:57 am
I had a major blow-out with a girl I was dating shortly after I returned from Iraq. It was during a time when I knew I had PTSD, but thought I didn't need to go to VA. So instead she took the brunt of my symptoms... She left me, and rightfully so. Guess what I did? I went back to VA and admitted that I needed help. Kudos for standing by your convictions. Better to leave now instead of after marriage and children. Many WWII marriages ended (like my parents) because after a period of time wives could not deal with the issues - however, there was no official PTDS category back then and minimal help, so confusion reigned about causation of a spouse's behavior.
Elisabeth
5/25/2012 03:11:19 pm
Thank you for this post. I thought that after 3 years of therapy -DBT, CBT, STAIR- I'd be able to function somewhat normally, but for some reason even getting close to people that I've been around for years makes my body feel like my life is in danger. I thought therapy would be the end to this, but it only helps me to calm myself down and then I'm afraid of doing anything else because I think I'll go through the fear and extreme anxiety again. I guess I said all that just to say, I'm glad I'm not the only one having to struggle with this on a daily basis, because felling completely alone and like no one understands can make me wonder what is the point of living. 5/25/2012 03:17:18 pm
Elisabeth, I am glad that you found it helpful. You are by no means alone. For me the anxiety gets better and worse depending on what I have going on in my life at the time. I am sure this is true for you as well. Just keep in mind, it is less not feeling safe around loved ones and more not feeling safe outside of an environment you are in complete control of, like your home...It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. Now you just need a peer-to-peer support network to help you through the rough spots and assuage the sense of loneliness. Thanks for taking the time to tell me. It means a lot knowing that my writings are helping people. Comments are closed.
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
October 2018
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