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I checked my website mail on the 18th and found a very heartfelt cry for help from a kind and generous young woman who was asking my advice. Here's what she said:
I have dated a veteran with PTSD for 3 months now and over the past month he has slowly closed himself off from the world and now from me. I have tried to reach out to him in numerous ways only to get an awful "silence" in return. He has told me that he cares for me very much and wants to see things work out between us, but his behavior says anything but that. At one point he was extremely depressed and would not answer my texts or calls when I was checking in to see if he was alright, I feared he might hurt himself because he has cut himself of from family, friends, and then me. Is this typical of PTSD, to shut out the people who love you the most????? He knew he was hurting me with his silence yet he let it continue. My struggle is this: do I just continue to pray for his healing from a distance and send him love with my thoughts in hopes that things will get better because I so want to be there for him, or do I let it go and try to move on........... Any insight into PTSD and intimate relationships, about what to expect, how to handle when your loved one goes "AWOL", and thought processes of vets when this is happening to them would be greatly appreciated. It is also extremely painful to sit back and watch someone you love dearly suffer and not be able to help!!!!!! Sorry this is so long....so much to say. Thank you for your service, your dedication to helping others through your journey, and for listening to people like me who want to help our loved ones pain stop! You are a true blessing. For obvious reasons, I would really love to hear back from women who have suffered through this uncertainty. I can't give insight into how to best cope with this, but I can do my best to give insight into how a veteran may be feeling in his shoes. Starting off with some PTSD and Depression 101: Emotional Detachment is the BIGGEST ENEMY in a new relationship with a veteran. I know, from my experience, the intensity of the emotions a had for my wife scared me. I wanted to close myself off, but I couldn't. I tried, and she saw right through it. The major difference was that I was not depressed at the time. When someone is experiencing strong emotions and is depressed at the same time, it's like overloading a circuit. The breaker trips and the connection is severed.Since I first met my wife, there have been times where my depression and PTSD caused me to become emotionally inaccessible. Those are the hardest times a loved one has to live through. Knowing how much it hurt my wife, it is also some of the deepest guilt I have ever felt.This is where it starts to get a little dicey: Emotional Detachment, caused by the PTSD and Depression can be serious cause for concern. Alienating friends and pushing loved ones away is standard, par for the course depressive behavior. Here's the tricky part. Before I started getting serious treatment, my mother had gotten some amazing things as gifts for me if I wanted them. I told her I didn't and proceeded to sort through all of the stuff that meant anything to me and prioritize who would get what. I was having serious suicidal thoughts. I am not saying this to scare you, just to make sure you are aware of the warning signs of suicidal behavior. IfTHIS sounds like your man, get him help!! Is this typical of PTSD, to shut out the people who love you the most????? He knew he was hurting me with his silence yet he let it continue. Let me describe for you how it felt when I was suffering from a PTSD episode and depressed at the same time. Just imagine the situation:I get home from a long day at work. I sit down and my daughter, barely over a year old, wants my attention. I give her a hug and hand her off to mama. I sit down without saying a word and start playing Xbox360. My wife sits down in front of me (her cue for rub my shoulders, oh love of mine) and asks how my day went. My response was a non-committal grunt and that was it. She got up after a few more minutes. I never said hi, I never said anything. I never touched her to reassure her. She knew full well what was going on. Looking back the only way I can describe what I felt was like being in a sound proof glass room, my PTSD between me and my family. I banged loud and hard on that glass, wanting to touch my wife, tell her how much I love her. My PTSD had taken over. It took over because I was afraid. I was afraid that if I didn't have my PTSD under tight control, I could hurt my family even worse. Don't let anyone with PTSD buy into this line of self-deluding bullshit.Yes, I said that harshly - it's something I have to remind myself of every day. If you are afraid of your PTSD, it takes over your life. The fear of what will happen in ANY situation overwhelms a person. What could have been a safe place or event or past time all of a sudden becomes dangerous - what if the PTSD gets out of control? Yeah, WHAT IF?? I had a conscious choice to make: Confront my fear of my PTSD ruining every aspect of my life or not. I chose to keep my family in one piece and to start learning how to rethink my relationship with my PTSD. It's still a work in progress but I am making strides in the right direction. For your sake and his, I hope he chooses to love over living in fear.Two real-world pieces of advice: Find a vet center near you. They can get you into support groups and help educate you on what to expect. Lastly, after educating yourself and hearing from the spouses and caregivers that will definitely give you perspective, you need to be fair to yourself and your veteran: Is my love for this person strong enough to support this relationship? You NEED to ask yourself this question. If you don't think you have the ability to love a person in this way, it doesn't make you a bad person. Being in a relationship like this takes a very strong committment from day one. You have to answer that question if nothing else.OK, that's my input based on my personal experience. There are many other people that I would love to ask to share their experiences here. I know many will. Also, you are more than welcome to join the Facebook Page community and find outreach and understanding there as well. You can remain anonymous and just listen to what folks have to say.I hope to hear from a lot of you on this subject matter. Let's band together and help out a young woman in love!
46 Comments
I think you did a great job answering these questions. It is a very tough decision to make, even after you are married and they come home with this beast called PTSD. I have written a couple of posts about how selfish PTSD is. It's not that they are selfish, it's just that they get so busy battling their PTSD they can't think of anything else at times. It is really hard not to take this personally, but we have to. They aren't choosing this. It's what they've been dealt and we have to love and support them the best way we can. Your advice to her to determine whether she is capable of this is great. I hope she is able to make a decision that is best for her and have peace about her decision. 3/20/2012 04:51:26 am
Thank you Gina. I talked to a few spouses I know about this subject in particular. I just need to say this: If a person deems they can't handle it, it's no reflection on the character of the person who can't. It takes a very special type of person and a level of commitment that may not be possible in a new relationship.
Jeanne
10/10/2019 07:37:03 pm
I married 7 yrs ago to a Vietnam Vet everyone said how self center he was but I fell hard.. he is 13 yrs older and insisted I do my wife duty more than I wanted because of back issues and he didnt care. I have recently found Asian dating on his computer with intent of traveling to China I am very sad that I am not strong enough but I feel part of his behavior is his lying character
June
10/10/2019 07:49:53 pm
Jeanne, I don’t have any words to console you. I did want you to know that someone out here hears you and is thinking about you and your situation. You are not alone! 3/20/2012 07:17:39 am
I dated a guy from when I was 14..now I am 48 .he moved home after retiring from the military with PTSD/TBI..We were so close and then all of a sudden he said he wanted to be alone..I did care from a distance and let him know I was here if he needed me.But when i tried to contact him he was mean and said harsh things to me...How can I make him understand that I love him unconditionally, I dont know..I miss him every day but dont know what to do...He told me a week or so ago..# 1 I dont hate you but # @ I dont love U either..so what do I do...?? 3/20/2012 07:23:31 am
Sandy, do you know his friends as well? Has he been withdrawing from everyone? If this is the case, you have every right to be worried. A lot of what I am hearing sounds like depression, but I am no therapist. I would ask around and see if he has been MIA with everyone. If so, follow the link in blog post for suicidal behavior and check to make sure you don't need to be seriously worried. Educate yourself if you don't already know the warning signs, reach out to others that love him. It's a place to start.
Kimberly Lancaster
3/20/2012 10:30:41 am
I am not an expert by any means. After reading this I thought about it a lot. I was asking myself what this persons triggers are. Without knowing this person and the situation I am thinking that could have happened. Religion, loud noises, smells, words, actions, etc. 3/20/2012 10:45:41 am
Thank you, Kimberly for bringing up triggers. I wasn't thinking in that direction. Now that you mention it, there is a lot that could have happened that could precipitate behavior like his. Triggers can set some of us off like you would not believe. Needless to say, without knowing the specifics, it's hard to narrow it down based on our experiences anyway. Either way, I hope a lot of this is getting our young anonymous reader thinking. 3/20/2012 05:10:00 pm
An excellent and very thoughtful post, Max, in which you express so eloquently the painful isolation that many combat veterans face. I too so wish that love could be enough to break through the pain that many combat vets face. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it does not. 3/21/2012 01:10:12 am
Rod, thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me and I will continue to share my experiences in the hope that some of the harder ones that I have had to learn don't have to be directly experienced by others. If I could save people some of the heartache and pain I have caused by not knowing how to cope, it's getting put out here.
D
9/8/2012 10:55:20 pm
I have dated a guy for 5 months and he wanted to move me in and marry me. Then within days of me moving it he ended the relationship. I don't understand. He asked for space and to be left alone. Yet calls when he feels like it? What do I do? Worried yet betrayed
Josie F.
3/21/2012 01:14:24 pm
I met and fell in love with a Vietnam combat vet four years ago. During this time we have had the most spectacular of times. It came as a huge surprise and disappointment (before I educated myself on PTSD) the first time he suddenly completely withdrew. Things had been perfect when he announced: "I'll call you when I get through this thing." "What thing?", said I to myself? He withdrew and was very silent for many months, which was confusing and hurtful to me; he never explained what happened. I thought he was a lost cause when he suddenly called again, and things got better than ever. I worked at being patient, being "safe" for him and it must have worked to some extent. But he has repeated this scenario three times in the past four years, and we're in one right now. Something triggered him about six months ago - a trip planned to a place he was very excited to go and see again; the last time he had been there was right before his deployment to Vietnam in 1969. When a hiccup in the trip happened, he withdrew from the trip and refused to change his mind and go -- even when the hiccup was resolved. Then followed months of resistance and distancing from me, and when I became bothered by this and asked him about it, he exploded and I have barely heard from him since. I think "this thing" is here again... can someone tell me what the "thing" is? I was just reading how many vets begin to withdraw, feel uncomfortable being close in relationships, fantasize about being a hermit and living in the mountains, being depressed and lonely sometimes, and he is all these things although my vet knows how to call friends to pull himself out. He wears a very believable "happy and confident" mask but I know underneath it is a very sensitive, vulnerable and fearful human being. He takes long walks when he is angry, and likes to take long drives to defuse and gain alone time. I don't think of him as depressed because he is so cheerful yet sometimes moody when I'm around him, but he could have suicide on his mind at times. He has told me he keeps a syringe filled with something that would kill him.... "if the time ever comes". He has been identified by the local VA as on the suicidal watch list, which he was horrified at learning when they called him in to talk about it, and vehemently denied that he was depressed or suicidal. But, quite frankly, I believe he is in denial about a lot of things. I don't know what to do; I have been seriously thinking of moving on because I have a life too, and needs. I would choose happy over having these upsetting things happen, yet I feel for him.... I want to help him.... I love him. It's a very tough call.
JJ
3/21/2012 03:12:43 pm
Thank you everyone for your comments and stories, they have been extremely helpful and touching! I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Many Blessings :) 3/21/2012 03:22:21 pm
Josie, you bring up an interesting side of PTSD: This thing could be a lot of things. I can tell you what 'this thing' was for me: Survivor's Guilt. Things in my environment would remind me of trauma that I experienced. I would be come hypersensitive to all input around me - light, sound, and especially touch. I would go home and hide in my cave. For me it was the guilt - So and so told me he used to love doing that. The toxic thoughts put a person in a very dark place. This is where the survivor's guilt really can deal a raw hand: You feel like suffering these extreme and toxic emotions are the penance you MUST PAY because you survived and the others didn't. If a person lives this way long enough without a support system, without a security net to fall back into, the hibernation can last a really long time. My longest was 17 days. No shaving - barely eating, bathing only when my mom forced me to. Swallowed whole by the guilt I felt of coming back at all.
Josie F.
3/27/2012 04:24:19 am
I've reread this a few times Max; you tell a lot here about the psyche of a returning soldier - perhaps you say it all. What about getting through this? Are you through it; have you addressed your guilt and if so, do you feel in a better place.. are you easier on yourself or for others to live with? Or, does the power of the guilt drag you back no matter how good your life, your support system? When you are in your cave, do you lose track of time? What turns this around for you, ie, does something happen to start to bring you out? Do you forgive those who may have unknowingly triggered you into the darker thoughts, or hold them hostage... make them pay some penance too, thereby alleviating some of yours? I hope these questions aren't too harsh to ask but would shed a lot of light onto the behavior of other vets, such as mine. Thank you.
Josie F.
3/21/2012 04:44:40 pm
To JJ... thank you... I'm so glad. To Max, wow. You have touched something I just don't know about but think it is similar to my vet's issues, most especially the penance about something and that he must pay for it. He does spend a lot of time in his cave... even calls it his cave. I felt honored when he allowed me to be present the last time while he was cavin' it.... made me think he did feel safe enough with me to let me see him there. I think he does spend time in very dark places, descends into them after a fairly long period of highs and feeling like life is good. Then it seems something always triggers him into falling back into the rabbit hole and it takes a long time for him to surface. During that time it is so hard because even though I know that is what has happened, life -- my life -- is still going on for me but without him in it although I believe he thinks it's better that way, rather than having arguments and other destructive events that could end our relationship. If only he would begin to face his demons and do something about them, stop denying them..... it would change his world... and mine.
JJ
3/23/2012 12:29:21 am
Josie and Max,
Josie F.
3/23/2012 04:42:17 pm
JJ...these are some of the wisest of words, most especially about releasing the need to control the situation, which is the same thing as "letting go" - very hard to do yet necessary. My love affair with a Vietnam vet has been the most profound learning experience for me.... in feeling compassion and empathy for his situation; in working on my own levels of patience, personal strength, flexibility and understanding; in finding out what really went on (and what goes on now) in combat. I think every American needs to read at least one book, like "Matterhorn", to know the truth, the reality of what it is like living and surviving a war as a soldier. Then, to come home only to find a lifetime of a war within, trying to survive in friendly territory. I know you have opened the door for your friend to a better place; only he can walk through it.. and I hope and pray he does as soon as he is able! Ditto for mine. Thank you so much for your insights! MAX, can you or someone tell us how to pave the way to helping vets feel safe, maintain trust in a relationship? I've been working on it for four years and thought I was there; maybe I was because I know I've come a long way but when there is sudden withdrawal and silence, it makes me feel like I didn't succeed; does he trust me and feel safe or not? What is that vets want and need to cement it in their brains that they can start to open, heal, live, breathe?
JJ
3/25/2012 12:25:30 pm
Josie, 3/27/2012 04:30:45 am
Josie,
Max Harris
9/12/2012 01:03:28 am
Without more specifics on his behavior it is impossible to even hazard a guess. Each person with PTSD is affected by the disorder in a very individual way. I can try to give you insight based on my own experience, but I don't give relationship advice or recommend a course of action. Are there any details you can add? Did anything happen during this time that could have triggered his PTSD?
D
9/12/2012 01:41:04 am
Hi, thanks for reply. Our relationship was seemingly perfect. He expressed his feelings often. I believe the stress of me moving in and him being exposed may have been a reason. Also he got news of his grandmother being very ill. Not much time before she passes. 9/12/2012 02:14:31 am
That does sound like a lot of change and upheaval all at once. Especially with his grandmother getting sick...
D
9/12/2012 08:23:01 am
Thank you, I wil read it. At this point he is withdrawing from me and asked to be left alone. He states he can't handle my emotions? I'm sorry but I just don't understand? Or are these excuses? 9/18/2012 02:07:37 am
D, sorry it took me so long to respond. It's been a long week. I honestly couldn't tell you if they are excuses or not. All I can say is use your best judgement. People teach you how they want to be treated. If there is a pattern of behavior that doesn't change and there is no effort of the part of the PTSD sufferer to get help, you will have your answer. I am not telling you go give up, I just need you to know that every person has a threshold of how much they can take. You know your limit. Listen to it.
D
9/18/2012 06:49:46 am
Thank you. My confusion is this: if it were a regular situation I would walk away. But because he said he can't have a relationship right now it's confusing. He calls but won't see me? I let him lead conversations but they are never about us. His last staent to me was he can't love me if he can't love himself. So how do I walk away from someone in pain. Have a broken heart but love him enough to care????
D
9/18/2012 06:54:16 am
He is so distant and talks about enlisting again! He says he's getting help but I don't know for sure. Either way why am I the one he is shutting out? Over night without warning! I honestly have never experienced such coldness. You tell a person it's not them but yet your able to hurt them without cause? I know it sounds selfish but if you love a person how do you run from them??? 9/18/2012 07:03:26 am
D,
D
9/18/2012 07:10:17 am
Well thank you. Guess I didn't want to accept that it is over. Him talking to me leaves a window open that he's not ready to climb through. Your right I'm looking for closure. I guess I will have to let go. But do I ignore his calls? If you care about someone do you walk away and not be there just because your not getting what you want? He breaks my heart to know he's not okay! 9/18/2012 07:21:42 am
I never said it would be easy. Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is loving them enough to know when to walk away. Quite honestly, him stringing you along isn't fair to you. Have you told him all that you have told me here? If not, that level of open and honest communication may be just what you need to get through to him and get an honest answer. People being blunt with me always catches my attention. My wife has done that on numerous occasions. Just something to think about.
D
9/18/2012 07:22:28 am
I want to thank you for sharing your experiences. It definelty helped me understand some things. I found this blog at the time of confusion and it has helped me get throw it. Thank you D... Take care 9/18/2012 07:24:01 am
D,
D
9/18/2012 07:40:02 am
Max, that's just it I'm a very direct person. I have told him how I feel and he tells me to move on. That we don't know the future. But right now he can't do it. Then he calls often? He tells me his day to day activities. But nothing else? I tried to be cold and tell him not to contact me until I get over my brokenheart. But I just couldn't stop worrying and let him talk.
June
9/18/2012 09:04:55 am
D,
D
9/18/2012 10:03:28 am
June, thank you. We were friends before we started dating so I will continue that course. It will be hard to swallow. He did say he pushes me away on purpose and he doesn't want to hurt me. So I guess I will sit back for now. Thanks D 9/18/2012 10:49:47 am
June,
D
9/18/2012 04:59:49 pm
Max and June,
Rebecca Brown
4/19/2013 02:02:41 pm
I am going thru the same thing with my boyfriend. He suddenly without warning tells me he can't take care of himself let alone be in a relationship. He moved in with me after the STARR program in December 2012, and things were pretty good. but this past weekend he met up with a buddy and he and I got into a nasty argument a few hours before. He spends 2 days with this guy and a few other veterans that voluteer with the wounded warrior project and in 2 days he has to cut me off, and can't take care of himself, and he loves me, but he says i don't deserve this stress.!! I am 9 weeks pregnant and just last week we were making plans to move to NC! I don't understand! what is it that this acquaintance is doing or saying that i never did? I have been frozen with depression and i can't even get out of bed!! when he was in the hospital for 5 months straight, it was me who took the time every night to go see him, not his family NOR friends… what is it? is there a certain thing amongst combat vets that suddenly made him change? or cut me off suddenly? he won't speak to me, call me.. NOTHING. its like i never existed and i am dying inside.. Please help me know what to do? I am having his baby, he lived with me, hasn't gotten his belongings… and we always loved each other… help?
D
4/19/2013 02:37:51 pm
Hi. Rebecca I am not an expert on Ptsd. 4/19/2013 02:46:48 pm
Rebecca, I can't tell you for certain what you should do. It sounds to me like he thinks the best thing he can do for you is let you go and not have to endure his problems. It's a common problem, but the decision is not something you can force on him. When a vet with PTSD gets like this, it's also not a good idea to present a logical solution to an emotional problem. The best advice I can give is be patient and, if possible, try to get him to sit down with you face to face and explain himself. I won't blow sunshine, though. When things head in this direction, I haven't seen it end well very often. I don't say this to discourage you. I say this to make sure you see the reality of the situation. Having a baby is a big life change and he may need to work through that. I wish you the best of luck!
Jasmine
6/23/2014 06:16:41 pm
My situation is similiar but we are in a long distance(what i thought was a relationship) He was elated to have met and be in love and I also then one day he just disappeared for two weeks. Wouldn't answer any forms of communication and then one day he pops up with I was depressed and I didn't want you to deal with it, he said he sought help but the weird thing was he told me some of the things he did while he wasn't talking to me he functioned with his life for that missing period of time. I forgave him and we moved on then just the other day he announces to me that he enjoyed the time we had but he didn't want a relationship and the sleeping pills or that he had other issues that was preventing him from giving his all in this relationship and he couldn't give me what i wanted if he wasn't all there. I have been so upset thinking that he is playing me for a fool. Thinking back he just had a friend come back from Afgan. and he was drinking and probably triggered this episode? Thank you so much for letting me know that I'm not alone and we are friends first. But how do i get him to know this if he doesn't want to talk to me?
jasmine
6/23/2014 06:28:53 pm
I also wanted to say that, he told me he was embarrassed to to contact me after the episode and I just reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere with out his friendship. He was suprised that I was understanding with his depression. I realize that is the only thing I can do is be there for him and pray for his peace of mind that it can be restored without judgement when he comes back. Thank you for listening.
A
7/13/2014 09:18:24 am
I am currently dating an Army veteran with PTSD and TBI. We met back in February. At first he did not want to fully commit to a relationship, because he was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time and he needed to get help for first. He ended up in a VA hospital for a few months and during that time we decided to be friends and see where it goes after he finished his treatment. I would call and visit him whenever I could. I started to notice this pattern of detachment during this time. He was having a hard time and refused to return calls and come to the phone when I or his parents would call him. However, when I went to visit him he seemed fine, just a little stressed out and tired. He started talking to me on the phone again after this visit. 7/14/2014 12:48:22 pm
A,
A
7/14/2014 02:00:56 pm
Max, I met the love of my life in March 2013. He is a Purple Heart Vet./ Combat engineer in the USMC.. blown up 7 times while serving in Afghanistan. We previously had known each other from our families but nothing ever went past that. After March we starting talking and getting to know each other better. There was a time though where I didn't hear from him for about a month. I blew it off, didn't think anything of it. We finally started dating and things moved very fast. Keep in mind that he was once married and divorced at a young age. He is now 24. Through our first stages of dating things were great. I eventually moved in with him then things started to go downhill. He was very moody, he tried to contact his ex wife numerous times. He would tell her he wasn't seeing anyone but telling everyone outside of her that we were together. I found out and I left for about a week and then we attempted things again. I noticed that he started drinking alot more, every night he was drinking excessively. Things started to go down hill and we split up but continued to live together as roommates. I left for a trip for about 10 days and he picked me up from the airport. When he picked me up he was very loving. Following that he wanted to be with me at all times, always finding a reason to be with me. Then we started dating again and he expressed to me that he fell in love with me and it just took time for him to find himself. A year later we are back in the same downfall. He woke up yesterday and told me that he felt we were moving apart from each other (I didnt understand) and finally he said, I love you but I dont know if I am in love with you anymore. I noticed that he had been distant from me. But we were planning a family.. unfortunately we were unable to get pregnant. I think he still is in love with me but I think he is falling into a dark spot and he doesn't know what to do. I want to help him but he is moving out of our house.. Im not sure what to do. Leave a Reply. |
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Max HarrisAs I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog. Archives
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Note: This website offers links to resources and venues for veterans to discuss PTSD. Any opinions expressed herein are solely the opinions of the website administration and are not a substitute or supplement for professional treatment.